Unraveling a Self-fulfilled prophecy

Posted on February 27, 2020 by Sureya Naidoo, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

A narration of how a childhood incident in my formative years, continued to ravage the choices of my eventual decisions, in my adult life.

It’s a tale of young and matured ‘Love’. An alleged Love yearned – yet repeatedly sabotaged. A story that depicts and supports how my personality (self-belief) had created my personal reality.

It all begun in my early teens (age 15), once I began to accept the idea of boys, and the impact they were having on me – shy, nervous, clumsy, awkward. Recognizing my sheltered and conservative upbringing, I was afraid and ashamed to admit both my interest and the imminence of the next stage in my teens, which was teenage love.

My notion of teenage love: ‘It’s passing each other between classes and stopping to say Hi but end up running … It’s the uncertainty of how long it will last, a risk you’re both willing to take. It was teenage love and curiosity got the better of me.

My first date or rather initiation into what teenage love suggested, was an innocent walk home after school, by a boy in my class. What can I say – it was an experiment in itself? I massively had the jitters. I felt part lab rat, unaware of what was to come, fully aware that I was there for an obvious purpose, but uncertain of the outcome. The other part of me felt like a young woman, all grown up, entering territory that felt adultlike and daunting. Yet, exciting, enticing and somehow different in a profiting way.
I had enormous inner conflict, as my brain and heart struggled to recalibrate the emotional eruption that was transpiring within. I found myself grappling with the sheer anticipation of what was to come next, there was nothing natural nor comforting at this moment. I wondered if I was meant to feel this much anxiety, and if so, why do people engage in dating? I was consumed with overwhelming confusion and guilt.
The minute I had succumbed to “Guilt”, an unrestrainable flow of emotions dominated my thinking, and so I began to question my thoughts and actions. In so doing, I unintentionally opened a flood gate from my earlier childhood. How was I sure of this? I heard an ‘authoritative voice’ in my head – echoing the words ‘you are forward and disrespectful’. I chose to IGNORE the voice.
As confusion reigned over me, I comforted myself that most of my classmates were exploring dating interests, thus, was it wrong and shameful to be pursuing the same? But why did it feel so sinful?
As soon as I asked the question – I found myself being teleported back to my childhood. Wherein prompted by an earlier childhood incident, in which I had been ridiculed by my elders, particularly my aunts (both were school teachers and I valued their opinions) who labeled me as being forward and undisciplined. Incidentally, this occurred during a childhood event (wherein I had stood my ground at age 9 years, for what I believed in), and as a result hereof was labeled as ‘forward and disrespectful’. Seemingly, years later I was still harboring these shameful words somewhere in my psyche and were now inscribed into my belief system. Supposedly, my subconscious was warning me through fear, of the risks associated with ‘being caught out by my elders’. Reminders of the shame and humiliation swept over me, motivated by this fear, I instinctively decided I needed to leave. Preposterous really, how the human mind at once engages safety mode when it feels endangered. I was unconsciously able to conjure up a plausible excuse – THINK. DECIDE.ACT. Within seconds I engaged survival mode (fight, flight or freeze).

I didn’t consider how the boy might interpret my erratic actions. Returning to school the next day was agonizing and so were the days that ensued, as his interactions indicated that he was embittered (rightfully so). I omitted to regard his teenage ego and how that might have been bruised. All the while wondering what his version of the events was, which resulted in me feeling self-conscious and judged.

My assumptions fed into my belief that he probably saw me as “forward and disrespectful”, particularly as I had led him on and then ditched him midway. I became increasingly self-conscious and insecure, my grades plummeted of course. Eventually, we parted ways as the school year closed, conjointly, closing my teenage love and it’s abashment.

As I approached age 17, I was excited about my last year of senior school, and the future, since having clarity and feeling confident-ish.
Not surprisingly, I gradually started to gain more interest from boys, which ensued mutual interest, resulting in an actual first date. It was a date at the movies, thankfully other students were joining for the same purpose of either first or second date. I found myself in a conundrum of emotions, trying to speculate what comes next. Determined to manage my inner conflict or not being flirty and forward, yet being led by curiosity and wonder (which incidentally was me living my ‘value’ of curiosity) but had no idea at the age of 17. I realized and accepted that my boldness and curiosity far outweighed my rational mind, as it started to unconsciously direct me.
Abruptly, I heard the ‘authoritative voice’ in my head again, repeating the words ‘forward and disrespectful’. In a fraction of a second, I once AGAIN bailed out, with an excuse and ended the escapade before it began.

This self-sabotaging behavior perpetuated itself, the same pattern/cycle often in a variant of forms and scenarios, relationship after relationship – well into my adulthood and 30’s. I was in effect enacting a self-fulfilled prophecy, yet completely unaware of it.

It wasn’t until I embarked on my catalytic journey, in becoming a Life Coach, that I was cautioned about the effects of a self-limiting prophecy.
Engaging with a Coach, facilitated the process of uncovering and recognizing that I was in fact, enacting a self-fulfilled prophecy. Eventually enabling me to underpin the self-limiting belief, which held me captive in my own life, from age 9 years onwards.

Undoubtedly, I had been choosing my decisions from “shame and humiliation” and this is how I lived my life. This was a pivotal moment in time, a ‘revelation’ that catapulted my Life and eventually my Coaching career. I sighted my defining moments of change and transformation, which inspired my relationships with ‘self’ and others, henceforth.

I dignify being a ‘generative element of the World’, by intentionally guiding and driving self-awareness in others, to explore their own self-limiting beliefs and ultimately unravel the self-fulfilled prophecy associated with that belief, so that they too can live from freedom of choice and ultimately create an abundant life.

Together with our BELIEFS, our VALUES drive our decisions and actions.

It’s important to note that, during our childhood – we formulate ‘beliefs’ which we hold onto, as these beliefs unknowingly allow us to Express and Relate ‘to and in’ the World", creating a sense of understanding and safety, from which we CHOSE AND LIVE daily. Thus, maintaining these beliefs create the illusion of the World being a safe space for us to operate within.

Our formative years of life have great bearing on our decisions, therefore be wary of what truths and untruths you may have inherited from your childhood. Give immense gratitude to your parents and childhood nurturers as they did the best they could. After all, they too are “Products of their upbringing and childhood” so pardon their mistakes.

Only ‘YOU’ have the Power to Change.

This article was intended to depict the unspoken truth of how our childhood experiences shape who we are, and ultimately how we show up in the World. I came from ‘shame and humiliation’ which restrained my thinking ability to interpret and chose what I truly wanted.

Similarly, when we believe something about others, we may act in ways that encourage them to confirm our assumptions, thus reinforcing our beliefs about them.

A self-fulfilling prophecy can lead to cycles of thought and behavior—both good and bad.
For example, if you wake up and immediately think—perhaps for no particular reason at all—that today is going to be a terrible day, your attitude might make your prediction come true. You may unconsciously work to affirm your belief by ignoring the positive, amplifying the negative, and behaving in ways that are unlikely to contribute to an enjoyable day.

“When we expect certain behaviors of others, we are likely to act in ways that make the expected behavior more likely to occur”

The same can be said for someone who is constantly doubting his ability to perform at his job. He may inadvertently sabotage his career growth, as he has convinced himself that his work is mediocre. So naturally, for him, he may avoid investing much time and effort, perhaps even avoid doing it altogether.

I hope this Article shares the insights that were intended by the Author… enjoy the Journey