How to Obliterate Codependent Resentment
Posted on September 13, 2019 by Chuck McKay, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Nice job avoiding telling people what you want and then getting angry at them for not providing it.
Here’s a fun story. My wife, my daughter, and I went camping over the weekend. I am in charge of packing because my wife is under five feet tall and cannot reach most of the car. She also lives with Better Safe Than Sorry Disease. When it comes to camping, the disease manifests in the phrase “might as well bring it, just in case.” She will utter this phrase about any random object you put in front of her. Vegetable steamer, winter boots, extra six-person tent, board games, last year’s Halloween costumes – no matter what, she can imagine a scenario in which we might wish we had it. This strains me considerably, because I’m the one who gets to figure out how to make it all fit in the Subaru for the ride home while the rest of my family enjoys a relatively relaxing morning taking selfies with chipmunks or whatever the hell they’re doing while I sweat and curse and writhe around in a vat of resentment and anger.
One common feature of co-dependency is a pattern of resenting others for not giving you what you never asked them for. I resent my family for not showing more appreciation or acknowledgement of my sacrifice. The fact that they never asked me to make said sacrifice somehow eludes my awareness. Same for the fact that I could ask for their help or attention or a high five for my efforts now and then. Knowing what it would mean to hear the words, “I know this adds some stress for you” — as in “I know this adds some stress for you, but I’d like to also bring the Keurig” — does not result in me simply asking to hear those words. I get caught in the trap of “she should just know” or “it’s obvious.” As a therapist and coach I have seen these words doom other relationships. In my own life I’ve seen them doom what otherwise might have been a pleasant ride home from Pine Grove Wilderness Camping Resort and Fireworks Emporium, LLC.
In order for your relationship and career to thrive, you have to thrive. Part of that is speaking up for yourself. To grow requires taking responsibility for our own needs. In relationships we offer others the opportunity to help us meet these needs, and vice-versa. Sometimes we need help figuring out what our needs are. There are folks out there who have skill in these areas. If only there was some way to find a person like that….
Lots of people feel confused about the difference between codependency and inter-dependency. The word “codependency” originated to describe people who were addicted to addicts — dependent upon propping up an alcoholic in a way that met some unstated emotional need. If you have never been in a relationship that didn’t involve you taking responsibility for things that should not be your responsibility, you might be a “codependent.”
Inter-dependency, on the other hand, is a healthy give-and-take of relying on each other for support. Transactions are explicitly stated and agreed upon. I coach you and you give me cash. I rub your back and you tell me I’m beautiful.
Resentment in relationships, be they in the workplace or the home, almost always grows in the soil of secret, unauthorized transactions imposed upon someone without their knowledge or consent. In other words: Don’t expect love for packing the Subaru unless you’ve a) asked for it, and b) received an explicit agreement to comply with that request.
