Do you really need to be in control? And is it even possible?
Posted on February 03, 2025 by Bernard Thompson, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.
Feeling overwhelmed and constantly pushing water uphill is stressful — but the answer lies within you
A very common experience of clients is the feeling of having lost control of their lives and the natural reaction is often, quite logically, that they want to feel IN control.
Many people will try to hook in clients with the promise, “Take back control,” which seems like an enticing prospect. In contrast, my response could initially seem disappointing: “You can’t ever be fully in control of everything — and you don’t have to be.”
If that seems like a poor sales pitch, so be it, but bear with me.
Firstly, the feeling of having lost control is often distressing and it’s quite a valid complaint. Typically, it reflects a sense of being overwhelmed, perhaps through managing too many things at one time, having constant demands placed on you and finding that you are constantly “pushing water uphill”, reacting to so many different things that planning and truly productive work go out the window.
It can lead to exhaustion, stress and that often results in other reactions like lack of self-care, not being able to switch off, not being fully “present” with loved ones and a whole host of other issues.
But the key to making things better isn’t to feel in control of everything but to reframe the issue, informed by two important points:
Identifying the difference between what you can control and what you can influence.
Finding the confidence in yourself to manage in a world of uncertainties and unpredictable outside events.
People in various forms of counselling are often encouraged to find “the grace to accept the things they cannot change, the courage to change the things they can and the wisdom to know the difference”. I find that the same approach is valuable in coaching.
If you’re using your phone too much and it’s becoming a problem, that’s something you can control. It may be challenging to change at first — that dopamine hit from social media interaction has a real effect — but you should be in no doubt that you can be in control of that behaviour.
On the opposite end of the scale, you may have a company importing and exporting where your profitability is hugely dependent on the relative values of international currencies. You can’t expect to be in control of that, so are you going to live in constant fear of the currency markets killing your business?
If stressing about uncontrollable changes made a positive difference, everyone would be doing it.
In that scenario, there are things you can do that are within your control. You can keep up to date with the latest opportunities available within your industry, being open to opportunities that will make your business more robust, agile and less vulnerable to currency fluctuations.
You can manage your own performance, learn to prioritise, make more confident decisions, understand when to delegate (which is partially giving up control), hold colleagues and subordinates appropriately accountable for their own performance, to alleviate some of your burden. (And remember that by reducing your own stress, you’re making positive energy available for challenging times.)
And remember that between the areas you can and cannot control is a sweet spot — areas where you can exert influence.
You can’t control how many sales your company makes but you can influence the sales team’s performance through training, up-skilling and improved motivation.
You can’t always control how long a task takes to complete but you can influence it by eradicating prevarication, reducing distractions, improving focus and eliminating unimportant things that sap your energy.
Among the highest performers in the world are special forces operatives. They operate in the most extreme circumstances where the stakes are as high as they can be, with numerous factors they can’t control.
There would be no use saying, “This mission might have been fine in June when the weather’s nice but not in January blizzards.”
Preparation through training, meticulous practice and adhering to standards is within their control. The elements, enemy activity, uncertain intelligence are out of their control.
But in their mission activities, they act with composure and confidence, trusting themselves and their comrades to perform to their optimum and adapt to unpredictable changes.
Thankfully, few of us will ever face those extremes, even though times of overwork, stress and anxiety may make us feel that we’re under siege.
As humans, what stands out through our successful evolution is our adaptability. Coaching can help you navigate the uncertainties and learn to trust yourself, confident that you can and will manage in testing times.
No, you can’t control everything in life but, by reframing an issue of control as one of self-confidence, you absolutely can influence its direction for the better.
