Stop Saying "I Understand" When Someone is Venting - Say This Instead

Posted on August 30, 2023 by AJ Lester, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

There’s a meme floating around the internet showing basketball player Shaq at a fast food drive thru window. You can look it up if you like, but it basically goes like this:

Shaq: “Hello, food?”
Drive Thru Guy: “Food broke”
Shaq: “Understandable. Have a great day.”

Now, I don’t spend much time looking at random memes on the internet (honest!). But for some reason, I happened to see this particular meme one day.

And as soon as I did, I had a big “aha!” moment – I realised I’d just stumbled across a powerful little distinction that can make a huge difference during emotional conversations.

YOUR 2 MAIN JOBS WHEN SOMEONE IS VENTING TO YOU

When someone is emotional and they’re venting to you, two of the most important things you can do are:

1. Understand them
2. Make them FEEL understood

If you do these two things well, it will have a big positive impact on both the situation and your relationship with them.

In particular, you’ll help the other person to dissipate their painful emotions and feel better, which is one of the main things they want when they’re venting to you.

There are also many, many other benefits as well.

WHAT MOST PEOPLE SAY INSTINCTIVELY IN THAT SITUATION

When someone is venting and the person listening to them feels like they can relate, it’s very common for them to say “I understand”.

Maybe they’ll say just those two words, or maybe something more specific like “I understand how you feel”.

Or some similar variation like “I know what it’s like”.

It’s so natural and instinctive for most people to say things like that – it just pops out automatically.

And most people have no idea that saying “I understand” can actually cause more harm than good.

HERE’S WHAT’S WRONG WITH SAYING “I UNDERSTAND”

First of all, I want to be clear that saying “I understand” (or similar) is not ALWAYS a problem. Sometimes it can be a perfectly appropriate, helpful thing to say.

But in many situations, saying “I understand” could have the opposite effect to what you want.

So it’s important to be aware of that . . . and what to do instead.

A key thing to remember here is that when someone is venting emotions to you, genuinely understanding them is only half of the job.

You also need to make them FEEL understood.

And if you tell them you understand, but they don’t feel that you do (even if you really do), it can actually magnify their painful emotions further.

So on top of already being upset about the original issue, now they’re also thinking (or even saying to you) “no – you don’t understand! You don’t get it at all!”

And the next thing you know, they’ve become annoyed or frustrated or angry at you as well!

That kind of thing just makes the whole situation worse. It’s not good for your relationship with them either.

When I’m helping clients to communicate effectively, one of the things I teach them is that when person A is aiming to understand person B, it’s actually person B who makes the decision about whether person A genuinely understands – not person A.

So if you say “I understand” to someone when they’re venting, you’re basically making that decision for them. And if they don’t agree, it will aggravate the situation and they’ll end up feeling worse, not better.

HERE’S WHAT ELSE IS WRONG WITH SAYING “I UNDERSTAND”

But wait . . . there’s more!

Another key problem with saying “I understand” is that it can often also take the attention off the other person.

When someone is venting to you, they need the focus to stay on them and their situation so they can get the emotion out, work through things, feel better and move forward.

And yet, when the person who is listening says “I understand”, another instinctive thing is for them to then follow on with a personal experience of their own that’s similar to what the other person is facing.

They’ll say something like “I understand exactly how you feel – last week XYZ thing happened to me, and . . .”

And they do this to try and show the other person that they really do understand their situation.

While this is well intentioned, it creates a problem . . . now they’re talking about themselves.

So the focus is now on the person who is meant to be listening and understanding – not the person who is upset and venting.

And when someone is really upset and venting about their own issues, they absolutely do not want to hear about stuff that’s happened to other people.

There’s a time when that may be appropriate or helpful, but it’s not until after the vent is over, the emotions have subsided, and the other person is in a more rational state.

Plus, if the other person doesn’t think the two situations are that similar after all, it can actually convince them that you DON’T understand, which can get in the way of them feeling better.

HERE’S WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD OF “I UNDERSTAND”

OK, so if saying “I understand” can cause problems, what’s a better alternative?

Well, if you haven’t already guessed it from the start of this article, here’s what I suggest:

Say “that’s understandable” instead.

Or similar variations, such as “it’s totally understandable that you would feel that way”.

Or “everything you just said is completely understandable”.

There’s such a small difference in words between “I understand” and “that’s understandable”, but this one distinction can make a huge difference.

WHY THAT’S SO MUCH BETTER

When I first saw that meme with Shaq saying “understandable”, a light switch popped on for me.

I thought to myself “wow – that’s such a great way of empathising with someone and showing you understand them without actually claiming that you do understand.”

That means the other person still gets to decide whether you genuinely understand, and you’re not going to hit any resistance or trigger any further painful emotions for them.

It also keeps the focus on the other person and makes it less likely you’ll stray into an anecdote that’s all about you.

It’s also a very supportive thing to say, and it validates the other person’s perspective and feelings, which takes the power of understanding them to the next level.

They’ll feel like you “get” them and you’re right with them.

WHEN YOU CAN USE IT

You can make use of this distinction pretty much any time someone is upset and they’re venting to you about it.

They might be upset about something that isn’t to do with you . . . or there might be an issue or conflict in your relationship and they’re upset directly with you!

Either way, if they’re in pain, they need your understanding.

And whenever they need your understanding, it’s very powerful to use the words “that’s understandable” (and obviously avoid the words “I understand”).

Of course, when it comes to showing someone you really understand them, helping them to feel better, and resolving issues, there’s much more to it than just those two words.

But even if all you did was listen carefully to the other person and tell them their perspective and their feelings are understandable, that alone would have a big impact.

SUGGESTIONS FOR PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

If this is something you want to change in your own communication, I have a couple of suggestions for you.

Firstly, (and this applies to anything you’ll ever say), only say it if you really mean it.

If you can’t empathise with the other person’s perspective or emotions, or if you disagree or feel they’re being inappropriate, then you’re better off not saying anything at all.

Secondly, you may need to work at making the change from “I understand” to “that’s understandable”.

Because it’s so instinctive and habitual to say “I understand”, you’ll need to stay conscious when you see someone else getting emotional so you remember to say “that’s understandable” instead.

Then, at the appropriate times in the conversation, consciously practice saying it until that’s the phrase that comes out habitually and consistently in those situations.

This is something I’ve done myself. At first, I kept catching myself still saying “I understand”. But now I notice that nearly all of the time, “that’s understandable” is my automatic go to.

And it definitely makes a difference in helping to navigate these situations successfully.

Try it and you’ll see for yourself!

AJ Lester
UnleashAwesome.com

PS: if you want to learn a whole bunch more strategies, tools and techniques for communicating effectively and resolving relationship issues, I’m happy to show you.

Just contact me about personal coaching and we can make it happen :)