When someone needs help but they don't actually want it... what to do?
Posted on September 22, 2020 by Dounia Marei, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew someone needs help but for some reason they didn't want it? How did that make you feel?
Though it might sometimes be unpredictable, in my case it is almost inevitable! I see it thrown my way even before a word is uttered.
With all that is going on – around and within people – a lot is written all over them.
“What can I do to help someone who doesn’t want to be be helped?”, and of course it is almost always about someone loved and cared for by their close friends, families…etc.
I wish to God I could help too and answer the desperate question. But I have seen enough in my years and dealt with many cases to remain naïve and assume there is a magical way of doing it, a spell to cast or a charm to swallow – et voilà! Everyone becomes happy again – but, I happen to know otherwise.
When I receive such desperate question, I immediately give my undivided attention to the person asking the question and insist that; they have to look after themselves first to be able to sustain the needed energy and extend the help they volunteer to give. One cannot help another, unless they are able to do so and one won’t be able to do so unless they help themselves first. Otherwise, no one will come out of the turbulent storm!
It is an extremely fragile situation! Not accepting help or acknowledging the need for it, doesn’t mean the person is unaware of their conditions, or the situations they are in. Many are sadly paralysed by a fear so big it has a very firm dark hold on their will. So strong the hold is for them to open their eyes and see it for what it could actually be or whether something could be done about it. Even worse, they could be fearing there is no way out of it. But if we truly are keen to help, then we have to acknowledge people’s fears. It is not our place to judge!
If you still insist on helping, then it is vital to help those people in need of help to feel that they are not alone. That though you may not totally understand what is going on with them, you acknowledge it and working on accepting them and their needs. It is possibly hard to do, but very supportive and will create a common ground which will lead to positive change… in time.
Sympathy is appreciated and nice but it falls short compared to empathy. Empathy will pave the way for you to reach the hidden denied agony. It encourages the person in need of help to reach out, to take few tiny steps in awareness and act slightly better and receptive.
We need to trust the process and have an unshakable faith in people’s capabilities. you will be amazed with how that does work miracles! It is one of the most rewarding moments I – gratefully – happen to be on the receiving end of it; seeing my clients growing out of their comfort zones, knowing they can and they will be fine.
With all my best,
Dounia Marei
