SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

Posted on October 07, 2018 by Sydney Ceruto, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Let me set you straight: With the exception of at the altar, or during sex, there’s no wrong time to break up with someone. Everyone feels pressure to pick the “right” time, or even a good time. There isn’t one. I once went round and round with a colleague over whether it was better to break up with someone right before the work week (they’d have to face people at work, but at least they could stay busy) or whether it was better to do it before the weekend (you’d ruin their weekend, but at least they could be at home all day). And if you’re long-distance, is it worse to break up over the phone, or to fly out and end things with someone who is really excited to see you?

There’s no magical time when your partner is going to like being broken up with. Within reason (e.g., don’t call them at work or tell them while you guys visit their parent in the hospital), once you decide you want to break up, your best bet is as soon as possible.

There is no point in a relationship that is either too soon or too late to end things. You aren’t in too deep, no matter how long it has been, and no matter how many big steps you’ve taken together or pieces of furniture you co-own.

Until you two are married with kids, you can leave at any time. You can leave even if you’ve only been dating for a month. It’s very easy to convince yourself that you haven’t given someone a “fair chance,” but you probably have. Firstly, “a fair chance” is an arbitrary benchmark that no one can help you define, and also: You are not required to give anyone more of your time. It’s perfectly fine for a small moment to be a deal breaker, especially if that small moment points to the fact that this person is cruel or manipulative or disingenuous.

That being said, you don’t need a sign. You don’t need a moment. People often wait and wait for a singular instance to tip the scales and let them know in bright neon lights that This Is Not The One! That moment most likely will never come. There’s even a chance that you’ll break up with someone and never feel sure, for the rest of your life, that you shouldn’t have tried a bit harder or stayed longer. But you don’t need a reason to break up with someone; Wanting to break up with someone is reason enough.

None of this is to say that you should jump ship as soon as things get hard. It’s fine if things get hard, they just shouldn’t get bad. As the saying goes, the grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.

If you feel bored or restless in a relationship with a person you once loved, you might just need to work on the relationship. If you feel like the person you’re dating isn’t kind to you or other people, you need to leave. “Mean” isn’t worth working on. “Cruel” isn’t going to see the light and become a better partner. Jealous, accusatory, and volatile are fine to walk away from, in case you’re waiting for some divine sign of permission. You can address and fix behaviors, but you can’t change who people are.