Red flags in your relationship
Posted on October 26, 2023 by Dr Ven Eyarhono, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Red flags in a relationship, a psychosexual issue
Red flags in a relationship
Red flags in a relationship: A Psychosexual issue.
Red flags in a relationship can arise for a variety of reasons and may indicate various types of issues. However, when it comes to psychosexual issues, the following may be red flags in a relationship:
1: Lack of intimacy: A lack of physical intimacy, such as hugging, kissing, or sexual activity, may indicate underlying psychosexual issues, such as low sexual desire, sexual dysfunction, or a lack of emotional connection.
2: Unresolved past trauma: If one or both partners have a history of past sexual trauma or abuse, this can impact their current sexual relationship and lead to difficulty with intimacy, trust, and communication.
3: Power dynamics: If one partner consistently dominates or controls the sexual dynamic, this may be a sign of an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship, which can negatively impact sexual satisfaction and emotional intimacy.
4: Addiction or compulsivity: If one partner engages in compulsive sexual behaviour, such as pornography addiction, infidelity, taunting/making fun of the male’s organs or excessive masturbation, this can lead to feelings of betrayal and can undermine trust and intimacy in the relationship.
5: Lack of communication: If partners are unable to communicate openly and honestly about their sexual needs, desires, and boundaries; it can also lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and a lack of intimacy.
It is paramount to note that red flags in a relationship related to psychosexual issues are not always easy to recognise and may require professional help to resolve. If you are experiencing any of the above issues in your relationship, it may be helpful to seek the support of a therapist or counsellor who specialises in sex therapy or relationship issues.
The causal links to lack of physical intimacy vary from couple to couple:
The reasons behind a lack of physical intimacy in a relationship can be complex and vary from couple to couple. Some common factors that can contribute to a lack of physical intimacy include:
1: Stress and anxiety: High levels of stress or anxiety can reduce sexual desire and make it difficult to be physically intimate.
2: Physical health issues: Chronic pain, illness, or medication side effects can impact sexual function and make it challenging to engage in physical intimacy.
3: Emotional disconnect: A lack of emotional connection between partners can make it difficult to be physically intimate and may lead to feelings of dissatisfaction or disinterest.
4: Relationship problems: Issues such as unresolved conflicts, resentment or infidelity can negatively impact physical intimacy and create barriers to sexual connection
5: Trauma or abuse: Past experiences of trauma or abuse can impact sexual function and make it difficult to engage in physical intimacy.
It is of utmost importance for couples to communicate openly and honestly about their needs and desires in order to address any issues related to physical intimacy. Seeking the support of a therapist or counsellor who specialises in sex therapy or relationship issues can also be helpful in addressing any underlying concerns and improving intimacy in the relationship.
In such situations, couples therapeutic intervention is highly recommended
Couple psychotherapy or counselling can be highly beneficial in situations where there are challenges with physical intimacy or other relationship issues. A trained therapist or counsellor can provide a neutral and safe space for couples to discuss their concerns, explore their thoughts and feelings, and work together to develop strategies to improve their relationship.
In couple counselling, the therapist/counsellor, may use various approaches such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), emotion-focused therapy (EFT) or psychodynamic therapy, depending on the unique needs and circumstances of the couple. The therapist may also use techniques such as communication skills training, sexual education, and mindfulness exercises to help the couple improve their relationship and enhance their physical intimacy.
The benefits of couple psychotherapy or counselling can result in improved communication, increased emotional intimacy, enhanced problem-solving skills and improved overall relationship satisfaction. Additionally, working with a counsellor or therapist can help couples to identify and address any underlying issues that may be impacting on their physical intimacy; such as past traumas, relationship dynamics, or health concerns.
It is very important to note that seeking help through couple therapy or counselling is a brave and positive step towards improving a relationship and it is also a sign of strength rather than weakness.
Unresolved past trauma must be investigated by the therapist
Unresolved past issues locked up in the mental processing connected to past trauma can be a significant factor in relationship issues including difficulties with physical intimacy. Trauma can impact a person’s ability to trust others, feel safe, and form healthy emotional connections. Therefore, it is essential for therapists to be trained to work with trauma-related concerns.
In couple therapy/counselling, if one or both partners have a history of trauma, the therapist will likely want to explore how that trauma may be impacting their relationship, including their physical intimacy. The therapist may use trauma-informed therapy approaches, such as trauma-focused cognitive-behavioural therapy (TF-CBT), to help the individual process and heal from their trauma.
