What not to say When You're Having an Argument

Posted on October 06, 2018 by Steve and Kathy Beirne, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

One of the most difficult parts for many people when it come to conflict is not saying things you’ll be sorry for later. When your negative emotions are in the forefront, it is so easy to want to attack.

When you enter into a relationship, you establish an atmosphere of trust. And so you often know the most vulnerable parts of your spouse’s emotional life. A strategy that works for many people is to let your partner know what’s off limits at a time when you are not angry. “Don’t criticize my family,” one person might say, and the other might respond, Okay, and don’t call me or my ideas stupid.”

One very effective strategy is called the soft start. Instead of leading with your complaint, find something you can say that it an appreciation or a compliment. “I like that you care about our place looking nice, but you spent more than we budgeted for the new curtains.”

A second strategy comes from Michelle Weiner Davis, known as the Divorce Buster. She says that if you have told your partner something once, they have heard you. Repeating the same complaint over and over is not likely to reap good results.

Are you an attacker? An avoider? A placater? A mumbler? And then try to identify what your spouse’s style is and the style they have trouble with. If you can play to their preferences then you are most likely to get to respectful honesty in the solving of conflicts.

So…

Who knew that learning what not to say would help to soften fights and avoid ugly conflicts? But I’m sure you can see the wisdom of holding your tongue so that later you don’t have to eat your words.