The "Dirty Windows" of our outlook on life
Posted on October 17, 2018 by Steve and Kathy Beirne, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
How you see the events in your marriage colors the way you react to your spouse. Learn how to distinguish your point of view from the facts.
You may have seen a little story going around on Facebook about a woman who was very critical of her neighbor’s laundry. She would see it out on the line, and every day she’d tell her husband, “That woman certainly does not know how to do laundry. The clothes are still dirty!” Then one day she looked out the window and saw that the clothes were clean! “She finally learned how to do the wash!” she exclaimed to her husband. “No,” he responded, “I got up early this morning and washed the window.”
We all look at the world through our own window, where the “dirt” is our presumptions about other people’s behavior. And there is no place where that view can cause more difficulty than when we are interacting with our spouse.
“He didn’t notice how I paid all the bills. He just takes me for granted.” “She left the garbage for me to take out, and she knows it was her turn to do it.” Those judgments made about one another can turn into scripts that you create, leading you to believe things about each other that may or may not be true, and can end up hardening your hearts, not a good thing in any relationship but especially in a marriage.
Is the way you see it the only way?
The wife who thought her husband didn’t appreciate her bill paying could point it out to him. The husband who put out the garbage might ask his wife if she had remembered that it was her turn. Assuming the best rather than the worst can be so helpful to a relationship. That comes more easily when you are already feeling loved and full of warm thoughts for your spouse. But even when things are a little tense, assuming unkind motives will only make them worse.
Remember the old expression, Mind your P’s and Q’s? Well, that expression is a way of helping you monitor these situations. Mind your PEAs – your perceptions, your expectations and your assumptions – and your Q’s, the questions you ask that can clarify the PEAs!
Check out your perceptions. Ask you partner is they meant to do what they did, or how they perceived what you did. While facts are facts, perceptions can vary widely from person to person. One person can see an insult where another sees a humorous remark. Many a conflict arises from two people having different perceptions of the same event.
Manage your expectations. Expectations are the way you believe things will go, or should go. When your expectations are not met it creates frustration, so it is important to check internally to see if your expectations are reasonable. Do you think your spouse should have been aware of your expection? If it occurs to you, ask if you have the same expectation of a task or event. “I’m hoping we’ll leave your parents’ house around 5. Is that okay with you?” Setting common expectations in advance helps to avoid frustration after the fact.
Identify your assumptions. Assumptions are things you believe to be true. When you make assumptions about your spouse’s intentions, reasons for doing something, or their understanding of the situation you run the risk of creating a misunderstanding between you. So be aware of them yourself, let your partner know what you assume, and ask if you are on the right path.
One of the problems with having a different perspective on something is that it often comes up right in the middle of something else – at your in-laws, or running late for a meeting. Just know it happens to everyone. As long as both of you are willing to work on those peas and q’s, and try for the patience all marriages take, you should be able to see the world through (mostly) clean windows most of the time.