It is important to note that trauma recovery is a process that requires a supportive and safe therapeutic environment. The therapist may need to help the couple establish safety and trust within the relationship before addressing any trauma-related concerns. They may also help the couple to develop healthy communication patterns, coping mechanisms and self-care practices to support the healing process.
The therapist must approach trauma-related concerns with sensitivity, empathy, and respect for the individual’s experiences and feelings. By working together with the couple, the therapist can help them to navigate any challenges related to past trauma and improve their physical intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction.
Emotional disconnect:
Emotional disconnect can be a significant barrier to physical intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction. Emotional connection and intimacy are essential components of a healthy relationship, and without it, couples may struggle to connect on a deeper level and feel disconnected from one another.
In couple counselling, the therapist may help the couple to identify any emotional barriers that may be impacting their relationship, such as communication difficulties, trust issues, or unmet emotional needs. The therapist may also use techniques such as emotion-focused therapy (EFT) to help the couple connect on a deeper emotional level and increase their overall emotional intimacy.
During therapy, the therapist may work with the couple to identify patterns of interaction that may be contributing to their emotional disconnect. They may help the couple to learn and practice effective communication skills, such as active listening and expressing feelings in a non-judgmental way. The couple must be encouraged to to engage in activities that promote emotional connection, such as spending quality time together, sharing experiences, and expressing appreciation and gratitude.
Ultimately, the goal of couple therapy/counselling is to help the couple develop a deeper emotional connection and intimacy, which can enhance their physical intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction. By addressing emotional barriers and improving communication and connection, couples can overcome emotional disconnect and build a stronger and healthier relationship.
Relationship problems
Relationship problems can be a significant barrier to physical intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction. These problems can arise from various sources, including communication difficulties, conflicts, infidelity, and differing values or priorities.
In couple psychotherapy, the therapeutic intervention would focus on identifying and addressing any relationship problems that may be impacting their physical intimacy. There could be a need to assist the couple to improve their communication skills, establish healthy boundaries, and resolve conflicts in a constructive way. Relevant psychological and sociological theory facilitate a framework to understand the situation in order to assist the couple to rebuild trust and work through any issues related to infidelity or other breaches of trust.
During therapy, the therapist may encourage the couple to explore their values, priorities, and expectations in the relationship. They may need support or encouragement to establish shared goals and work together to create a stronger, healthier relationship. The therapist may also provide education and support around healthy relationship dynamics, such as mutual respect, empathy, and trust.
Ultimately, the goal of couple therapy/counselling is to help the couple overcome any relationship problems that may be impacting their physical intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction. By addressing these issues and developing a stronger, healthier relationship, couples can enhance their emotional and physical connection and improve their overall quality of life.
Examples of power dynamics are
Power dynamics refer to the ways in which power is distributed or exercised within a relationship. Here are some examples of power dynamics in relationships:
2. Control: One partner may exert control over the other through manipulative or coercive behaviours. This can include emotional manipulation, threats or physical force.
3. Decision-making: One partner may make most of the decisions in the relationship, such as where to live, how to spend money or what activities to engage in.
4. Gender roles: Traditional gender roles can create power imbalances in relationships, with one partner expected to be more dominant or in control than the other based on their gender.
5. Jealousy: One partner may feel threatened by the other’s interactions with friends or family, leading to attempts to control or limit the other’s behaviour.
6. Dependency: One partner may be more dependent on the other for emotional, financial or other support, leading to a power imbalance of power in the relationship.
Having said that, it should be noted that power dynamics can be complex and multifaceted; and may vary depending on the specific context or individuals involved in the relationship. In couple counselling/therapy, the therapist may work with the couple to identify and address any problematic power dynamics and help them establish healthier, more equitable relationship dynamics.
Examples of unresolved past trauma
Unresolved past trauma can have a significant impact on a person’s emotional and psychological well-being and may manifest in various ways in their relationships. Here are some examples of unresolved past trauma that may impact a person’s ability to connect with their partner:
1. Childhood abuse: Experiencing physical, sexual, or emotional abuse during childhood can create trauma that may impact a person’s ability to trust and feel safe in their relationships.
2. Neglect: Childhood neglect or abandonment can lead to feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection or abandonment in adult relationships.
3. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): Experiencing traumatic events such as war, natural disasters, or assault can lead to PTSD, which may cause flashbacks, nightmares, and other symptoms that can impact a person’s relationships.
