Why is Divorce So Difficult - 7 Factors

Posted on April 10, 2024 by Elisa Valentino, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

I know it’s cliche, but sometimes the best things come out of adversity and that is true even with divorce. When I was going through my own divorce eight years ago, I was in such a state that I couldn’t see beyond the pain and confusion that I was living through. During this time, I felt alone and as if this experience was unique only to me.

As time went by and I started to transition to my new life, those feelings, fears and anxiety began to pass and I began to thrive. It was then that I was able to gain clarity that the difficulty in going through divorce is universal and my experience was not unique. I saw that these difficulties could be broken down to a handful of factors, and with awareness, self kindness, and compassionate support, moving from surviving to thriving is possible.

1. Change in Daily Routines
When you are used to spending time or having another person around, in spite of the fact that you might not be getting along or even find yourself in a very dysfunctional situation, it is still something you are accustomed to, defines your life and around which you have built routines.

That person and your way of interacting is still a part of your world and the way you operate. This includes individual and shared responsibilities. Removing that person from the equation and even the prospect of this, disrupts and changes the landscape of how you’re living on a daily basis, and for us as humans, any change is stressful and anxiety provoking.

2. Upends The Life You Know
Your divorce has many life-changing implications, including the possibility and probability of having to change residences, added financial responsibilities, changes in how and when you are with your children, social and friendship shifts, and even a change in your identity as a married person to a non-married/single person.

3. Emotional Turmoil
As your physical world is upended, it is only natural to experience great emotional turmoil. Nothing is what it was and there is no definitive blueprint as of yet for what will be going forward. As a result, this change shifts your life from predictable and safe to uncertain and dangerous. It is virtually impossible not to feel a sense of overwhelm, great sadness and tremendous anxiety as so many emotions are ignited all at once – many of which you’ve never felt with such intensity, all at the same time.

4. Divorce Is Like a Drawn Out Death
In many ways, divorce is very much like a death – the ending of a relationship, the ending of an intact family unit, the loss of dreams and expectations that you once had, and the prospect of a new future that is unknown. However, in the case of dissolving a marriage, it can and often is drawn out because of the legal system, the courts and the inevitable negotiations that are part of the process. As one painful event is dealt with and put to rest, another arises, which can bring pain and a sense of being stuck in the event, rather than on the road to healing and moving forward.

5. Single and Co-Parenting
The impact of of this single issue is enough to cause great anxiety and even depression because of the many issues that arise when breaking up the family unit. As parents, we do our best to insure that our children are safe and well cared for in every way. In the midst of divorcing, not only is there guilt for how our decision is and will affect our children, but there is also the practical realities of having to go on each day tending to their needs, in spite of our own personal pain and challenges. Add to this, the legal requirements of visitation, the upending our children’s lives, routines and the need to co-parent and make decisions in the midst of contentious, hurt, angry and sad feelings. Being overwhelmed is truly an understatement.

6. Legal and Business Realities
From a practical standpoint, divorce now forces you to have to deal with many legal and business issues all at once. Some of these may be new to you. The divorce process is like learning a whole new language and experiencing a whole new culture when it comes to the rules, requirements, the court system, the laws and crafting a divorce agreement with your attorney, which will impact your foreseeable future.

7. Adversarial Interactions
Finally, divorce and the stress of the previous six factors can bring out the worst in people, namely your soon-to-be ex-spouse and possibly even yourself. While you might have been fighting or disagreeing or having a difficult time while married, moving into the divorce now solidifies the fact that you may truly be adversaries, each out for their own interests. This can be quite traumatizing going from a mindset of being a couple to now being two individuals at odds with attorneys, professionals, a court of law and judges in the mix. It can be quite isolating and lonely, causing feelings of victimization and lack.

Additionally, if you are dealing with a future ex who tends to be more domineering or bullying, this can cause more stress to your self esteem or discomfort having to muster strength to fight for yourself and for that which you deserve and are entitled.

The solution for moving through all of these challenges, starts with understanding that these feelings are pretty universal during divorce and you will get through it all by taking one step at a time.