Relationships and each stages.

Posted on April 26, 2019 by catherine Desinai-Allouis, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Relationships follow a stage. Some person negotiates them easily, but the pains of any relationship can bring traumatic issues for individuals. Our early childhood influences our ability to allow changes.

Stages and Challenges in Relationship

The first – Symbiosis.
This occurs at the beginning of a relationship. Both partners are exploring the possibilities of compatibility and creating a life together. This is where couples are creating a sense of “togetherness” by bonding over the similarities they have. This is the stage, we fall in love, explore the possibilities and dreams of a relationship, we share our thoughts and feelings. During this step, the partners have a sense, that they have found the person who fits. There is no demand for change and differences are overlooked. There is a mutual give and take, nurturing the relationship and giving attention to each other’s needs. When both partners feel that the other has nurtured them, a good foundation is established to develop into the next phases of a relationship. One of the problems and difficulties that arise at this stage, is the fact that the relationship contains some projection and fantasy about each other. When individuals come into a partnership with a strong desire to find someone to ‘fix’ their wounds, or ease their anxiety of being alone the symbiotic fantasy can obscure incompatibility and unresolved personal issues. This makes transitioning into the next stages very difficult.
The second stage – Differentiation.
Both partners become aware of their differences. Disappointment is experienced as this is a time, the couple begins to live their everyday life with each other and conflict arises. The difference will begin to arise after a commitment has occurred such as the first year of marriage or when partners move in together. There is a focus on the relationship and how they are different from the other. Each partner is developing self-definition through identifying their uniqueness. Negotiating differences is an important challenge at this time, as the couple develops their skills to deal with conflict. Some individuals cannot tolerate conflict or being disillusioned and will abruptly leave the relationship in search of the next. This is one of the most important challenges to relationships – coming to terms with our differences and supporting each other’s needs even when we don’t agree, or they don’t do things the way we do.
Most difficulties in relationships occur in these first two stages. There is a couple who will avoid conflict by attempting to anticipate every mood and need each other has. Relationships are based on mind-reading and indirect communication. There is a lot of fear in the relationship, fear of separation, or needs not being met. When boundaries are not clear hostility and dependency can occur. They cannot separate and resolve their differences. In this situation, there is a lot of blame for not meeting their needs and often the conflict escalates into arguing. There is a constant attack in an effort to get the other to change and create symbiosis.
The third stage – Practicing.
The individuals have a firm foundation in the couple relationship and take time to explore their individual pursuits and development. Partners become focused on themselves, career, school, activities, separate friends. The relationship provides a safe haven to return to after being out in the world. The couple is challenged to maintain the relationship bond while they learn to support each other’s individual pursuits.
There are a number of ways that difficulties arise at this stage. If partners are threatened by separation, they may try to control each other. One partner is relationship focused and the other needs more separateness. The practicing stage can be a way to avoid difference, by going outside the relationship as a way of not dealing with their differences and to become two people leading separate lives.
Sometimes couples will meet when they are focused on self-development and forming a strong bond or togetherness is missed. It is not unusual for these couples to live apart for many years and maintain a ‘dating’ status. Long distant relationships can also be an expression of fears of getting close to someone and about the partners need to maintain a separation.
Fourth stage – Rapprochement.
This means a reestablishing of intimacy. At this time when partners have established a stronger sense of themselves and separate identity, they can develop a deeper intimacy between them. There is a balance of connection and separation, a coming and going in the relationship. An increased need for intimacy can be interpreted as having to sacrifice one’s self for the relationship for the partner who has not moved on from practicing. The partner who wants more contact and intimacy may feel frustrated and unsatisfied in the relationship. Negotiating their differences is usually easier at this stage because they have learnt to negotiate differences earlier and have developed their style of conflict resolution. At this point, the couple engages in shared projects or causes.
Fifth stage – Mutual Interdependence.
The couple is continuing to learn about giving to each other and the relationship is based on supporting each other’s growth rather than need. There is a strong foundation that provides constancy.
Each couple will find particular challenges depending on who they are, childhood issues and the circumstances of life that trigger responses to each other. Problems between couples arise when stages are skipped or there is a difficulty moving from one to the next.