NLP and Low self-esteem

Posted on September 16, 2021 by Shaimaa Shaltoot, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Low self-esteem may manifest itself in a variety of ways. Common emotions that you may have if you suffer from low self-esteem are:
• You may believe that others are better than you
• You find expressing your needs and emotions difficult
• You focus on your weaknesses not your potential
• You frequently experience fear, self-doubt or even social anxiety
• You may have a negative outlook on life and often feel a lack of control
• You have an intense fear of failure
• You have trouble accepting positive feedback
• You have trouble saying no and setting boundaries
• You put other people’s needs before your own
• You struggle with confidence

Any and all these states of emotion are a manifestation of low self-esteem, and will definitely affect your personal and professional life.

Usually low self-esteem is developed in our childhood, when we were ‘programmed’ by our parents, school teachers, and sometimes friends. These formative years, between the ages of 0-7, are critical in a child’s development, as we don’t have the power to control the ‘inputs’ we receive from others, nor defend ourselves against them. That’s why I always advise parents to be very careful during this phase, as it’s when they develop the child’s character and create his model of the world and beliefs about himself.

Often parents unknowingly and without intention say things to their children as they are growing up, that contribute to the development of low self-esteem and the shaping of their limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs stay with a child for a long time, as they are weaved into his character. They are the negative beliefs or thoughts about oneself, that prevent you from living the life you want or stops you from being who you want to be. Definitely not something a parent wants for their child!

Here are some examples of parents’ statements or behaviours that can lead to low self-esteem and limiting beliefs:
• When parents don’t show love
• When they blame the child
• When they insult him like telling him “you are stupid”
• When they compare him to others, like telling him “you are not as successful as your cousin”
• When, in anger, they say: “I wish you have never been born”
• When they set conditions to love them, like “if you get a high score at school I will love you”

These statements have a huge effect on the child; they are terrifying! While parents most probably don’t mean it, the impact is damaging on the child. Some results of such statements include:
• They have fear of being loved
• They are afraid of abandonment (not being taken care of)
• They start to think maybe if I don’t do this they will love me less, or if I did this they will love me more,
• They start believing that they are stupid, my dad always tells me so!

Alright, so now we understand how low self-esteem is created and where the limiting beliefs come from. What now? How can we deal with it? Is there any way to change this?
Yes, you can change this! NLP offers a number of techniques that can help you help yourself, consciously and subconsciously.

On the subconscious level, the time line therapy is one of my favourite NLP techniques that helps reprogram our subconscious mind by changing the negative beliefs to positive beliefs that serves us in the present and the future. On the conscious level, actively stop comparing yourself to others. By being consciously aware of this behaviour, you can stop this pattern. It takes practice, commitment and time, but you will feel the positive results when you finally stop.

Here’s an exercise that you can do right now to start helping yourself. I advise you to take a moment and think of something you want, and listen to the highest values attached to it. For example, you want to get married to feel loved and happy.
When the values starts coming out, these are projections, those values about yourself, is it a high level value or qualities about who you are. Ask yourself, am I happy? Am I loved? When you don’t feel like you own your high values, they are most probably beliefs. So, if you are searching for happiness and love from a marriage, then you most likely don’t believe you are happy or loved when you are single.
This is a limiting belief. You will not be happy or loved even when you get married because you have this limiting belief that you are not happy or loved and you need to be married to gain these qualities. This is not true!

When you take those values (happiness and love), and install them as qualities in your subconscious mind, lot of things in your life will change. You will see yourself differently, act differently and definitely get different results in your life. When you believe that you are happy and feeling loved on your own, without external factors that give or take that love and happiness away, you will be more comfortable and confident about your life. So even when it comes to choosing your life partner as you will be confident and you will have a clear mind on how you want your partner to be, you won’t depend on him/her to make you feel better about yourself, as you already know your qualities and value. It’s so exhausting and relationship destroyer when we rely on our partners to make us happy, no one is responsible for our happiness, but we are.

Remember, having healthy self-esteem can help motivate you to reach your goals, because you are able to navigate life knowing that you are capable of accomplishing what you set your mind to. Additionally, when you have healthy self-esteem, you are able to set appropriate boundaries in relationships and maintain a healthy relationship with yourself and others.

I know you are wondering now how do you do this? or if you are capable of doing this?