Remembering our Primal Sides: Back to Basics Foreplay

Posted on December 01, 2019 by Regina Karsh-Helsten, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

A new client, let’s call him, Nate, sought me out because he wanted to spice things up in his marriage. Between kids, work, projects on the house, and weekly dinners with other couples, he and his wife had forgotten how to find their passion. We started his first coaching session by sitting in front of each other with our eyes closed. I asked Nate to mirror my breathing and clear his mind of any distractions. We were on the floor, seated in front of each other, and then I asked him to come onto all fours before I led this visualization. “Pretend you’re an animal. Any animal. Feel in your body what it’s like to be you, connecting to your primal side. Move a little. Sway back-and-forth, arch your spine, wiggle or shake. Make faces. Make a sound. Now start moving around on the floor a little, and I’ll be near you but being my animal. Then, we each suddenly notice that there’s another being in the room. Stay on all fours and come towards your fellow-creature, if you’re willing. It’s ok if you’re not ready yet or today. If you find me, you’re welcome to check me out, with your body. Keep your hands on the floor but use your head, your side, your neck, your face, even your other senses, to feel this animal who is near you.”

As we move around each other, I feel his head butt into mine hesitantly. Nate comes forward but then pulls away before he comes back. I inhale deeply as if smelling him. He seems to like it as if I’m taking him in. He comes closer and we continue to play, to explore like puppies and children. I barrel into him, knocking him to the floor, on his back. I can hear him laugh. The wall has come down. When we debrief, after the exercise, I suggest that this is the kind of foreplay activity that he can do with his wife, to heighten connection and arousal.

It wasn’t until several sessions later that Nate talked about his parents. His mom died when he was young and his father raised him. His father was a great provider, but he was not emotional, connected, or physically affectionate. Nate admitted that he’s had a hard time with physical intimacy when it’s not for the purpose of sex. I asked him if he’d like a hug. He just sat there for a while and looked at me, but it was clear that he was deep in thought. Then he told me that he’d never put the two together, that the lack of intimacy from his parents was directly connected to his fear of being intimate that way with a partner. He said it’s scary to think of letting go or being all in for fear that it will be short-lived or that he will be rejected for seeming soft. We leaned into each other for the hug. I must have held him for five minutes. Then he laid his head on my lap and cried. He didn’t say much for the rest of the session. He just went out the door, looked back once, smiled shyly and nodded.