Defence 101
Posted on August 07, 2019 by Charlotte Haggie, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
What do you do when your buttons are pushed? Do you lash out or sulk? What does it feel like to react? This article explores our defence mechanisms
Silence. That used to be my defense mechanism. Whenever I was told that I was being too loud or talking too much, I would think ‘Fine, I won’t talk at all’ and would go silent.
I want you to take a moment to think about what you do when you need to defend yourself. What happens to you when you feel a nerve has been touched? Do you lash out in anger? Do you simmer with rage? Do you go silent like me?
We all have a defense mechanism in how we respond to protect ourselves. But we generally don’t know that this is what we are doing. A lot of people term themselves ‘emotional people’ or ‘unemotional people’ depending on their reactions. I think that some people even excuse their defense with the thought ‘I shout and scream like that because I am an emotional person’.
But one of the wonderful lessons I have learnt recently is the notion that we are not our emotions. And our emotions are not part of our identity. Gosh, what a revelation that was for me. So you mean I am not actually a sulky, miserable old cow when I don’t get my way or don’t get listened to? Well, no…that is just the defense that I put up when I feel like my trigger has been activated. And my trigger is the need to be seen, the need to be recognized. And so I get louder and louder and more talkative to try to be seen. AND THEN I GET TOLD TO BE QUIET….I mean come on, wouldn’t you also turn around and sulk?!!!!
So if that constriction that occurs in my chest when I feel I am not being seen is not part of my identity, then what? Well, it has become a habit for so long that it feels like it is. And what I found myself doing was trying to push this negative constriction down and away so that it didn’t hurt so much and so that I didn’t react in the way that, to be honest, for 37 years has actually not got me very far!
It’s a bit like another habit I used to have, that of reaching for something to eat every time I felt ‘emotional’. As a result of this habit, I used to weigh 20kgs more than I do now. So how did I change that particular habit? I became aware of the fact that I ate when I was bored, sad, lonely, irritated or frustrated. And then I tried to do something else instead of eat. I tried to actually take a look at what was making me feel that way. I started to become a little bit curious!
And so I became curious about my silence and sulking too. I recognized that by pushing the feelings of not being seen down, they were actually dragging me along the pavement. I was finding myself scratched and bruised and embarrassed as I bumped along, holding on tighter to my feelings the more I tried to push them away.
As mentioned, I realized that this was doing me no good and I just found myself feeling more hurt and more ‘unseen’. So, once again, I chose curiosity. I noticed when I felt that constriction in my chest. And instead of letting it control me as it pulled me along, I started to have a look at it each time it came up. I loosened my grip on it. I thought ‘I wonder what I could do with this that would be more productive than just being taken along on its ride?’
As I have done this each time a constriction has come up for me, I believe I have been able to grow my artillery in my defense. I have been able to pause, to take time to be curious, to look at the emotion that is rising up inside me and to remember that I am not my emotions. I can let them hijack me and I can run out all guns blazing. Or I can see them, respect them and then choose what to do about them.
I find that I am becoming a little bit more emotionally intelligent as I have taken a look at my defense and realized that it is not very strong and that its protection is actually turning against me. As I have let my sulky, silent armour fall, I have become more aware of other’s reactions and of what they might need from me. I believe that I have become a little less self-concerned as I haven’t needed to protect myself so much but have rather been able to run onto the battlefield and help others who are hurting, who are bruised and raw from being dragged and thrown about by their defense mechanisms.
And so today, I invite you to be curious about what your defense artillery is. Does it serve you or does it leave you hijacked and unable to choose how you react? What would it be like if you could respond differently? How would that change your relationships both with others and with yourself?
