Coming Out At Work: Learning To Love And Daring To Share Your True Self

Posted on March 03, 2019 by Michael Schreiber, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Coming Out at Work — Is Now The Right Time?

People perform better and are more engaged when they can be themselves at work — out and proud — yet a recent report from the HRC Foundation finds that as many as half of LGBTQ employees in the United States remain closeted at work (1). At the same time, a record-breaking 609 companies earned top marks from the HRC Foundation’s Corporate Equality Index in 2018, up from 517 companies in 2017 (2). Given this trend, is now the right time for you to come out at work?

We spend most of our waking lives at work, so it is only natural we would prefer to be our authentic selves there. But is coming out at work safe? How comfortable at work will you be after coming out? Should you fear reactions from colleagues after you come out? What are the legal risks of coming out at work? How much of your LGBTQ identity should you share at work? What are some common coming out myths? Where can you get support during the coming out process?

Read on to find out whether coming out at work might be a good decision for you!

Learning to Love Your True Self

Before figuring out whether now is the right time for you to come out at work, you need to lay a solid foundation of self-love and self-acceptance. If you cannot love and accept yourself for exactly who you are, sexuality and all, then it would be foolish to expect yourself to be able to make a convincing case that others should accept you. Know that if you come across as meek and ashamed when talking about your sexuality, you prime your colleagues to have negative thoughts about you they otherwise might never have had.

1) Recognize that feelings of brokenness, otherness, and alienation are common, and that you are not alone.

For many LGBT professionals, it is all too common to feel like you are “wearing a mask” at work, which can be a barrier to friendship, networking, and emotional connection with colleagues, leaving you feeling isolated. Censoring your behaviors, comments, and even simple things like how you describe what you did last weekend take a cognitive toll that leaves you with fewer resources to do your best work, which in turn lowers your self-confidence and reduces your creativity. This toxic, vicious cycle does psychological harm to many gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans professionals, and likely contributes to the high unemployment statistics observed among LGBT individuals.

Take solace in knowing that you are not alone in these feelings of otherness and isolation, and have hope knowing that there are alternatives to withdrawing, disengaging, and leaving the workplace.

2) Recognize that your sexuality doesn’t need to define who you are — Only you can do that!

Internalized homophobia can make our sexuality feel like it has a dominating role in defining who we are, but when we allow our fears to define who we are, rather than our dreams and our ambitions, we are limiting ourselves and playing small. It pays to remember, as George Addair once said, “Everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” You are so much more than just your sexuality and your gender identity, important as they may be to you. Make sure you notice everything else you bring to the table.

Don’t allow your creativity and talent to be limited by your gender expression or sexuality — keep your focus where it belongs, on doing your best work, and not on your own ego and personal limitations.

3) Accept that you did not choose your desires; you only have control over how you act on them.

If you didn’t choose your sexuality, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you choose to express your sexuality in a loving, life-affirming way that is emotionally and spiritually enriching to yourself and to others, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. Just because other people might view same-sex relationships or expressing an alternative gender identity to be immoral, that doesn’t mean you have to agree and judge yourself negatively.

4) Surround yourself with love and support from people who accept you as you really are.

Seek out allies at work — if there are any colleagues at work who are already out themselves, or who have talked favorably of LGBTQ friends or family members, you might choose to come out to these individuals first and ask them for tips and advice on how to come out to the rest of your colleagues. Many progressive corporations have LGBT Employee Resource Groups (ERGs), mentorship programs, and other co-ordinated resources to support you in being out at work.

Consider seeking outside help with designing your coming out process if you are feeling particularly fearful or stuck — if you think you’d benefit from the support of a professional as you design your process for coming out, LGBTQ-friendly, lifestyle-affirming coaches, therapists, and counselors and can be an excellent resource.

For example, yours truly (Michael Schreiber, of Joining Hands Coaching) is an LGBT success coach who helps high-performing LGBTQ professionals and executives overcome feelings of shame and self-doubt to get more of what they really want in life.

However, if you are dealing with mental health issues related to your sexuality or gender expression that are interfering with your ability to come out at work, you would be best served by speaking to a counselor or therapist before working with a coach. The National Alliance on Mental Illness makes mental health resources for LGBTQ individuals available.

Daring to Share Your True Self at Work

Once you have found the strength to love and accept yourself, and be proud of your sexuality and gender expression, you can start to think more carefully about how you want to show up at work, and what “being yourself” at work really means to you.

