Is there hidden toxicity in your relationship?
Posted on April 18, 2023 by Carolina Perez Sanz, One of Thousands of Team Coaches on Noomii.
We humans tend to blame others for our discomfort. While this is normal, doing it with our partner chips away at our ability to connect with the them.
I know the feeling: from time to time, it’s satisfying to blame our partner for that really inconvenient thing that happened to us. Right?
But let me tell you: it’s not going to go well if you keep doing it. In the next few paragraphs, I’ll go over a few ways blaming makes a dent in the health of your relationship. Blaming is the number one symptom of hidden toxicity in a relationship, and it’s super easy to fall into. Good news is, it’s also easy to cure!
CONSEQUENCES OF THE HIDDEN TOXICITY OF BLAMING
The first consequence is obvious: no one likes to be blamed for the bad things that happened that we didn’t provoke. It makes us feel sad, disappointed, unfairly treated, and misunderstood. Those feelings are unpleasant and if I’m feeling them, I’ll spread them to whomever I’m with.
The second consequence is that I may end up believing I indeed am to blame for everything my partner blames me for. This makes me feel “responsible for the world.” If I believe I’m to blame for some of the things my partner finds hard about life, it means that I’m also responsible for their feelings.
In turn, that will make me extra cautious around them. I’ll end up withholding the truth about my own feelings for fear that I’ll cause more trouble with my partner.
So, I’ll withdraw and hide away as much as possible. I’ll avoid conflict and acquiesce whenever I can. The result? I’ll become a doormat that bottles up the hard feelings. And when there’s no more room for pressure inside me, I’ll explode and say and do things I’ll regret later.
“No bueno.”
The third consequence is that, if I “own” my partner’s feelings of powerlessness about life (because they’re blaming me for whatever bad happens to them), they become passive about their state of mind and life satisfaction. They find it impossible to accept and be with their discomfort but they’re not proactive about finding a solution.
When people can’t accept and be with their discomfort, they may develop numbing mechanisms—eating, TV, shopping, addictive behaviors and substances, etc.
Another possible consequence of this hidden toxicity is that, instead of withdrawing, the partner who’s been blamed may become defensive. When I become defensive, I’ll never be able to find even the 2% truth in what my partner is blaming me for.
As a certified relationship coach, I know there’s always 2% truth in everything someone says or feels.
HOW TO DETOX FROM BLAME
“Everyone’s right… partially.” This is the first rule of thriving relationships, and it’s precisely the cure for hidden toxicity in your relationship: always try to find right, not wrong. Even if you don’t agree with your partner, try and make an effort to find what’s the 2% truth in what they’re saying.
Finding your partner right (even just 2%) allows you to become curious. When you’re curious, you’re not judging—because you want to know more whereas judging implies that you already know everything.
And if you’re not judging, you can’t blame.
So, this is what I propose to you:
Either if you’re the one who usually blames or the one being blamed, try and switch to the perspective of curiosity and finding right. Start by being honest about your feelings and then ask questions.
For example, if you find yourself wanting to blame your partner, let them know that you feel inclined to blame them for this uncomfortable thing that you’re going through. Then share your needs with them and ask them how they can help you meet those needs. First be crystal clear about what you really need. Maybe it’s “I need a hug right now,” or “I need to know that we’re in this together,” or “I need to feel close to you when I’m sad.” And then ask for what you want: “Would you hug me now?” “Will you stay with me when I feel low?” “Will you just listen to me while I whine and cry about my problem?”
If you hear your partner blaming you, even if it’s passive-aggressively, let them know that you’re feeling blamed, and ask them if that’s really their intention. If it’s not, ask them what their needs are and offer how you could help them meet these. Also, express your own needs and ask for their support in meeting them.
And if you need even more support, schedule a discovery session with me to explore what are other sources of hidden toxicity in your relationship.
