Building Relationships That Last - Building A Solid Foundation

Posted on September 25, 2023 by FREDA WILSON, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Maya Angelou once wrote, “My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and to try to love somebody and the courage to accept the love in return.” Love can be tricky. It can mean different things to different people. For example, ancient Greek philosophers tell us there are eight different kinds of love: philia (affectionate love), pragma (enduring love), storge (familial love), eros (romantic love), ludus (playful love), mania (obsessive love), philautia (self-love), and agape (selfless love or God’s love). Each of these types of love has its characteristics. Love can be portrayed in a range of expressions (emotions, actions, gifts, and so forth) with the interpretation of the love or the relayed meaning of the gift not necessarily being mutually understood. This could be why the poet Mary Oliver remarked, “There are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving. But who wants easier?”

In “building a relationship that lasts”, you need two specific types of love, positive passion, and comfort. Passion comes from the heart. It includes romantic and sexual energy. It prompts you to open your heart to someone. Passion involves longing and desire. It keeps you motivated within the relationship. Comfort, on the other hand, is more cerebral and might even be subconscious. It is when your brain says it is safe to commit to this person. It is when two people enjoy each other’s company. Comfort involves knowing the person will have your back and if the road gets rocky, you believe you can work it out. Comfort includes mutual respect and having shared goals and values, which leads to the ability to live a peaceful co-existence. Maintaining a healthy level of passion and comfort is an ongoing journey throughout the life of a relationship.

When building relationships that last, having passion and being comfortably in love with someone improves your chances of having an ingredient, your relationship has the potential to bloom and mature as you move forward as a couple. These two vitally important key building blocks are creating a good foundation to build upon as you continue to grow as a couple. But here are many other key elements needed to keep the mutual love and commitment budding… I will discuss these ingredients in the coming chapters.

Over the last forty to fifty years, here in the US, roughly forty to fifty percent of all
marriages ended in divorce. This does not include the relationships that failed or common law marriages. If we included these relationships, the percentages would be much higher. Interestingly in 2019, a study conducted by the Institute for Family Studies indicates the divorce rate dropped significantly. The divorce rate hit a fifty-year low in 2019, with only 14.9 out of every one thousand marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce. The study revealed that the number of couples getting married has also dropped significantly. In 2018, the rate fell to 6.5 per 1000 couples. This is the lowest level in 118 years. It is the lowest ever recorded since 1867, the first year for which federal government data on national marriage is available. Why do so many relationships end, and a myriad of people get divorced? Some couples are simply not compatible in many areas of their lives. Relationships require a lot of give and take. And if one side is all give and the other is all take, it’s a recipe for disaster. Selfishness can leave a partner lonely and neglected and ultimately bring the relationship to an end.
Relationships can fail when there is a breakdown in communications, when there is infidelity, or when there is a lack of trust. When there is no balance between the relationship’s needs and all of life’s other commitments, the partners can begin to drift apart. Unaddressed sexual dissatisfaction is another reason many relationships do not last. And of course, many relationships end because of abuse, which can include verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, substance, and child abuse and neglect.

Some couples have not adapted well to the changing roles of women in society. For example, some men do not like the idea of their spouse being the primary breadwinner. For other couples, the spark may go out as the physical appearances change. Gaining or losing weight may become an issue in some relationships. One or both may lose their hair. Often, over time, the passion in many relationships dwindles, and this too can be a reason for the relationship ending.

One woman, Kirsten, said she just was no longer attracted to her husband. He had stopped caring about his hygiene and how he looked, and that was a huge turnoff for her She mentioned that he had gained a lot of weight in the ten years they were together and looked a bit like Jabba the Hut with man boobs. The thought of being physical with him repulsed her.

Another thing that may be a turn-off is unrealistic expectations. You know the old joke right, women go into relationships seeing the potential in their men and the ways that they can change, and they are hopeful the change will happen. Men, on the other hand, go into relationships hoping the beautiful woman they want will never change. But both expectations are unrealistic.
When choosing to be in a romantic relationship that you want to work and last, you adopt the lifelong job of agreeing to keep passion and comfort at the forefront of our unions, but they must be balanced like the two sides of the scale that is held by Lady Justice.

Troubled Relationship:
Stormy. In a stormy relationship, there is plenty of passion. It usually manifests as anger, discomfort, abuse, or a sexually explosive situation. (Think bodice-ripper novels where people cannot get enough of each other or when your best sex comes only after having a heated, mean, and volatile argument.) A stormy relationship may feel a bit like surfing, with periods of calm.

After some negative passionate episodes, the periods of calm come when someone apologizes, so that there is a temporary resolution, or after all the sexual tension has been spent. This is followed by another wave of tension mounting since usually the underlying issues are not dealt with. They ride this tension before crashing into a fight again. Stormy relationships are cyclical, like waves in the ocean. Just as the tides are controlled by the distant moon’s unseen gravitational force, couples in stormy patterns may not know why they fight or what force is pulling them in that direction. They have lots of passion, both positive and negative. Their hearts are alive but their logical, cognitive abilities to resolve their relational problems are lacking. The heart is alive, but the brain is dead.

Indifference. When most or all the passion is missing, and the relationship is overloaded with comfort, you’ll find indifference. Anger may still be present en masse, but it is usually hidden or squashed. The desire or tendency to argue and fight is not present—and sometimes the desire to fight for the relationship isn’t present either. So, the union begins to die a slow and silent death. In states of indifference, the couple may no longer have feelings or desires for each other. Often, they have grown apart or have sensed that they are better off as platonic roommates or friends. They may be comfortable in their living arrangement and have no will to make changes. In other words, the brain may be alive, but the heart has died. Love has left the heart.

One-Sided. Sometimes one person is intentionally putting in the work toward maintaining and nurturing the relationship. This one-sided practice can cause the intentional lover to be unhappy, and somewhat or totally unfilled. The other partner is surely content with having all of the passion and comfort he or she needs.

Sometimes indifference can be one-sided. One partner puts forth effort and energy into saving the relationship. Sometimes one partner is indifferent while the other is content having all the passion and comfort he or she needs and therefore not understanding that the other person has grown indifferent because they feel unfulfilled. In the case of a one-sided relationship, the way to save it requires potential and willingness to change.

Can these relationships be saved? The potential and willingness to change are needed to save a relationship, and are essential ingredients to building relationships that last! Having trouble in your dating life, relationship, or marriage?
A relationship coach might prove beneficial. Contact me for a free consultation.

Reflections:
• What kinds of love are in your relationship?

• Is your relationship full of passion, or comfort, or is it a balance of the two? Would your partner answer the same?