How to Be a Good Sister
Posted on June 04, 2022 by Dr Jo L, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Seeing my sister struggle with an eating disorder, I became fixated on getting her help, which could have ruined our relationship.
The most beautiful moment for me this year was also the most painful. Visiting my older sister in California in January, I was devastated to see how emaciated she was; immediately recognizing from her body size and her behaviors that she was struggling with anorexia, an eating disorder which I had dealt with most of my life and have only recently recovered from.
As a former psychologist and survivor of anorexia, my immediate response was to confront her and insist that she get help. She was, of course, extremely defensive and angry, suggesting that I was jealous and obsessed with finding something “wrong” with her.
I became angry myself, and continued to ruminate about her well-being, strategizing with my other sister, my parents, and my husband about how to shatter her denial and get her help. My parents were less than helpful. They had been through so much pain watching me suffer from anorexia, I think they were in denial mode themselves. This fueled my desperation even more; I felt like my sister was going to waste away while everyone ignored it!
I called my best friend to tell her I couldn’t stand being around my sister seeing how sick she was. My friend said to me, “Jo, you’re seeing your old self when you look at your sister. Have mercy for her, and for yourself. Your sister is simply not ready to hear it. You can see her illness but she can’t and you’re pushing her away. Be her sister for now, not her rescuer.”
Oh. oh. She just wanted my company, my love and compassion. She wanted a sister, not a diagnostician. Not someone analyzing and judging her. Putting a label on her.
I stopped watching what she ate, looking at her tiny body, worrying about her. I let go of attachment to her anorexia, attachment to my own history of anorexia. I saw her as my beautiful, sweet, intelligent, funny, charming, compassionate sister and friend.
We ended up bonding and connecting in a magical way; the way we used to be when we were kids and teenagers, hanging out together all the time. We walked her huge puppy, listened to old Cure songs we used to obsess over, laughed until tears came.
I still worry, but I wait for her to come to me for help. She knows I am here waiting with open arms.
**Please note: eating disorders are incredibly serious and even fatal. If you know someone is struggling or have suspicions, please do talk to them directly about your concerns. Early intervention is associated with higher recovery rate. Keep in mind, however, that the individual with the eating disorder has to want help. There are some exceptions, such as when medical intervention is necessary. The following resources are helpful: National Eating Disorders Association, Eating Disorders Hope, Eating Disorders Resource Center, ANAD (free resources and support groups), Renfrew Center, Eating Disorders Foundation, Eating Disorders Coalition.
