CODEPENDENCY
Posted on August 19, 2018 by Sydney Ceruto, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Find your true self and stop being codependent.
Codependents often wonder what is normal. They feel insecure and wonder how others perceive them. Many tell me they don’t really know themselves. They’ve become people-pleasers, editing what they say and adapting their behavior to the feelings and needs of others. Some sacrifice themselves — their values, needs, wants, and feelings — to someone they care about. For other codependents their behavior revolves around their addiction, whether it’s to a drug, a process, such as sex or gambling, or to pursuing prestige or power in order to feel secure. They usually do so to the detriment of themselves and loved ones, and eventually their achievements feel meaningless.
Either type of codependent suffers from self-alienation — an alienation from their true self. This is the emptiness we feel when a relationship ends, success is achieved, or during withdrawal from an addiction. Hence, codependency is called a disease of a “lost self.”
Ideally, our true self emerges in the normal course of becoming an individual, called “individuation,” so that we’re able to identify our own feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, perceptions, and actions, as separate from our family and others. A dysfunctional family disrupts individuation to varying degrees. Because codependency is transgenerational, in childhood a “false” codependent self is formed.
Most codependents are in denial of this situation because for so long they’ve organized their thinking and behavior around something or someone external to themselves. Some codependents can’t identify their values or opinions on matters. They’re very suggestible and can be easily persuaded to do things they later regret. In a conflict, they can’t hold onto their views once they’re challenged. This makes relationships a minefield, especially with a partner who uses projection as a defense, or who blames them for his or her behavior. You may think that you’re being abused, but when you’re blamed, which abusers typically do, you become confused and doubt your own perceptions. You might end up apologizing for inciting an abuser’s rage.
This pattern MUST stop in order for you to be your authentic self. Reach out to me to get help. NYCLIFECOACH.COM