1) Decide what authenticity means for you in different social contexts.

First off, an often overlooked fact is that having different persona that you choose express in different social contexts is not “inauthentic,” but is in fact quite normal.

You don’t have to feel guilty about “toning it down a little” at work — most people are somewhat more relaxed when they are home and don’t need to worry about how professional their colleagues are perceiving them to be. Indeed, a study from the Deloitte University Leadership Center for Inclusion “indicates widespread instances of ‘covering,’ the process by which individuals downplay their differences relative to mainstream perceptions, in ways costly to their productivity and sense of self at work. Three out of four (75 percent) of research participants state that they have covered their identity; and, surprisingly, half (50 percent) of straight white male respondents report hiding their authentic selves on the job” [italics added] (4).

Keeping this in mind, it’s important to remember that you get to choose how much of yourself you share with another person; no one is entitled to full access to you but you! The key is to be proud to be who you are, even if exactly who that person is shifts a bit from one context to another.

2) Remember that it is OK to set boundaries.

Work colleagues may express inappropriate interest in your sexual habits, simply because that which is unfamiliar naturally inspires curiosity. However, just because your colleagues are curious about what you do in the bedroom does not mean they have any right to know! You can maintain your boundaries without seeming confrontational or evasive by providing an empathetic reason why you are unwilling to talk about sexual matters: “Sorry, that’s just not something I talk about with friends, because my partner and I value our privacy.”

Some work colleagues may be all too eager to “accept” your sexuality, but if they’re suddenly asking you to go shopping with them and treating you like their Gay Best Friend, that might not feel ingenuous to you, particularly if you don’t feel so aligned with popular gay stereotypes. There’s no point in coming out if it doesn’t result in you getting to be yourself — so don’t allow yourself to be typecast as the stylish, non-threatening, gossipy colleague who no one quite takes seriously. It’s okay to decline roleplaying the Gay Best Friend if that isn’t a type of relationship you want: “Thanks for the invite, and I really appreciate your support, but shopping isn’t really my thing!” is a perfectly acceptable response.

Similarly, some colleagues may not use correct terms or may expect you to speak for all LGBTQ individuals; generally, it is more constructive to assume positive intent when your colleagues make incorrect assumptions, and to politely educate them rather than harshly criticize. It is worth noting that you are under no obligation to be an ambassador for all LGBTQ people if that role doesn’t fit you, and you can be very clear that you speak only for yourself when you discuss your personal life experiences and expression of your gender identity and sexuality.

Be clear with yourself on what you are and are not willing to discuss at work, and hold yourself accountable for maintaining these boundaries.

3) Think about how direct you want to be when you come out.

The Direct Approach — More validating, more at stake

The direct approach to coming out is pretty simple on the surface: Simply blurting out “I’m gay” does the trick. Of course, it isn’t really quite so simple.

Many straight colleagues, particularly at more traditional firms, still hold the view that is is inappropriate to discuss non-traditional sexualities in the workplace. Dishearteningly, as many as “59 percent of non-LGBTQ workers surveyed by the HRC Foundation in a range of workplace sectors say they think it’s unprofessional to talk about sexual orientation and gender identity in the workplace, even though by their own self-reporting they regularly talk about these subjects through everyday conversations about spouses, families and life outside of work” (1).

Based on the HRC’s survey results, it may be more appropriate to take the direct approach only with the key decision makers at your company who have a say in evaluating your performance and seeing to it that you remain gainfully employed: Who do you really need to know about your sexuality, and why is that important to you?

Your natural desire to seek validation, reassurance, and guarantees of job security might lead you to choose to come out more directly to your boss or to HR staff.

Before coming out directly to others, it is wise to read the room — Are other employees at the company out at work? How are they treated? Do many colleagues make derogatory comments or jokes directed at LGBT people? How are such comments received? If the answers to these questions suggest your corporate culture is fairly tolerant, you may have far better results with the direct approach than survey results would suggest.

The Indirect Approach — Less confrontational, more chances for awkwardness

When you take the indirect approach to coming out at work, you choose to let your colleagues discover your sexuality organically over the natural course of friendly social interaction. This involves consciously disinhibiting from telling the truth about your personal life, and no longer swapping pronouns and telling white lies that imply you are straight.

