Coaching Secrets for Leaders Who Want to Coach

Posted on February 21, 2025 by Joel Dietz, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.

The word “coaching” gets thrown around a lot in business with the best of intentions but often used interchangeably with “feedback” or “on-the-job training" due to the overlap. The sage expert, bestowing the wisdom of experience onto someone more junior. “Coaching” also has some darker connotations. In some industries, (call center outsourcing and retail come to mind,) “coaching” is a euphemism for the documented step taken to address a performance issue, crafted with HR’s guidance, as a CYA before disciplinary action begins. That frames up coaching as the launchpad for something punitive. A sort of light finger-wagging that’s warm and cosy. Next: warnings and suspensions and bears (oh my!)

While there are different types of “coaching” in the workplace, technically most of these are not actually coaching. Feedback is information provided from one to another. Training is the process of helping someone learn knowledge or skills through formal means (class, learning) or informal means (social learning, me showing you, etc.) Discipline, well that’s an entire blog post I don’t care to write.

So if actual coaching isn’t any of those things, then what is it?

The International Coaches Federation (ICF) defines coaching in the preamble to our core competencies as: “Partnering (with another person) in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. The process of coaching often unlocks previously untapped sources of imagination, productivity, and leadership.”

That certainly sounds romantic, but IRL…how do you actually partner with someone in a thought-provoking and creative process? Debate the artistic merits of abstract expressionist painting? Attend a hot yoga reiki micro dosing mindfulness meditation breath-work encaustic art energy retreat? Nope.

At face value, the essence of coaching comes down to asking thought-provoking, open-ended questions.

Coaching is asking, not telling. If you want to build your coaching skills, practice having conversations during which you only ask open ended questions. It’s challenging at first, but gets easier.

Some examples of effective coaching questions:

•What are other ways to approach this problem?
•How do you think your customer might feel?
•When would scheduling make the most impact?
•What do you think your coworkers need most from you now?
•What are the upsides of ___ and the downsides of ___?

Asking open-ended questions seems easy enough, right?

If you asked me for coaching because you “want to apply the art and science of coaching to the way you lead your team,” I might ask you:

•What benefit does asking have over telling?
•What do you think might happen if you remain silent for 30 seconds after asking a great question, even if the the other person responds, “I don’t know.”
•What are the downsides of explaining how to solve a problem?
•What habits might you have that could be obstacles to others’ willingness to share ideas with you freely?
•What do you need most from yourself right now? What does your team need most from you right now?
•What will you need to bring as a leader to achieve the result you want?

Open-ended questions are expansive. That’s where the learning takes place. Closed-ended with short answers (yes, no, next week) have their place too, but mainly for the coach to confirm their own understanding. “You want to take on more. Did I get that right?”…“Did I hear correctly that your goal is to achieve this by month end?”

Avoid leading closed-ended questions. These are preloaded with your opinion and bias. “Do you think that’s the best idea?”…“Shouldn’t you try another way?” More on this later in tip number 6.

Silence and Reflection

What separates a wannabe coach from a master-level coach? Knowing when to be silent, and for how long. Reflecting back what you see and hear during coaching is also powerful. It’s about sharing an observation when it makes sense to, using all your senses and intuition, then checking in to validate if you’re on the right track. In a coaching context, “reflection” means helping the other person understand what you see and hear, as if you’re holding up a mirror.

•"From your tone of voice it sounds like you’re really frustrated by this. What’s going on for you?"
•"I just noticed that whenever you talk about this issue, your shoulders are hunched and tight, and you frown. How are these 2 things related?"
•"Just an observation here. Your words say you’re excited by this opportunity, but your tone sounds like you’re dreading it. Am I on to something here?"

Great coaches listen deeply to what’s being said, and also what’s not being said.

Great managers coach by developing communication skills as a superpower, especially focused listening. When demonstrated consistently, these skills are a catalyst for others to transform themselves and the world around them. Finely tuned intuition, deep listening, and the ability to “hear” what’s not being said are all markers of great coaching. These abilities are developed over years, not hours, days or months. But here’s the best part. You don’t have to be a master coach to try simple yet powerful tactics to bring a coaching approach to your leadership.

Here are 8 coaching skills for managers who want to experiment with actual coaching.

1. Ask “what” and “how” questions to prompt your team member’s learning and growth (rather than telling them what to do to fix a problem.)

If you’re new to this approach, write out some questions in advance to prepare for informal performance discussions. You can use open-ended questions for positive affirmation, or to prompt learning from mistakes.

• “How might you use this experience to get similar results with future assignments?”
• “What challenges cost you the result you wanted?”
•"What would you do differently if you could do it over?"

Even with someone who isn’t aware that their performance fell short, you can provide that feedback briefly, then switch into coach-mode with “what” and “how” questions.

2. As tempting as it is, avoid asking “why” questions.

Why" questions can put the other person on the defensive. While building your coaching skills, stick with “what” and “how” questions.

If your boss calls you up and starts to ask, “Why did you blah blah blah…?” everything that comes after “why” can sound like a challenge or the beginning of an accusation, even if it’s not. Substitute what questions. For example, “What was your objective in the email you sent to Nancy?” This is more disarming than, “Why did you send that email to Nancy?”

