WHY YOU WERE GHOSTED
Posted on September 09, 2018 by Sydney Ceruto, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
The psychology behind a new break-up method known as GHOSTING.
Breaking up (in person) is hard to do. While most people hope-and expect-that partners will grant them the courtesy of a face-to-face explanation of why they’re moving on, reality can be much messier. Instead, you may find your texts ignored, your calls unanswered, and your notifications tab empty. You’ve not only been dumped-youve been ghosted.
To “ghost” is to cut a romantic partner out of one’s life, ignoring all attempts at contacts, and leaving the ghosted to figure out they’ve been kicked to the curb. Breakups are rarely easy, but ghosting-which denies the opportunity for discussion and closure-can be as confusing as a painful blow.
Ghosting is far from new, but as dating grows faster, more convenient, and less personal, it’s on the rise. Around 20 percent of adults under 30 admit to having ghosted someone, while another 20 percent say they have been ghosted!
The impulse to simply disappear from an unsatisfying relationship has likely existed since the first Cro-Magnon couple shared a cave. But recent shifts in technology provide daters with the means to act on their desires with little social cost. By its very nature, ghosting leaves more questions than answers-providing fertile ground for psychologists like me to explore this ghoulish phenomenon. It turns out that not everyone is at equal risk of ghosting-or of being ghosted.
All of us hold certain theories of relationships. Some people believe in destiny-that we each have a soul mate waiting to sweep us off our feet. Others are less sure that ‘the one” exists; less romantic, they may be more willing to work on relationships.
If you believe your one and only is out there somewhere-and decide your current partner isn’t it-ghosting may seem like a viable option with minimal social cost. Destiny daters may also have little concern about harming or confusing an ex they likely won’t see again.
Indirect breakup methods-like dumping someone through email or text message-minimize confrontation and lessen the emotional difficulty for the person initiating the split. Ghosting is a more extreme type of indirect breakup, involving no confrontation at all. Research suggests that such impersonal strategies are favored by those who fear commitment and shun intimacy.
For most people, the uncertainties of dating-whether in person or via an app-are necessary risks in the search for a long term romantic partner. The possibility that their happily ever after might turn into a ghost story is unlikely to scare them away.
Either way, this new breakup method can hurt and leave you baffled and angry. I can help you successfully navigate your way through today’s new era of dating.