The advantage here is you don’t have to explicitly tell anyone about your sexuality; you can simply choose to be transparent when you are asked questions about your personal life, or to put a photo of your partner on your desk, just as your straight colleagues would.

For example, you might choose to answer a question such as, “How was your weekend?” by talking about the amazing hike you went on with your same-sex partner without swapping any pronouns — if you don’t make a big deal out of the fact that your partner shares your gender, you are priming your colleague not to see it as much of a big deal either.

Remember, you don’t really have anything to be ashamed of, so there’s nothing to hide.

3) Game out how you will handle intolerance and rejection.

The best thing you can do to prepare yourself for invalidating and insensitive remarks from intolerant colleagues is to strive to be less sensitive to how others perceive you. Another useful skill to employ here is mental simulation — walk through in your mind what you would do and say if specific people made the types of comments you’re dreading. Knowing in advance what you’d do or say will make you less afraid to face negative, hurtful, or invalidating comments, because you will have already experienced their emotional impact in your mental simulations, and you’ll have simulated coming out just fine on the other side. Reminding yourself that the things you are anxious about aren’t likely to kill you is one thing, but simulating these feared scenarios in your head is far more convincing.

Try to take a more stoic approach to any homophobia or intolerance you do end up facing at work from people who are not decision-makers in your life; if their sentiments don’t affect your ability to perform your best and to be recognized for the excellence of your work, how much should they really matter to you? If someone chooses not to respect you for being open about who you are, then surely that’s ultimately their issue.

If the intolerant individual is in another department, perhaps you can simply avoid seeing that person in any social contexts that are not work related. If the individual is within your department or someone you must encounter regularly, have a conversation with your boss and/or with HR and express your concerns. If you are afraid of seeming confrontational in this exchange, you can choose to focus on your desire to be accommodated so you can do your best work, rather than focusing on blame and judgement directed at the individual who is expressing ignorance and intolerance towards you.

4) Recognize that coming out is a continual process, and not a one-time event.

After you come out to one colleague, you’ll need to be prepared to have the same conversation with others. Even if everyone finds out at once, you may still need to come out again to new hires or contractors. Are you prepared to face occasional conversations about your gender expression or sexual identity that might make you feel uncomfortable or invalidated? Would these interactions take more or less of an emotional toll on you than remaining in the closet now does?

5) Ensure you will be safe if something goes wrong.

Law. Future legislation may enshrine protections for LGBTQ professionals in our nation’s non-discrimination civil rights laws, but unfortunately, we are not yet there; currently, 26 states have “no explicit prohibitions for discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity in state law” (5). If you live on the West Coast or reside in New England, you may be in luck: Washington, Oregon, California, New York, Connecticut, New Jersey, Rhode Island, and the District of Columbia are among the places that do offer explicit workplace non-discrimination protection on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity.

HR Policies. Whereas the law may not protect your employment status as an LGBTQ professional, many corporations have human resources policies that do guarantee employment non-discrimination on the basis of gender expression or sexual orientation. If you are unsure of your companies non-discrimination policies, it would benefit you to do some research before you commit to coming out at work. It would also pay to look up how your company is rated on the HRC Corporate Equality Index (3).

Financial Sufficiency. If the worst-case scenario came to pass and coming out led to the termination of your employment, how long would you remain financially sufficient? How easily could you replace your lost income? Would you have friends and family to rely on for support while you re-establish yourself?

Backup plans. Make sure you know what you will do if you face harassment, hazing, discrimination, termination, or any other negative outcomes you can foresee arising from your coming out at work. Although it can be scary to confront our worst feared outcomes, having a plan for what you will do should each of them come to pass will give you a sense of control over the situation that ultimately may steady your nerves during the coming out process, allowing you remain powerful and confident no matter what happens.

Thanks for reading!

If there is anything more I can do to help you make coming out at work go smoothly, please don’t hesitate to get in touch — I love designing custom one-on-one coaching solutions for my clients, and I also offer seminars and group coaching on the topic of coming out at work.

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Certified Professional Coach Michael Schreiber, Ph.D. owns and operates Joining Hands Coaching, an internet-based life success coaching and relationship coaching practice. Michael’s passion is for helping gay men and other LGBTQ individuals navigate the difficult journey to self-love and self-acceptance as they strive to create successful lives and satisfying, fulfilling personal and professional relationships. Coaching sessions are available by phone and online.