Relationship Conflict and the Sources of Marital Success and Failure
Posted on May 12, 2018 by Dave Peters, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Evidence based observational research in marital success and failure according to John and Julie Gottman.
Research by marriage therapists John and Julie Gottman has managed to systematize marital conflict and predict marital success of failure with an unprecedented 91% accuracy. Besides the concept of the “Four Horsemen” (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling) which they say are often seen running wild in failing marriages, the Gottman’s have added several important conceptual pieces to the long sought after good marriage equation. I will briefly analyze the stages of relational conflict and the solutions in the following article.
First, “Harsh Startups.” Couples who fail begin harshly and it goes downhill from there. Successful couples use “I Phrases” like: “I would like” or “I want.” Couples who fail often start with “You Words” like “You didn’t take out the trash” or “You were supposed to…” The solution is to keep your eyes on your own paper and worry about yourself first. Focus on what YOU want, not what you want the other person to do. Try to bear in mind that your partner is an adult human being and often as not the parent of your children. That alone is worthy of fondness and respect no matter what happened later. Focus on the good and the future, not the bad and the past. The Golden Rule applies in this case as in all cases.
Second, “Flooding.” Couples who fail often become “flooded.” This occurs when your sympathetic nervous system activates while having a discussion with the wife. That is, you get nervous, with increased heart rate and blood pressure, sweating and all the rest. Flooding means that YOUR WIFE activates the “fight or flight” instinct in you. This is not good. The solution is to learn to control your biological reactions through breathing, relaxation, meditation, and ultimately biofeedback, for the partner to avoid triggering you, and to learn how to “soothe” both yourself and your partner.
Third, “Assume Good Intentions.” Couples who fail assume the other party is trying to hurt them. They are touchy, irritable, and bitchy. They carp and complain and turn any statement into a negative statement or even an attack. Couples who succeed assume good intentions form the other party. If a rude or even hurtful statement is made they will assume it was a joke and not become angry or flooded. The solution here is twofold. Number 1, the couple has to agree to assume good intentions in their partner. Number 2, the couple has to make a conscious attempt to behave in a way that justifies the assumption of good intentions.
Fourth, “Recognize and Accept Repair Attempts.” Couples who fail do not make or do not recognize “Repair Attempts” during a conflict. A good Repair Attempt occurs BEFORE your partner is flooded and good partners recognize the signs of flooding in their partner and always (or almost always) manage to interrupt the flooding before it happens. A light joke. A random memory. A quick hug. All of these and countless individual strategies can interrupt flooding in your partner. This works optimally when the partners are assuming good intentions and behaving in ways that support that assumption.
Fifth, “Avoid Negative Memories.” Couples who fail remember the past negatively. The solution is well known. As with assuming good intentions, assume the good of the past. We don’t have to forget the “bad” but if you want to move forward, you do have to FORGIVE and look forward to a brighter future.
Finally, this research has produced some general tips for approaching a successful marriage. Coaches and therapists can use cognitive restructuring, reframing, and mindfulness training to change your perceptions of your spouse in a positive direction. If you can see your spouse as strong, independent, and worthy of respect and you actually look for the positive, the contempt will melt away like snow in May. When you as the man demonstrate genuine affection for her feminine charms and show that you are a strong man worthy of respect who is able to handle her and her little “tests” then the cold snow will very soon not be the only thing melting.
