Build Better Relationships: Set Consequences Not Intentions
Posted on December 12, 2019 by Lucy Adams BSEd MS PCC, One of Thousands of ADD ADHD Coaches on Noomii.
Setting intentions is a buzz phrase in the self-help arena. I challenge you to take an alternate approach by setting consequences.
A popular buzz phrase in the self-help sector is “set the intention.” The philosophy goes that before any activity, pursuit, or interpersonal engagement, we should take a moment to set our intention so that we might achieve our best results and our best selves. For example, a person might set the intention of maintaining eye contact in order to connect with someone he or she is meeting for the first time. This intention might be especially important to a person who has difficulty with first impressions and one-on-one conversation.
On the surface, “setting the intention” is akin to setting a goal. Unfortunately, when things don’t turn out as we wanted them, we tend to fall back on our “intention.” When the person who set the intention to maintain eye contact is alerted that the intensity of the eye contact came across as disconcerting and intimidating, the person will say, “I didn’t mean for that to happen.” This statement doesn’t correct or minimize the consequence, and it sounds like an un-empathic excuse lacking acknowledgement of accountability.
Consequences trump intent every time. Let me repeat: Consequences trump intent.
The consequences of our actions, whether intended or not, impact relationships, both personal and professional. Nonetheless, many relationship coaches and marriage counselors will ask a partner in a conflict, “Do you think it was his (or her) intent to make you feel that way?” or “Do you think it was her (or his) intent to cause that outcome?” as if the lack of intent or the intent for a different outcome excuses the offending partner of culpability.
This line of questioning creates a situation in which one partner does not have to take responsibility for the hurt caused to the other partner. In fact, it places blame on the hurt partner. The hurt partner must now either accept the offense as okay or defend him or herself. Neither event will turn out well for the hurt partner or for the relationship.
Consider this scenario: I’m at a backyard party enjoying a can of soda. I finish the drink and crush the can, while surveying the landscape for a recycling bin. I see it about 10 feet away, and I toss the can toward it, hitting a fellow party-goer in the head. A gash opens on her head, and I rush over to tell her, and everyone else aghast at the can that came of nowhere, that I meant to throw the can in the recycling bin.
To the bleeding woman:
- Does it sound like I’m concerned for her wellbeing?
- Does it sound like an apology?
- Does it sound like I am accepting responsibility for my action?
- Does it matter what my intention was?
If someone attempts to de-escalate the situation by saying to the bleeding woman, “Do you think Lucy intended to hit you with the can?,” the bleeding woman is put in the position of either accepting the consequence of my action as okay or defending her own reaction. I, on the other hand, am excused by my intention to throw the can in the bin not at the lady.
Sometimes we are the bleeding woman, beset by another’s ill-fated intention. Sometimes we’re throwing cans without consideration of consequences and with loud shouts of, “I didn’t mean for that to happen.” No matter which role is ours in a particular situation, our relationship with the person in the alternate role will suffer.
My challenge to you is to step out of the cycle of those roles, to be the person who makes the effort to walk the can to the recycling bin.
My challenge to you is to Set the Consequence and work back from there. Like setting the intention, Setting the Consequence is about identifying a goal or desired outcome. BUT, when we Set the Consequence, we consider all of our alternative actions and intentionally choose the best action for achieving our specific goal.
Setting the Consequence is harder than setting the intention. It takes more forethought. It takes analysis of alternative action plans. It takes planfully making a choice rather than impulsively pursuing an intention no matter where that takes us.
When we set the consequence and the results go awry, we’re more likely to acknowledge the error in our selected action and accept responsibility. Acknowledging the error in our action will sound less like an excuse and more like an apology to the offended party. It eliminates interrogation of the offended party as to whether he or she believes the other person intended to do harm. This opens the door for reconciliation and a stronger bond.
When we set the consequence, choose the best possible action path, and achieve the desired outcome, others view us as trustworthy, reliable, thoughtful, and considerate. It demonstrates respect. What a great foundation upon which to build a friendship, a team, a partnership, or a romance.
It is not the intent that precedes a behavior that matters; it is the consequence that follows the behavior that makes all the difference. Set your consequences to build better relationships at work, at home, and in the world.
