The importance of Community
Posted on November 24, 2018 by David Murent, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
How can community lift up up, and how can it keep you down?
Authoring Parts: The Preacher, The Analyzer
Community is a basic human need, but it goes far beyond being connected to family and friends – these are my part’s thoughts about this topic:
You can experience a sense of community with almost any other group of human beings, but we tend to seek out the “familiar”, or what is closest to who we think we are, they way we look or think. This is of course a habitual pattern that goes back into ancient history, where tribal societies guaranteed your survival, and other tribes were potentially dangerous.
These basic survival needs can still be fulfilled in tribal structures like this today, but I propose that there is a huge potential for personal (and societal) growth if we transcend these old habits, and I also want to point out what the costs are, if you stay within our"inherited" structure:
How a community can lift you up:
If you find high quality people that mirror your best self, they will call you out if you don’t live up to your own standards. They will ask you “tough question”, being honest about their concerns and reminding you of the values we share. If you struggle, they will be able to help you get back up, because they can admit their own mistakes without shame and therefore are capable of empathy. It might feel uncomfortable when the ask you “what the fuck you are doing”, but they are capable of loving you, because they love themselves and respect their own values, trusting that they can handle life’s slings and arrows, leaning into discomfort because they know they can use their emotions to guide them, rather than avoiding them. A group like this encourages diversity, because challenging your beliefs and perspectives is a fertile ground for learning and growth, acknowledging the overwhelming things we have in common and utilizing the unique gifts everybody who is different can bring to the table.
How a community can keep you down:
If you don’t live up to your own standards, the “wrong crowd” will either not even know about it because you don’t share who you really are or they don’t care, but it is also possible they will even secretly celebrate and encourage you, communicating that “its okay to fail”, relieved that you are as stuck as them.
It will feel like love, but it is not. They can only love you as much as they love themselves, and that’s not a lot. You will also not ever be able to truly love yourself, if you hang out with people you don’t trust or admire, hiding yourself just so that you are not alone. A community like this will encourage you to share their addiction and will keep you small, just so that everybody feels a little better. It is often also an IN-group, because being able to look down on others also helps to prep up the common low self-esteem. It feels safe to be among people with similar beliefs, you will not get triggered as much and can remain feeling comfortable.
How to liberate your Self:
If you started out your life with low self-esteem, just like me, than maybe you are interested in how I was able to finally shed my old beliefs to move towards finding and/or building the community I want to have, rather sticking to what just “happened to me”.
For me, the key to changing my beliefs was to look deep inside of me. I discovered that there is a community of people living inside of me, the so called “sub-personalities”. I don’t know exactly why they exist, but as I got to know them more and more it became clear that what they were thinking about me and the world shaped my life tremendously, and how they were interacting with me and each other was reflected in the communities I was seeking out.
The most critical part (pun intended) in my development was to develop a healthy relationship with my “Inner Critics”. How they were treating me and my other parts created a lot of fear and aversion that of course also showed up in my interactions with other humans. As I was able to transform my critical parts (there are several) into motivational coaches, supporting fathers and helpful trainers, the inner children that they were protecting also became more open and trusting to the world around me. They are not afraid any more of "saying the “wrong thing”, risking being ostracized or unloved.
And the more self-trust and self-love this process unlocked, the more I became curious and open, inviting people into my life that were matching my values, expressing who I really am with all my faults and features.
Losing connection to familiar environments and people I believed were friends was uncomfortable and sad, but necessary in order to live the life I want. Many of my younger parts wanted to hold on to the scraps of love they thought they had, not trusting that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. But the guidance from true Self (as soon as it was liberated) could help my parts to find hope – but only through mourning, self-acceptance and self-love first.