4. Betrayal trauma: Experiencing betrayal or infidelity in a past relationship can create unresolved trauma that may impact a person’s ability to trust and form healthy emotional connections in future relationships.
5: Loss: Experiencing the loss of a loved one, such as a parent or sibling, can create unresolved grief that may impact a person’s ability to form healthy relationships.
It must be noted that trauma is unique to each individual and can impact people in different ways. In couple psychotherapy , the therapist may work with the individual and their partner to identify any unresolved trauma and develop strategies to address and overcome it. Through therapy, couples can learn to communicate effectively, establish healthy boundaries, and build a stronger, more supportive relationship.
Examples of addiction or obsessive compulsions
Addictions and obsessive compulsions can have a significant impact on a person’s life and relationships, including their physical intimacy. Here are some examples of addiction or obsessive compulsions that may impact a person’s ability to connect with their partner:
1. Substance abuse: Alcohol or drug abuse can create addiction that may impact a person’s physical and mental health, as well as their ability to form healthy emotional connections in their relationships:
2. Sex addiction: Sexual addiction can lead to compulsive sexual behaviours that may impact a person’s ability to form healthy emotional connections and maintain intimacy in their relationships
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3. Gaming or social media addiction: Addictions to gaming or social media can lead to compulsive behaviours that may impact a person’s ability to engage with their partner in meaningful ways.
4. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): OCD can create compulsive behaviours and intrusive thoughts that may impact a person’s ability to connect emotionally and physically with their partner.
5. Eating disorders: Eating disorders, such as anorexia or bulimia, can impact a person’s physical health and lead to a preoccupation with food and body image that may impact their ability to form healthy relationships.
My approach to couple coaching/psychotherapy , is to work with you and your partner to identify any addiction or obsessive compulsions and develop strategies to address and overcome them. This may include referrals to specialist treatment programs or other therapists focusing on that specific area as well as education and support around healthy coping mechanisms and relationship dynamics. Through therapy/coaching you can learn to communicate effectively, establish healthy boundaries, and build a stronger, more support
Case study example of a psychosexual psychotherapy session for a couple
Note: This is a fictional case study example created for educational purposes only.
Case Study:
John and Sarah had been married for six years and were struggling with sexual intimacy for the past three years. John has a history of erectile dysfunction, and Sarah has a history of sexual trauma from her previous relationship.
Their first session of psychosexual therapy entailed making a holistic assessment of the couple ‘s sexual history to understand their sexual patterns, expectations, and challenges; Also, a detailed history of their relationship to understand the factors that might be affecting their sexual relationship. John and Sarah are also encouraged to express their feelings and concerns openly and without judgment. John expressed feeling inadequate and embarrassed about his erectile dysfunction, which was causing him to avoid sexual contact. Sarah expressed feeling frustrated and unsupported and believed that John’s avoidance was because he no longer found her attractive.
The therapeutic approach in this situation was CBT – cognitive behavioural therapy to help John and Sarah manage their sexual concerns. In addition to that, the suggestion to take up some relaxation techniques that could help them reduce anxiety and stress during sexual activity was made. With some calculated level of support, couple discussed ways of communicating their needs and desires more effectively to increase sexual intimacy.
There was also the need to suggest other practical means to help John with his erectile dysfunction. These included advising the couple to explore various sexual positions and focusing on other aspects of sexual activity other than intercourse. John suggested the possibility of using a penis pump or other aids if necessary and talked about the option of medication to manage his erectile dysfunction of which it was all agreed that a referral to the GP would be made to meet that specific need
From a psycho dynamic perspective, it was very important to address Sarah’s history of sexual trauma and to enhance her coping mechanism in managing any triggers that might arise during sexual activity. They discussed the importance of building trust and safety in their sexual relationship and agreed to take things slowly, building up to more sexual activity over time.
In subsequent sessions, the there was a need to continue exploring John and Sarah’s sexual history, encouraging them to continue practicing the techniques they had learned and helping them develop a more positive sexual self-image. It was also important support them to work through any issues that arose during their sexual relationship.
After several months of psychosexual psychotherapy sessions, John and Sarah reported significant improvements in their sexual relationship. They had developed respect and a better understanding of each other’s needs and desires, leading to a more positive sexual self-image. Both of them reported feeling closer and more connected in their relationship evidenced by more frequent and enjoyable sexual encounters.
