20 Ways to Ruin Your Life

Posted on March 24, 2011 by Paul Strobl, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

With all the great ways to better your life out there, I decided to go the other way. There are many more ways to ruin your life, but these are my top twenty. Enjoy!

1. Keep a closed mind. Question nothing. Everything is fine the way it is. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, anyway.

2. Don’t listen. In relationships, what you have to say is always more important because you’re way smarter. When other people are talking their typical stupidity, interrupt them and set them straight.

3. Be right. All the time. Nothing else matters.

4. Don’t show negative emotions. Except anger. Anger is strength. Anger showcases your true power. Make sure they know you mean business.

5. Get yours. There is not enough of anything to go around. Step 1: Grab your piece of the pie any way you can, run to a dark, quiet corner, and shove it down your gullet as quickly as possible. Step 2: Go find more pie. Repeat.

6. Don’t love yourself. All that new age-y hippie crap never did anything for anyone anyway.

7. Blame everything and everyone on everything. You are not responsible—you are a product of a hostile world, and you’ve learned what it takes to survive.

8. Buy stuff you don’t need, smoke, do drugs, drink, overeat, watch T.V. all day…anything to fill that emptiness inside. Watching C.S.I. is a million times better than sitting alone listening to that jerky voice in your head.

9. Don’t get a pet. No need to screw up his life, too.

10. Don’t empathize. Not only could walking around in someone else’s shoes be uncomfortable, you could get a nasty fungus.

11. Be ungrateful. You deserve everything you have, and life owes you a whole hell of a lot more. Someday, your ship will come in. You’ll win the lottery, or some aunt you never heard of will leave you half a country in her will. Then everything will be better.

12. Try to change people. If you tell them in just the right way, they’ll change. Really!

13. Be unforgiving and hang on to grudges. Make them crawl back on their knees and beg to have you grace them with your presence.

14. Believe your negative self-talk. You’re not enough. They’re all going to laugh at you. You’ll never make it. Who are you kidding? You? Never!

15. If you are having marital problems, have a kid or buy a house. That’ll fix it.

16. Get the biggest house you can afford, the most expensive car, a fancy watch, and go out to eat as often as possible to show off your wardrobe. You are sure to impress both the waiter and the valet.

17. Be liked by everyone. Put on a happy face all the time. Always be polite. When anyone needs a favor, be the person who always comes through. Even at the expense of yourself and your family and friends.

18. Judge and criticize everyone you possibly can. Feed your prejudices. You’ll feel better about yourself that way. It will also make up for number 6.

19. Live a sedentary lifestyle. It’s all pre-determined by genetics anyway, so you’re screwed. Why make the effort?

20. Be dualistic. Everything is one thing or another. Conservative or Liberal. Smart like me or an idiot. Good or Bad. Right or Wrong. Black or White. There is no gray.

I hope this list helps to lead the worst life you possibly can. What are your favorites? What do you think is missing from this list?