Why Do New Years Resolutions Fail?

Posted on April 11, 2022 by Muunie Beard, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

1. We set ourselves up to fail.
   Sometimes, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to suddenly being able to stick to a regimen we’ve tried to implement over and over. In the back of our mind, we already doubt that it’s going to stick, and then end up confirming our belief that we’re destined to fail. Consciously or unconsciously, setting yourself up to fail is a powerful drug. When you do it unconsciously, you can easily blame yourself and go on thinking you’re a failure, a loser, or whatever your favorite self-insult is, and be none-the-wiser. When you do it consciously, however, your defenses kick in. You may even be thinking now, “wait, why would I even bother thinking of resolutions and declaring them if I wanted to fail?” If you’ve convinced yourself that any one simple thing is going to be a silver bullet to happiness…well, go see how that works out, come back and tell me about it. We all know that doing something we know is difficult for us, especially EVERY DAY, FOR. A. YEAR. isn’t going to be easy. So if you’re telling yourself it should be, you’re setting yourself up to fail.

2. When we identify as a “failure,” we are less likely to succeed.
   In my opinion, this one is the meatiest, and most likely, reason our resolutions fail. When people tell me their goals, I always ask next, “WHY do you want to achieve that?” The WHY is absolutely critical. EVEN MORE THAN THE GOAL. Let me try and prove it to you. Let’s say your goal is to work out twice a week. Seems pretty reasonable on the surface, right? You think, ‘If I am a capable and functioning adult, I should be able to get myself to put on workout clothes and go move around in them until I sweat for about an hour. RIGHT?!’

“Okay, so why do you want to work out twice a week?” I often hear things like, “I’m tired of feeling like a fat piece of shit.” “I want to look good in a bathing suit.” Or “I feel unhealthy”…All of these WHYs make us out to be failures.

They all originate from a negative self-concept. And we make the mistake of thinking that going to the gym twice a week is going to fix our negative self-concept. Nope. The self-concept, THE WHY, has to change. Let’s try on this first scenario. I set a goal of going to the gym twice a week. Monday morning rolls up and I’m like, ‘Ugh, okay, Morgan. Time to do what you said you have to do.’ Groan. ‘I GUESS I’ll put on my sneakers.’ I drag myself out of bed, maybe I’m even a little mad at myself for setting this goal. So I pepper in some “motivation:” ‘C’mon, you can do this. You ate a piece of cake last night, you HAVE to get up and work out or you’re going to gain weight.’ ‘You will feel terrible about yourself if you don’t do this.’ So whether or not we get up and work out, after telling ourselves all of this, chances are, we’re not feeling great about ourselves. If we get up and go to the gym, we’ve only done so because we punished ourselves into doing it. If we don’t get up and go to the gym, BOOM. Failure.

WHY DO WE THINK SELF PUNISHMENT IS GOING TO LEAD TO HAPPINESS?
Sure, it may get us to the gym, once, or twice, or for a month. But eventually, the improvements we see are going to conflict with the negative self-concept that we’ve been feeding underneath. A supreme amount of cognitive dissonance is the only thing that can save us now. Because when we get ourselves to the gym with insults, and then when we get there, we actually feel better about ourselves and are more motivated to go again, that’s eventually going to conflict with the only method we know for getting ourselves there. That system just isn’t sustainable.

So what’s the other system? Trust me, it’s not perfect. And it takes more work in the short-term. But, boy, does it pay off in the long-term. I work on becoming insanely, beyond-belief happy with myself exactly as I am. And then, because I love myself, I take myself for walks, I do yoga, I eat well, I have good sex…it’s a pretty great system ;)

3. We only create resolutions once a year.
   I love the energy of the new year, as much as anyone. Why? Because there’s an easy in to talk to people about self-improvement, which I am dying to talk about every minute of every day of the year. Not to brag (trust me, it’s a blessing and a curse), but I set goals and intentions for myself multiple times a day. I constantly give myself opportunities to fail and to succeed. And if you only give yourself one opportunity a year to succeed…that’s a lot of pressure. Treat each day like its own experiment. Sometimes, even the container of a day is too big for me. I’ll ask myself something like, “What can I do right now to feel like I’ve spent my time well?” When we set the container as a whole year, we start getting nervous about being able to do something for a whole year (as we should), and then we’re already waiting for ourselves to fail. Give yourself consistent, small opportunities to succeed. If that feels silly or unattainable or whatever negative adjective you’ve got cookin’, question your definition of “success.” Why does “success” have to be something that comes with such lofty expectations and such a high risk of failure? What is the value in it being unattainable? Other than reinforcing the negative self-concept ;)

4. We try to implement them alone.
   Everyone sits around the table or stands around at a party and decides or declares their resolutions. Everyone nods in mutual agreement, “Yeah, that’s a great goal!” We get to feel good about making our intentions known and getting the positive reinforcement that we are doing a good thing for ourselves. Then, when we’re in the trenches, struggling to keep up with those good things, we’re often too embarrassed or ashamed or not convinced it’s important enough to reach out for support. But actually, in many cases, it is in those moments where we feel less-than that we need each other. We are battling our negative self-concepts alone, when we don’t have to. The people that love and support us see through that bullshit. Let them tell you you are amazing, flaws and vulnerabilities and all. They don’t want you to feel like you have to be perfect, because they don’t want to believe that your love and support is contingent on perfection either. So the next time you can’t talk yourself out of feeling like a failure, give someone else a chance at bat. See what happens.

To sum it up:
If you want to set yourself up for success in the new year, try to avoid these pitfalls. Set specific, manageable goals with realistic standards for how they can be met. Start with one or two things you feel confident you can achieve. Make it easy to be successful and don’t fall into the trap of making the stakes so high you can’t help but fail. Get to the root of WHY you want to be successful in your goal, and align it with a positive, loving vision of yourself, rather than seeing yourself as inherently flawed. And finally, be brave enough to get support when it’s hard.

I’m here if you need me! Lots of love, Morgan.