When inner demons speak, listen

Posted on March 05, 2025 by Misha Yurchenko, One of Thousands of Spirituality Coaches on Noomii.

The other day I was standing in line to pay for groceries when I realized that I’d forgotten my wallet. Normally there would be a reaction, an inner voice that would say something like “stupid! how could you forget your wallet!”

Expecting to hear this berating inner critic, I braced myself. I was surprised when instead there was nothing. Silence. My mind felt empty…and then another voice emerged. “It’s okay. Sometimes you forget.” The voice was gentle and kind. It acknowledged the facts. I got on my bike and enjoyed a pleasant ride back to get my wallet. And that was that.

We all have an inner critic, also known as the superego, which are internalized voices we receive from caregivers, teachers and friends from an early age. The voice is necessary and useful for our survival and navigation in the world when we’re young.

However, when we’re adults, we develop our own capacities to make nuanced decisions and understand dangers that might be present. We don’t need these voices to tell us. They outlive their utility and can become sources of anxiety and dread.

Through training in self-compassion, metta meditation, and a healthy dose of IFS, I’ve been able to befriend many of these inner demons. What I realized is that these demons are not demons at all. They are actually like small children that only shape-shift into demons when we resist them.

However, when we “have a cup of tea” and befriend them, we see their true light. They all have positive intentions and are trying to protect us in some way. Seeing and hearing them without any resistance allows them to melt and relax. They no longer become antagonistic. They either disappear completely or take on new roles to support us.

There are many ways to think about these parts of ourselves. I like the analogy of a golden buddha statue that is covered in clay. Clay represents the voices or defense mechanisms that try and protect us, but also that hide our true beauty. Each layer of clay is like armor, and the way to remove the clay is to wash it with acceptance, understanding and love. Once we do, the radiant glow of our true nature is revealed.

Another is using the language of “Parts.” I’ve been working more with IFS and an IFS-inspired coaching approach called Aletheia Coaching. These approaches teach that we have many Parts of ourselves, often 30-50, that are formed mostly throughout our childhood. These are solidified, reified, emotions and patterns that stay frozen.

These parts are labeled as Protector Parts and Hurt Parts, to simplify it. For example, let’s say when you got a bad grade in school your parents would scold you, which you took as a rejection of their love. This event was a Hurt feeling you internalized, frozen in time as a painful memory in your mind and body. As a result, you created behaviors to make sure you never felt this Hurt again – like working hard at school to the point of perfectionism.

This part of you that is working hard is called a Protector, making sure that you never feel that same pain of rejection from your parents. This was useful at one point, and all parts have positive intentions. But later on in life, whenever you get rejected in some way – a job application, a partner – you feel the sting of that pain. Your Protector is triggered, working harder to please others and be the best.

However, deep down, you still feel fragile and incomplete. These build up over time, feeling like you’re not really in control of your life, but being led by different parts of you that have different agendas.

These parts of you – that sometimes feel like demons – all have good intentions, even if their behaviors and those outcomes are really detrimental or harmful in your life. Sometimes you feel like you are being pulled and torn in different directions.

There is only one way to find freedom: you have to befriend these parts of yourself. This means you have to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling without trying to change it. Once you do, the demons will become your friends, and strong emotions will start to pass through you.

“What is split off, not felt, remains the same. When it is felt, it changes. Most people don’t know this! They think that by not permitting the feeling of their negative ways they make themselves good. On the contrary, that keeps these negatives static, the same from year to year. A few moments of feeling it in your body allows it to change. If there is in you something bad or sick or unsound, let it inwardly be and breathe. That’s the only way it can evolve and change into the form it needs.” – Eugene Gendlin

This is the opposite of what we normally do. We usually do not turn towards our demons, but we try to change an emotion because we don’t like it. We try to push them away using suppression, distraction and complaining as our main tools. But this doesn’t really work. This only creates resistance and more demons.

Eventually, we realize these old methods no longer work. We allow ourselves to be curious. To listen. To surrender. Once we finally allow things to be as they are, they soften and melt…and a vast ocean of inner freedom is revealed. It’s a process, like any deep inner work. But over time, the mind becomes a much, much nicer place to live in. And you can forget your wallet (or keys) in peace.