May be you are stuck because you are pushing a door that says pull.

Posted on November 21, 2019 by Reva Banka, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

There is a popular saying in India about marriage that means, “marriage is that tricky union that unmarried people are lured to, while married people find themselves jaded of over the period.”

Studies show that many young Americans are choosing not to get married. The increase in number has been significant in last decade based upon a Time.com report. The report says, about 25% of millennials do not want to get married. Surprisingly, in the same report Time says, “the one number that hasn’t really budged is the percentage of 64 year olds who have never been married. In 1960, it was 8% and in 2012, it was 7%.”

National Center for Health Statics says, marriage rate in USA is : 6.9 per 1,000 total population, while divorce rate is : 3.2 per 1,000 population.

Considering above data and seeing the ratio of marriage and divorce numbers, it is obvious that majority of grown ups get married, however almost half of them end up with a divorce. What happens that such a beautiful and wishful relationship result into a broken one, more than often? Why so many find themselves stuck and want a way out? Could it be that they are pushing a door that says pull? Yes, yes and yes.

When you consciously choose to get into the wedlock, you can make it a happy and fulfilling journey too. Just need a little tweaking.

Get married to yourself – Yes, first things first. Get married to yourself. By doing this you are going to do everything [almost] you want/expect from your marriage for yourself. This sets up the expectations right and realistic. If you can not give that love and care to yourself, you can not expect it from your spouse.

Interdependence – Experts say that marriage should be a union of two independent pillars, both supporting the marriage standing strong, not leaning on each other. I say, independence is little over rated when it comes to marriage. Create interdependence. When your focus is independence, you give a lot of priority to yourself and your needs. In that course, automatically you start to lose your space in your spouse’s life. Get interested, to become interesting. Small gestures like asking for inputs and suggestions and doing that in return will keep the conversation going and keep your relationship evolving.

Partners in crime – Couples who sleep together and wake up together are more likely to achieve their personal as well as professional goals. When in a marriage you do not want to create a push and pull situation. Another words, avoid tug of war. When you get involved with your spouse’ life, their routine, you would have a real time idea about what is going on at home, with your spouse, their career, their health, with kids[if there are any] etc. I have seen so many couples with both of their calendars over booked. They both are striving hard to achieve their dreams, goals, happiness. Everyday they are rushing from morning and reach to bed exhausted with the to do list for next day. With all the hard work they are still struggling for a deserving career and enjoyable personal life. Put your marriage to use couples! Two can be a company do not forget that. When you get involved with your spouse’ everyday life, you would know the strengths and weakness of your company, that will help you set up more realistic goals and you will be more likely to achieve those. Think about it, how likely are you to deliver that moving keynote speech, when you and partner have been at tug of war at home. Sometimes it may seem like that you have to compromise with your goals or other personal agendas, but if you look at it logically, without your spouse’ support you won’t be able to make that long run for very long anyway. While if you are setting up mutual goals, you are most likely going to meet those consistently.

Be the sunshine to the sunflower – There is a fine line between creating dependence on you as someone who gives validation and someone who is the witness of their brilliance. Do not be that person that your spouse avoids because they do not want you to tell them what are they doing wrong or how can they do better. Studies show that acknowledgements are just the right tool to encourage and support. Trust me, if you would not be paying attention to what is your spouse doing wrong and how they can improve, it is not going to hurt anything. It will not turn them into a lousy person. However if you can act as their cheer leader that can definitely have them look forward to talk to you and be with you. Acknowledgements can help them get better at what they are good at. Like the experts say, “what you focus on expands .” Be the sunshine that your sunflower can bloom.

Feed it – Relationships are living thing. Like all other living things, healthy relations need ongoing care. When you allow the change to take place, it will grow your marriage stronger. Serve it with conscious care. There is not one time fix formula that can serve forever. It is everyday that you look into your marriage and make sure it is looking healthy. Wise men say, charity begins at home. Find out your spouse’ need and volunteer to support them. If you are environment conscious, remember to keep a tab on your home environment. Get them talk about themselves that will keep you ahead in the game. Small everyday acts like these will keep your marriage flourishing and fragrant of love and joy.

Last but not the least tab these 5 each wedding anniversary religiously to keep your marriage desired and alive:

Growth – reflect and see if you grew together and how did you grow.
Learning – what important life-lessons did you learn that can help your marriage.
Healing – how did you forgive and let go of [of,course about your spouse]
Courage – how were you brave in setting up realistic goals.
Love – notice some ways that you made your spouse feel loved and some ways that you felt in love with your marriage.