Sorry/Not Sorry: When to Apologize at Work

Posted on September 09, 2019 by Gina DeRosa, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less. – C. S. Lewis

For a short week, this felt like a long one to me. Primarily, my heart and mind have been with the residents (and visitors) of the Bahamas, Florida, North Carolina, and other areas devastated by Hurricane Dorian. (I donated to World Central Kitchen, a neat organization I learned about in a Washington Post article. Check out my website’s blog for a direct link to the article.)

In the context of such life-altering events, I can’t help but feel silly writing a blog post about stuff that happens at work. If I was blogging in my past as a social work “martyr,” I wouldn’t have disclosed my donation to the relief efforts, and if I didn’t skip a week’s post as a proverbial moment of silence for the survivors and victims, I would have apologized profusely for stealing your time away from the revolving news reels. Today, while I’m not quite ready to declare, “I’m a changed woman! Hear me Roooaaar!” I can say that I have come a long way – personally and professionally – with not apologizing for everything I do (or don’t do) that could potentially be perceived negatively by others.

Unless you work only with robots (which sounds like a cool job, btw), chances are that in your daily interactions with people at work, you experience AND contribute to the imbalance of humility (a.k.a. being humble). A part of this is apologizing when you do or say something incorrect or harmful to someone else, but people still seem to get this backwards.

“Hector sent an email to his boss’s leader asking if the leader is able to attend an important meeting next week. In the email, Hector over-explained the reason the leader’s attendance is requested and apologized for the outreach, acknowledging the leader’s chronically busy schedule. The leader saw Hector in the hallway later that day, thanked him for the email and told Hector not to apologize…and then Hector apologized for apologizing!”

Do you find yourself, like Hector, over-apologizing or mis-apologizing at work?

“Martha is a higher-level leader who attends a meeting with leaders from several other departments. In the meeting, she interrupts people when they’re talking, raises her voice, accuses other teams of making mistakes, and exhibits other negative behaviors. The one thing she never does? Apologize when she is wrong or disrespectful.”

Do you interact with people at work who, like Martha, under-apologize?

Now, let’s flip those questions a bit:
– Do you find yourself to be a recipient of over-apologizing or mis-apologizing at work?
– Do you interact with people at work who think that you under-apologize?

Unless you are the aforementioned peer who works with robots only, I’m going rogue with the assumption that you answered affirmatively to at least one of those four questions. If you want to balance your humility at work so that you are neither flower nor beast, here are a few quick steps you can take to keep your apologies in check:

1) Get feedback. One of the best ways to gain awareness of your own behaviors is by asking others for feedback. For example, ask your cubicle neighbors to preview drafted emails or to keep a tally of your sorries. [However, according to Captain Obvious, “Feedback only works if you implement it!”]

2) Get mindfulness. The main ingredient in humble pie is awareness, and it starts with paying attention to your thoughts/feelings/behaviors. For example, take time to think about responses in emails and live conversations, especially the triggers for your typical over-/mis-/under-apologizing habits.

3) Get coaching. It helps to process funky stuff like this with an objective, supportive, non-judgmental coach – like me! ;) Of course, I’m not your only option. What’s most important to me is that you get to experience the value of coaching, period. (I’m happy to chat with you about all of your options.)

Finding the balance with apologizing is an ongoing task, but one that’s rewarding and requires little effort. Whether you’re a Hector or a Martha, always keep in mind that humility is the secret sauce to positive relationships at work as much as it is in our personal lives. As Hurricane Dorian serves as a humbling reminder of all that we take for granted, keep in mind that we must value and invest in each of our relationships because they have the potential to pave the road to life-altering opportunities.

Good luck!
- G

#sorrynotsorry #humility #secretsauce #getcoaching #workinprogress #seeGseeYou

P.S. While writing this blog post: #truestory

(Scene: Breakfast at home. Coach G eating at computer.)

Coach G: “I’m writing my blog post right now – apologies.”
Hubs: “No worries.”
Coach G: “…which is funny, because my post is about apologies.”
Hubs: “Ah.”

We’re all a work in progress!