How Heavy is your Mental Load?
Posted on January 28, 2020 by Georgie Coote, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
As a parent, particularly a mother, you carry the mental load for organizing your family and yourself. It's enormous and can be overwhelming.
Do you ever feel like your head is going to explode with all the things you have to do?
There is always so much to organize, to keep track of, and so much to do; you feel like you are juggling 1001 things all the time.
You have a huge mental load.
If you are a parent, your mental load is even heavier; you have to organize things not only for yourself but for your children too. In a family, there is usually someone who takes on most of the time-critical organization of family and home, and this is typically the mother. It starts when you have a new baby, and as you are the primary parent at home, even if you are returning to work, you start out being the organizer of the day to day tasks involved in running your new family.
As the children get older, you still take the main load of getting them ready for school and getting them there on time. You make sure they have their lunch made or enough lunch balance, planning dinner, making a grocery list, grocery shopping, making dinner, organizing dinner around sports, getting to activities on time or arranging rides, making appointments, working out childcare, the list is endless. It’s exhausting to keep all those ducks in a row.
Of course, there are still other parts to keeping a family and home running smoothly; home maintenance, planning vacations, yard work, helping with homework, not to mention all the mental load that comes with your job.
The key here is whether your mental load is significantly higher than your partners.
Your partner may be willing and helpful, but do they rely on you to organize most things? Does your partner typically say things like “I don’t know, you choose,” “You decide, you know more about it,” “Let me know when X needs to be done, and I’ll do it” or “You should have told me you needed help”?
Yes? So, what is the solution?
Firstly talk about the mental load you carry. This is a great cartoon that explains it clearly. You could start delegating some of the time-critical and time-consuming mental tasks to your partner or older children. This might be hard at first because they might fail, and you must let them. Don’t fall into the trap of delegating and then checking on whether things have been done; this does not decrease your mental load.
Some examples might be:
When someone sees that they have run out of something that needs to go on the grocery list, have them add it themselves. If it’s not on there, it doesn’t get replaced.
Delegate some of your weekly tasks to your partner, i.e., grocery shopping, washing clothes, whatever works for you.
Have everyone help around the house; children as young as three or four can be given tasks to complete.
Have everyone make their own appointments. Don’t underestimate the ability of your kids to make calls; it builds confidence and independence. Of course, a little hand-holding at first will be needed.
Ask for family input on what meals they would like in the week. Two, three, or four + heads are better than one!
Have children keep their calendar as soon as they are old enough so they can start working out when they must be ready to get out the door for school or activities. For older kids, have them put their activities on a shared calendar so you can see it. If it’s not there, and you schedule something over it and can’t take them to practice, they will learn its importance quickly.
Remember, though, if someone takes something off your load, don’t expect it to be done precisely the way you would have. This might take some practice; it’s hard to let go, I know from experience!
Another great tool to clear your head and reduce your load is a thought download. Read my post about how to do this. Not only will you be able to see more clearly what can be delegated but also what is not necessary so you can let go of it completely. I’m a big fan of putting what’s left on my calendar, and I mean everything, from grocery shopping to writing this post, to bill paying, to when I am going call to schedule an appointment.
So, how do you plan to reduce your mental load this week?
