Authenticity

Posted on January 15, 2020 by Renee Nash - CPCC ACC, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

From a heart connecting moment with a loved one to a simple greeting at the grocery store. Every minute of every day is precious. Why would we want to waste any of them not being authentic? Being authentic is the key to living every moment to the fullest and brightest way possible.

Authenticity is about connecting, being present with awareness and acceptance. In my coach practice I see common threads around the challenges and benefits of authenticity. Many get stuck in the tension or they miss out because they overthink the situation. Others have a vague recollection of experiences. Some even feel a flatness in their lives – that dull “get through the day” feeling. Why? Let’s say the answer is that authenticity is not common or fully understood.

Websters dictionary says “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character. Cambridge Dictionary says “arguably has a further dimension, beyond the information and autonomy requirements, namely richness". Wow, that’s so interesting. Namely richness. That spoke to me as I am focusing my coaching practice around life fulfillment. There is a richness in being fulfilled. And to be fulfilled we must own authenticity. I am also struck by Webster’s true to one’s own personality. To hold these things fully we must have awareness of our own personality, we must show up and we must be willing to connect. So let’s discuss these components.

Connection:

True connection comes deep listening. Listening to learn versus listening to respond. Deep listening is noticing the affect of what they are saying and not only the words they are saying. It’s asking questions for the purpose of deeper learning versus deeper judgment. Deep listening requires and open mind and an open heart.

As a society we often hesitate to share something really important to us. We are concerned with the other persons reaction or judgment. Worried about what they will think of us or if they will share what we are opening up about. If we stop and realize that what they think of us is what we show them then why not show them who we really are? To connect with another we must present who we really are, how we think, how we feel and most importantly how we hurt. Otherwise we’re simply holding up a picture of what we want them to see and most times they aren’t that excited about that picture. I challenge you to go to your oldest friend and ask them to describe you. I bet you’ll hear something that doesn’t ring true, or possibly something is missing something you’ve held back. It can invite a more open connection to put that picture down and stand in front and center of who you are.

Connection also gets into the sticky area of trust. Can we trust them with what I have to share? Can I trust myself to honor what they are sharing? The concern and worry over trust will dissipate the more you work on awareness and being present. When you have a healthy self-awareness and you are fully present the need to trust is irrelevant. When honoring that moment for the precious gift it is than there is nothing to distrust.

Another factor that makes being present challenging is how the other person is really showing up. Are they on their phones? Are they watching t.v. with half a ear? Let’s show up fully for the other person and see what can be learned, give them the space to share and live in the quiet space so that more can show up. By taking the time to connect with someone you learn more about them and yourself. How do you learn about yourself? When someone is opening up to you or sharing with you it creates a new set of feelings in ourselves, how we react or respond to those feelings is a learning – a growth. Awareness is necessary to notice those feelings and to remain connected with another.

Awareness and Acceptance:

Awareness is knowing who we are. Acceptance is loving who we are. We’ve been told self exploration is wu wu, new age, time consuming, selfish, out there, crazy! Is it really? To take the time to spend with just yourself and get to know what is important to you is the best gift you can give yourself. We are programmed from early age to put aside how we feel and to be there for others. Is that truly showing up? How can we really be there for another if we aren’t deeply committed to being ourselves. We are taught that it’s more important to make sure others around you are pleased with your behavior than to really show how you feel. How many times do we hide our hurt so that another doesn’t get upset? How many times to we say “how are you?” and truly mean it?

A client recently told me that when I ask him in the beginning of a session “how are you?” he has to do some digging because it’s the only time someone means it and he shows up in that moment with truth and awareness.

I invite you to take time to answer these questions:

What are you passionate about? 

What can you not live without?

Who inspires you?

What angers you?

Why do you get up in the morning?

If you had the perfect life what would that look like?

What do you hide from others?

What do you feel is the nicest thing you’ve done in your life?

I’m amazed when I ask people some of these questions they honestly don’t know. To not know these answers you are missing out on what God has blessed you with. No one is like you. You are unique and perfect in your own way.

In order to show up fully for another you must first show up for yourself. Without this self-awareness and acceptance what we are doing with others is pretending. We pretend to care about what they are saying and feeling. We pretend to get excited about something. We pretend to be angry at a wrong doing. Why do I say pretend? Because without knowing all aspects of yourself how do you know how you really feel? And without that knowledge what are you giving the other person? It’s like offering salve when what you really hold is the cure.

Self-exploration doesn’t have to be time consuming but a very fulfilling and heart opening adventure.

Being Present:

There are so many distractions in our world: internet, phone, t.v., social media, etc. Putting down distractions is a challenging discipline. We all want to multi-task, we want to get things done and we don’t want to miss out on anything. I’m guilty of F.O.M.O. However, not showing up fully we are missing out on a rare and beautiful moment.

Moments with another person can never be repeated. Each moment is unique. I often feel I am having to be entertaining in order to compete for someone’s focus, that I have to be more interesting than Facebook or a game on their phone. It’s very painful to not feel worthy of putting the phone down. What we do when we hold a phone in front of us instead of simply “being” with another we are telling them they aren’t good enough. This causes a shut-down and closing off of emotions. Each generation is more and more distracted, more and more invested in the internet and less invested in human interaction.

I marvel at what I witness in restaurants, parks and even at beach resorts. I see the tops of heads instead of faces. I see couples staring at the phones instead of each other. I see people on a beach laying in front of the most incredible view and missing it all by staring at their phones. We miss what the other person is experiencing or sharing. They could be expressing love, wincing in pain, feeling anxious, or simply smiling. Those are gifts we get when we show up for them, when we listen to what their bodies are saying as well as their mouths, when we hear that catch in their breath.

Live in the moment with where you are in that moment. Be present and make sure you don’t miss a thing. Facebook will be there when you drink your coffee the next morning, I promise.

You can see how working with all three of these components you create a beautiful dance in authenticity! How do you show up? How do you connect?