3. Listen way more than you speak.

When coaching someone, aim to speak for less than 25% of the conversation. The more you talk, the less they will. The miracle of coaching is the other person creatively solves the problem, remembers their own solution for next time, and recognizes you have confidence in them. No doubt, you have some great advice and wisdom to share. That’s plain old feedback, which may be great, but save it for another time. The moment you start doling out (your version of) wisdom, the other person stops doing the work. And gasp, it’s entirely possible their insights are more helpful than yours.

4. Ask one good question at a time.

Avoid asking multiple questions back-to-back. Slow down, gather your thoughts, ask one good question, then listen.

•“How do you think that went?…Like, if you could try again, what would change and what could you have done better?…And how can I support you?"

Count ‘em. That’s 4 questions! These are “stacked” questions and should be avoided. Slow down. Get your thoughts together. Then ask 1 good question. The first one is typically the best one anyway. No need to rephrase it unless you’ve waited a good 15 seconds and haven’t heard back. That takes us to…

5. Leverage silence like a pro.

When you’re coaching, their words matter most. Both of you will learn a lot more if you resist the urge to chime in. The more evocative your questions, the more time it takes for them to think it through and respond. The second you break the silence, you diminish the effectiveness of coaching. It’s not coaching if you are providing the insights. Again, that’s just feedback. If you want to learn how to coach, save the feedback for another time. If you can’t stand the silence and you’re answering your own questions, well you’re like my late grandpa Jack, who (if he has it his way) is still disturbing the peace.

6. Stay neutral, keep opinions to yourself, and don’t add to, praise or correct their responses.

Coaching is not giving advice. Coaching is not sharing your opinions. Coaching is not about providing the answers. Once you forfeit neutrality. you snuff out their creativity. As the manager, many a team member may try to align with you based on your response. There are exceptions of course, but once your coachee recognizes you’re looking for a specific “right” answer, they tend to adjust to tell you what they think you want to hear. Congratulations! You just substituted your imagination and problem-solving for theirs.

“Wait a minute! I have plenty to offer on this subject!” That’s not the point of coaching. Even if you think you have a better solution, shush up unless there is some kind of real risk or safety concern by remaining silent. You may be aching to say, “That’s a terrible idea!” Guess what? You don’t have to. Use what/how questions instead. “What could be the potential upsides of that approach? What are the potential downsides?” When you ask effective what and how questions, they will almost always sort it out. Plus you might benefit from ideas better than your own.

7. Respond to questions with…more questions.

Now sit back…relax…and consider this brief coaching demo.

Team Member™: “How should I go about starting this project?”

Manager (MGR): “Great question. What do you think is a good starting point?”

TM: “I’m not sure, maybe I’d start with making a project outline?”

MGR: “Okay, let’s consider that further. If you started with a project outline, what might be some advantages and disadvantages?”

TM: “Hmmmm, I guess the outline would help me stay organized, but it may be too soon to do an outline because I haven’t met with the stakeholders yet. I’ll need to know what they want.”

MGR: “So it sounds like getting some more info upfront from others will help you create a better project outline. What else will be important?”

TM: “I’ll probably need to check in with the other teams on the project to see if the timeline is feasible since I don’t really know what other priorities they have.”

MGR: “Ahh, so you’re considering other impacts of the schedule in the project outline. What else is there to consider?”

TM: “Well, I probably need to find out about other priorities from our team too. I wasn’t thinking about that because it seems like this project is everyone’s top priority?”

MGR: “What if you found out that it’s not?”

TM: “I’ll probably come back to you for some guidance, or your help to set expectations with the other person.”

MGR: “You could, but I’m curious. How might you resolve that on your own?”

TM: “I guess I could ask what they can do, and when they can do it. I could negotiate. Maybe they have some flexibility with their other workload?”

MGR: “Maybe. Sounds like you have a plan. How can I support you?”

TM: “For now, I’m good. I’ll let you know if anything comes up.”

Count them up. This manager provided zero advice, but asked 7 “what” or “how” questions to coach their team member. Socrates would be so proud!

8. Coaching isn’t always the best approach.

Coaching skills for managers include knowing when coaching isn’t the right approach. Generally, coaching presumes the other person already has the know-how to be coaxed out by your what/how questions. It works because they have enough pre-existing knowledge and experience to generate powerful insights and solutions in response to effective questions. Conversely, providing feedback or training is the right approach when the other person doesn’t have the context necessary to generate useful insights. Imagine if the late chef Julia Child were to have opened an episode of The French Chef featuring boeuf bourguignon by asking 10 minutes of open-ended questions out to the studio audience. “What might boeuf be?… What do you think makes it Bourguignon?…What other ingredients might we add?… How do you think we should begin?” Painful! Without some existing knowledge of searing meat, sautéing vegetables, braising, reducing a sauce, or the inkling that something “Bourguignon” will probably involve red wine, this definition of coaching simply doesn’t work. The French Chef was a success because it taught content which was mostly new to the audience, lending itself to a show-and-tell demo.

Questions for leaders to ponder should they want to apply these coaching tips…

•In what situations do you rely on giving feedback where you could just as easily coach?
•What impact(s) might your use of coaching skills have on your team members
•What impact(s) might the use of coaching skills have on you?
•Who on your team would respond well to coaching?
•How could you use coaching to build leadership skill in your team members, even those who are not managers themselves?
•What habits do you have that might be an obstacle to practicing coaching skills?

Coaching requires building excellent communication skills. Who in your world would provide you with honest feedback about your development opportunities in the realm of communications?
Skilled managers coach.

Which of the 8 coaching skills for managers might you try?

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