Why We Do What We Do

Posted on November 13, 2021 by Sumita Dhar Life Coach, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Did you ever wonder why do we do what we do? This is a question that has been on my mind for a very long time.

Why is it that some of us are always angry or sad? Why is that some of us are always dancing with joy, and celebrating every moment of life? Why is that we keep yelling at some people all the time? Why is it that we are always good to some people? And why is that some people always make us unhappy, and some people always lights us up?

Why is that some of us want to buy a luxury car, build a luxury home, go for a luxury holiday, post innumerous selfies on social media, get that promotion, get that business deal, buy a specific brand phone, smoke or drink a specific brand, and dress up in a certain way? And why is that some of us keep doing crazy & silly stuff, go for adventures, fall in love again and again, and get heartbreaks again and again? And why is that some of us go above and beyond, set a new standard, and keep contributing to the world in their own ways? And yet, some of us struggling to live each and every day in life, struggling to find that spark of happiness, struggling to find that one moment of inspiration? And some of us surrendering to an unknown power called “Destiny” or “God” and waiting for better days to come, until one day, when the whole life passes by?

In my quest of finding these answers and to connect the dots, I have found out that each one of us have our own version of stories about the experiences we had in life, about the struggles we had, and our own model of the world.

Our model of the world guides us as to what to expect from others, what to expect from ourselves, how we should live our lives, how we can meet our deepest needs, and how we should respond or behave in any situation. Our model of the world consists of our values, beliefs, choices, the kind of stories we repeatedly keep telling ourselves, and our habitual emotional states.

For example, someone who values security will have a very different kind of life than someone who values fun and adventure. When someone who values security marries someone, who values fun and adventure, there are chances of conflicts.

Next is our beliefs. And you may not fully realize the power of our beliefs and how much it influences us. Let’s do this exercise. Wherever you are, please stand up and stretch your right hand forward with your index finger pointed towards the screen. Now, turn your hand towards your right, the furthest you can go, without turning your body. Please ensure you are not turning your body. Turn your hand to the furthest point you can. Now, turn your hand back and come back to normal position. Put your hands down. Relax. Now, I want you to close yours eyes while standing, no matter wherever you are. Now, with your eyes closed, please imagine you are turning your hand again without turning your body and this time, you have been able to turn it 60 degrees more, without any extra effort. Please remember you only have to visualize it, and not do it in real. Now, in your imagination, please get back to normal. Relax. Now, with your eyes closed, please imagine you have been able to turn your hand to 180 degrees more, without any effort. Feel inside your body how good it feels to be so flexible. Now, within your imagination, please get back to normal. Relax. Now, open your eyes, and turn your hand to the furthest point you can, without turning your body. What did you find? Have you been able to turn your hand almost 20-25% degree more, than you did the first time? Surprising, right? Why is it that you weren’t able to do it at the first time? Because you believed that’s the max you could. That’s how powerful your beliefs are. Think about it. If your beliefs can determine how much you can turn your hand, then, how much it might be influencing your actions in the rest of the areas of your life.

Now, let’s look at our choices. We are making choices every moment of our lives – whether to sleep that extra hour, whether to put that extra hour at work, what to eat, what to wear, whom do we become friends with, etc. Each choice comes with a different outcome/consequence and creates a different experience for us. For example, couple of years back, I missed a flight to Bangalore. I was on way to the airport when I realized that there is no way, I am going to reach on time. So, I had to make a choice then and there about my next course of action. Going back home was not a choice I wanted to make. So, I looked for the tickets for the next flight to Bangalore, which was an obvious choice, I guess. Then, a thought came to my mind, what if I could transform this experience of missing flight to something completely unpredictable, which will make me smile later when I remember this moment. So, I made a completely different choice, I booked the next flight to Goa, and yes, I went to Goa on a solo trip and had an amazing holiday. And today, when I look back in the memory lane, it always brings me a smile instead of feeling guilty about the flight I missed. That’s how our choices can change our experience of life.

The next and very important component of our model of the world are the stories we keep telling ourselves repeatedly. These are like self-fulling prophecies. For example, someone who keeps telling himself that life is unfair or tough, is always going to experience the same. Someone who keeps telling himself that it is hard to earn money, will always find it hard to earn money. Our mind is like a garden. Whatever kind of seed you plant and keep watering, the same will grow into a tree and a forest eventually and will ultimately become your belief and therefore, influence your actions and the results you get in your life.

Last but not the least, is our habitual emotional states or patterns. The kind of emotions you feel repeatedly every day and every week becomes a part of who you are, and how you feel about your life. Let me explain further. Have you heard of or seen people who stay in the cyclone prone coastal areas? Every year these people suffer from huge losses and have to evacuate their homes during cyclones. Yet, most of them continue to stay in the same home again and do nothing about it. Why? Because it is their home. It is their comfort zone. Similarly, all of us have an emotional home, just like our physical homes. No matter whether that emotional home makes us happy or sad, most people continue to stay within the same emotional home for their entire lives, because that is their comfort zone, and they are attached to them. Do you remember seeing someone in your life, who is always frustrated and complaining about something or the other yet, does nothing to change it. Do you also remember seeing someone who is always happy and sometimes happy for no reason? It seems like they don’t have any problems in life. Now, you know why.

Our model of world is the sum total of all of the above. Whatever happens in our life, we always find a way to associate a meaning to that. What meaning we give to each event/experience depends on our model of the world, and thereby determines why we do what we do. When we understand someone’s model of the world, we also understand how that person experiences life and what drives that person’s actions and behaviour.