Tips for Coaching Members of the Military

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Raz ("Roz") Mason, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Folks from the military may not seek out coaches as easily as, say, business leaders, but when they do, they know how to get the job done. Here are reflections based on my knowing and working with service members/veterans in a variety of settings.

For many folks, military service is a defining time in their lives. For a few, the overriding feelings are pain and disappointment. But for the majority I’ve met, the main feeling is positive, with strong feelings of bonding and belonging. As usual with anything emotionally powerful, we can expect people to have ambivalent (mixed) feelings about military service.

As a coach, my job is often to help people navigate the complexity that is part of the human condition. Military culture makes that job even more important, as the emphasis on discipline and structure can inhibit people from thinking about how something can be both good and emotionally/morally challenging at the same time.

Here are some topics you may choose to explore:

1. What are your bonds to the military? Combine discipline that de-emphasizes the importance of the individual and potentially life-and-death stakes – and you often get a sense of loyalty and kinship unmatched in civilian life. How do military bonds affect your social circle; your leisure-time activities; your choice of career and sense of personal contribution; your sense of meaning in a civilian job? These questions are especially important for someone who is considering or has recently transitioned out of the military. But the questions may be startlingly relevant for veterans – even decades after military separation.

2. What is your relationship with/to the military authority structure? The system is designed so members of the military will be extremely sensitive and responsive to external validation – how others (especially superiors) see you – while, at the same time, showing strong personal initiative and leadership over others. How do you handle this mix of expectations for both internal and external authority?

- Long experience with this external structure can make thinking outside the box and identifying internal/heart-based guidance challenging… but, as a result, learning it can be extra rewarding because it may be outside your usual strength set.

- Military structure is unmatched in helping people get things done. Veterans and service members often despair at how slow and unorganized civilian decision-making and implementation are. Don’t underestimate the valuable life lessons you may have learned in the military about both loyalty and personal/organizational effectiveness.

3. Explore family and military gender norms. For both men and women, appearing strong is a big deal. The strength of these norms, pardon the pun, can lead to emotional and role-based rigidity that doesn’t always serve you well, especially once you’re outside operational/combat situations.

4. Explore your assumptions about “vulnerability.” What are its definitions? How does expression of emotion fit in here? How about empathy and emotional connection? How satisfied are you with your personal relationships?

5. Mixed loyalties: How did/do you handle often competing obligations to superiors, people under your charge, and civilians and enemy combatants – under both rule of law and your own moral code? Make no mistake – the ethical challenges confronting even the youngest enlisted man or woman often dwarf those faced by professionals in the business or service sectors. Military people are often surprisingly (to civilians) matter-of-fact about these dilemmas. But that doesn’t lessen the need to talk through how service-related situations impact your sense of living out your own values. [I look at this in my program, Resilience Wheel Training, using the “spokes” of Supportive Relationships, Meaningful Service Work, Mindfulness Practices, Ethical Courage, and Creative Pursuits.]

6. For each of us, what seems normal from our perspective can occasionally leave out important considerations. Have you ever gotten feedback from others, who are a bit annoyed, that you “always” do such-and-such? There is a way to reframe your working beliefs to offer choices and create lower stress. I use the Enneagram personality system to help you understand your behavioral style – to enhance awareness of tendencies in your tactical and/or strategic judgment. I recommend the Jerlik Personality Profile (taken online) for identifying your Enneagram type.