Time to Spring-Clean the Cobwebs of Emotional Fear

Posted on January 18, 2019 by D W, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Happy New Year single ladies! This is a perfect time to spring-clean the cobwebs of emotional fear away. You know, the cobwebs wrapped around your beautiful minds and hearts. If you are over 30, have been single for a while, and are giving up on finding love, there are most likely a lot of those cobwebs gathering dust and sticking to you. And the longer you’ve been waiting, the more cobwebs there are, and the harder it becomes to break out.

Don’t believe me? Ask yourself, do I have frequent thoughts that are holding me back from being available for love? I think you already know the answer. But let’s make it real: If you were suddenly asked on a date by a sincere, great guy, would you think “Yeah, that’s fantastic! Let’s do this!” Or would you think “Oh, crap, why is he asking me?” … closely followed by “If I do this, it’s going to be scary – he’ll see through me. He won’t like me!”

If you are having this reaction, it’s because somewhere in that dusty corner of your mind is a little voice repeating something like “I am unattractive,” or “I am no good at relationships.” Maybe it tells you “I have nothing to offer,” or “I haven’t accomplished anything.” Or even: “I hate myself.”

Growing from this little little seed of self-loathing is a whole string of made up stuff that confirms our worst suspicions. Thoughts like “men aren’t interested in me,” or “men only want the kind of woman that is younger, slimmer, fitter, more tanned, sexier, wealthier, with better hair, whatever, not like me.” These are distorted assumptions based on fear, they are NOT TRUE, and it is important for the future of your emotional life that you start to get this immediately! You my friend, are beautiful, inside and out! And don’t you dare forget it!

If this is you my friend, we need to get into that dusty brain with a Dyson and get to work! I’m not kidding. Let’s clean that debris out, are you willing? Are you at least curious? Of course you are – who wants to stay in the negative? Not you!

I know it’s not easy. I know those thoughts are keeping you feeling safe. I do. Because every time you tell yourself “I am not good enough,” then you can avoid dating and relationships and will never have to risk awful things like being rejected, having unsuccessful dates, and getting your heart broken. Or getting into a relationship with another man that ends up treating you badly. It’s the kind of icky stuff that you’ve had before, and you don’t want to be hurt by it again. And I completely understand that.

But here you are, lonely, and I’m guessing not happy, or at least not really fulfilled. So where to begin?

I know exactly where. I’m going to give you three things to do right away to get those dusty wheels turning. Get started today, that’s an order! Or at least a firm, compassionate request ;)

1. Connect with other people to talk about how much you put yourself down for heaven’s sake! Get it out there! Those negative thoughts are so much more powerful when we don’t expose them. So air them out, shine a light into those cobwebs of emotional fear and avoidance, and make them diminish. Talk with friends. Join a group, mingle, chat, don’t be alone. Because you are not alone! You can try one or two other single women and ask if they want to talk about it. Deep breath. You can do this.

2. Start to work on your self. You need to change this stuff that is holding you back from being available for the relationship you really want. Join (or form) a group, go to talks, follow a blog like mine, “The Goddess Within,” do a workshop, and start owning what you want. You don’t have to aim for the stars to begin with, just toss your poor self-image, and replace it with a really good mental picture of you at your best! From there you can add in your goals – “I would like to have a partner,” or maybe just “I would like to risk dating again.” These thoughts will return sooner than you think.

3. Specific mantras are not for everyone, but I do recommend positive self-talk as often as you can. It helps to spring-clean the negative talk away. Here’s how:

• Make a point of catching the moment when you are critical of yourself.
• Identify the negative thought you are having e.g. “I am not good looking enough.”
• Turn it around by stating the reverse to yourself while looking in a full-length mirror. Say, “I am beautiful. I am so attractive it radiates out of me. I am f***ing gorgeous!” Have fun with it! If you don’t believe it, tell yourself not to take yourself so seriously, and do it anyway! Say “I am a Goddess!” That’s right girl. You are. I know you are, and I know that you can believe it too.

Let me know how this goes for you, OK? Send me your thoughts or comments. If you are challenged, or freaked out, or even pissed off, let me know and we will go deeper in a later blog post!
Thinking of you and sending warm hugs <3
XO Duncan
The Gentleman Coach for Women
duncan@thegentlemancoach.com
www.thegentlemancoach.com
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