A Recovering People-Pleaser's Guide to Good Sex
Posted on April 16, 2019 by Helen Snape, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
If you thought it was all about being a 'good lover' and focusing on the other person, you would be wrong.
In episode 6 of Sex Education (a fantastic Netflix series on teenagers, sex and sexuality, even if the series is very confused in its transatlantic cultural identity) Aimee goes to see the teenage sexpert Otis for advice after she tries having sex with her boyfriend Steve during which he says “It feels like you’re performing. Tell me what you want.” She admits to Otis that she is always faking it in sex.
He asks her what she does like. Aimee’s reply is “I don’t know what I want. No-one’s ever asked me that before.”
This made me think about one important aspect of recovering from people-pleasing, one that isn’t so often mentioned. As you go on the journey of recovery, sex can get better.
To someone that is always focused on others needs, this seems contradictory. How can sex get better if I stop thinking about what the other person wants and focus on myself?
Ok, lots of reasons. Below are a few to get you thinking.
Well, for a start, most people, when they have sex, want their partner to enjoy the experience too. Doh. You want your partner to be having a good time, right? Hopefully your partner feels the same way. It’s a turn-on itself when you see that your partner is having a good time.
A people-pleaser likes to do the giving. They aren’t used to receiving. Remember though that your partner wants to give pleasure as well as take it. That’s part of the fun. That’s not to say that sometimes it isn’t fun to make one time all about them and one time all about you. Just mix it up a bit.
Now, in order for them to give you pleasure, they need to know what you like. How will they know what you like if you don’t know?
So, if you don’t know, find out. Go practice your brains out if you like. Have fun with it. Don’t even have a goal in mind. Just figure out what you enjoy. When you know how to give yourself pleasure it will open up the way to receive pleasure from someone else.
Take responsibility for your own pleasure on your own. Then, when you are having sex with your partner, you can still take responsibility for your own arousal and pleasure whilst staying connected with them and theirs.
And don’t settle for bad sex. If you keep saying Yes to bad sex, you are limiting your opportunities for good sex. Good sex is wild, spontaneous, authentic and intimate. Have good sex with yourself in the meantime!
As you continue your journey of recovery, spend more time being yourself and growing in your self-confidence, your attractiveness grows. Your energy changes and people notice that on some level.
I will tell you a secret. Self-confidence is as sexy as f***.
So, if you have been delaying making changes to your life to stop people-pleasing, here is a strong argument to get started.
Mind-blowing sex awaits.
