Valuing Differences: an exploration of diversity from a coaching point of view

Posted on May 27, 2011 by Teri-E Belf, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

In 1984, three years before I became certified as a coach, I was blessed to be trained by Rosalyn Taylor O’Neale to offer her Diversity Program called, Valuing Differences. The learning and experiences I had influenced my coaching ability profoundly.

Rosalyn taught me that there is a progression needed to emerge into the highest relational space. The progression goes from recognition, to understanding to acceptance to valuing. The purpose of this article is to examine each step in the exploration of differences and diversity from a coaching point of view.

Recognize

I am a female. I am 5 feet 5 inches in height. You recognize when you see me that I am either shorter or taller than you are. I wear two hearing aids and look closely at your lips when you speak. These are facts. We recognize through external evidence things that distinguish us from each other. When we coach we constantly calibrate what is typical for our clients, what is their norm. When a facial expression or series of expressions change or a gesture is amplified or diminished or a variation in speech volume, pitch or intensity occurs, our coaching antenna raises and we pay attention. This change might be important. It might signify something has shifted internally for our client. We cannot see or hear our clients’ internal mechanisms; all we can note are the external manifestations. In giving direct communication we have two options: 1) speak to these observations, without interpretation or judgment, just as facts. Then we ask our clients what has happened and what they can learn from the shift, or 2) Better yet, we ask our clients what they just noticed or heard or felt so they can begin to develop the habit of recognizing when something internal changes. In this way we are not positioning ourselves as the expert and our clients gain skill and mastery over self-recognition. We are trained to recognize. Our experience and intuition guide us whether to speak it in the moment, store it, determine whether there are patterns, or choose not to say anything.

Understand

Coaches are trained to pay attention to context. Context means things like the field within which the client operates, the meaning of life, the values, the frame of reference, cultural influences and norms. We do not need to understand the context; we do need to be aware that it operates 24/7 and provides a world-view different from ours. I do not need my clients to understand why I wear hearing aids. I do not expect to understand the world of someone who was brought up in the hot country outside of Bogota, Columbia just because I visited that part of the world. I do need to understand and be sensitive to the fact that the person may hold a different world-view from me. I do not need to understand that world-view. I do need to question whether clients understand how their world-view influences and impacts their behavior, values, emotions and thoughts, beliefs and assumptions. I do not need to know why a client makes choices; I do need to ensure the client can (and does) make choices.

Accept

The extent to which we know ourselves and accept ourselves as we are is the extent to which we can accept others. I accept that my hearing loss requires the use of aids. How many people do you know who truly accept themselves as they are? How often do judge our clients because they make choices different from the choices we would make or could make or should make? Can we accept clients who procrastinates and are fine with it? Or a client who is late most of the time without apology? Or who smokes? Or who consistently self-condemns? Or who believes in abortion? Or who does not believe in abortion? Or? Or? Or? Self-aware coaches look inside and work to transform those spots where we do not accept our clients’ behaviors or emotions or means of expression.

I recall a coach-in-training telling me she was angry with a client whom she referred to as ‘rude and inconsiderate’ because she did not respond to phone calls or e-mails. The coach’s anger was revealed in her words and feelings as she spoke with me during a coach training meeting. I asked her if she would choose to speak with an angry person. She acknowledged that she needed to accept her client instead of imposing her background and beliefs onto the client. On the drive home she mentally rehearsed accepting her client and to her surprise the client contacted her later that night. We cannot change people, they can only change themselves. . .if they choose to. Masterful coaches accept that we and our clients are doing the best we can. Acceptance may sound good as an ending point and yet there is one more step towards fully embracing differences and diversity, valuing.

Value

Acceptance is neutral. It is like a stick shift on a car. Being in neutral enables one to go forwards or backwards. From that middle position all directions are possible. Moving out of acceptance into valuing brings us to the most empowered relational position. Value suggests worthy, important, useful and significant. Valuing means finding the good and positive about the person or the situation. In coaching we ask, “What can you learn from this?” or “How can this benefit you and those in your life?” “What was the value in having had this experience?” or “How can you use this experience for your advancement or enhancement?” I value my hearing loss because I have honed my intuitive abilities. I value my hearing aids because they provide me with a link to the outside world of hearing. I know I experience value when I feel so deeply humble and grateful. What are your signs?

In Coaching With Spirit I write that I believe that the real reason we coach is to provide a space of unconditional love and acceptance for our clients over a period of months in which they can just be who they truly are. Most people have never had that experience of being accepted and valued month after month after month. This is the potential of our profession, the gift we offer. What a different world it would be if we all felt recognized, understood, accepted and valued our clients and each other.

Coaching With Spirit: allowing success to emerge. Belf, T. Jossey-Bass/Pfeiffer, a John Wiley Co., 2002