Gottman’s “Love Shack” and the Problem with Traditional Marriage Counseling

Posted on May 12, 2018 by Dave Peters, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

John and Julie Gottman have done some of the best work in the entire giant field of marriage counseling. They took hundreds and then thousands of couples into their “love shack” and observed them carefully using hidden cameras and two-way mirrors. No, it isn’t what you think and you won’t find any movies on pornhub. Sorry. Instead, the Love Shack is a nice, penthouse apartment with the common areas monitored where the behaviors and interaction of married couples are closely observed and scored. Sure it sounds creepy, until you appreciate that Gottman can predict 71% of the time when a couple is going to be divorced within 5 years just by watching them. Without a PhD in a social science I think it is hard for the casual reader to appreciate that number. This is absolutely an amazing, spectacular, unheard of number in any area of social science or psychology research. Think about it! By simply watching couples for a few minutes he could predict 8 out of 10 divorces!

But like the commercial says, that’s not all!

When they attach heart rate monitors to the married couple and observe them interacting that number shoots up to 91%! More than 9 out of 10 divorces can be predicted by the way the couple interacts and reacts to one another. Trust me dear reader, this is unprecedented. We don’t get predictions this accurate in carefully controlled multi-billion-dollar medical drug studies and nothing approaching 91% in social science research or psychology. A 10% correlation could be a groundbreaking finding in sociology, but 91%? That is astounding!

Something important is happening in that love lab and what is happening turns out to be highly damning of traditional marriage counseling which is all about “COMMUNICATION” and “CONFLICT MAINTENANCE.” Gottman points out that in traditional marriage counseling you will learn how to talk and talk and talk and talk. Then you will learn how to “argue effectively” and to practice “active listening.” That is, you sit there and pay attention while your wife screams at you. Your job is to SHUT UP AND LISTEN and then reflect back your wife’s pain until she understands that you care about her and she feels “safe.” Gottman points out that, surprisingly, this strategy works less than half the time. In fact, most couples are made WORSE by this type of marriage counseling!

Gottman managed to singlehandedly improve counseling success when he figured out the “Four Horseman” which I like to call: The Four Horseman of the Divorce Apocalypse.” If these are a regular part of your marriage, it means you are on the fast track to divorce:

1. Criticism: If you spend time nitpicking and criticizing your partner then the Trad MC’s (“Traditional Marriage Counselors”) say you should STOP.

2. Contempt: If you view everything your partner does or says with a derisive snort or an eye roll then the Trad MC’s say STOP.

3. Defensiveness: If you are defensive and take offense at whatever your partner says or does then MC’s say STOP.

4. Stonewalling: If you refuse to fight and engage the other partner who is railing against you then MC’s say STOP.

Let’s take those in turn:
1 + 2. Criticism and Contempt: First, observe that generally speaking these are FEMALE tactics in marriage because they work so well on men. Please also observe that the second two
3 + 4. Defensiveness and Stonewalling) are generally MALE tactics almost always in response to the female’s harping and carping, disrespect, and contempt.

In other words, in most cases, the “Four Horseman” signaling Divorce are Female Attack Patterns and Male Defensive Mechanisms against those attacks. The “solution” of traditional marriage counseling is even more interesting and clearly informed by the cultural Marxist, equality brush. They ignore the real solution and they completely ignore the fact that men and women experience relationships very differently (and if you think otherwise then you must hate women). The answer on which the MC’s agree really struck a nerve with me. They think the answer is to back off.

That is, MC’s basically tell the Wife: “Back off and stop being such a bitch.”

Then they tell the husband: “Stop Defending yourself from her attacks and talk and talk and talk instead!”

This is Marriage counseling summarized.

In case I was not clear, obviously Men being “Critical” or “Contemptuous” is NOT OK (and while it does occur in some relationships, numerous theories of masculinity, and observation suggest that Criticism and Contempt by a husband is less damaging to the relationship than a woman being Critical and/or Contemptuous. The damage done is also very different. When a man is critical he drives away the wife because she (rightly) sees him as a spoiled little boy. Strong men are affirming and when they are critical it is a statement, followed by the solution, and then the criticism is done. There is no nitpicking, whining, crying, or complaining. If there is, then he is not being a strong man and it repels the wife. His solution is not just to “stop” because he has been defeated or because the MC orders him to stop.

A man who is Critical and Contemptuous has a different solution. He needs to appreciate and love his wife and to accept his role as the man in the relationship which means he doesn’t get to be a spoiled little boy any more. In short, the solution depends on the man.

However, when a woman is Critical and Contemptuous it poisons the relationship because it slowly saps his masculinity away and along with it any sexual attraction she might have had. Women want to respect their men and be bonded to and have sex with strong men. If a woman is critical, she is showing she does not respect her man and does not see him as somebody she can rely on.

Her solution is trickier because it also depends on the man. She can and should practice gratitude and appreciation but her attempts to make the husband ‘man up’ and stop being a spoiled little boy are unlikely to succeed. She does not have the tools to accomplish this because, as the Book instructs, Iron Sharpens Iron. Moreover, her Criticism and Contempt greatly impacts her sexual desire and her withdrawal activates the man’s Defensive and Stonewalling defense mechanisms which eventually turns into toxic Contempt.

These two very different consequences of the 4 Horsemen are completely missed by many MC theorists in their fervent drive to believe and prove that men and women are exactly the same.

There are other problems with the traditional MC approach. An obvious and much better solution than to simply “stop” is to cultivate the OPPOSITE of these Female Attack patterns. Don’t just “back off” on being critical and contemptuous! I say stop it right now! Moreover, I say women should not just decrease their bad behavior but they should work on increasing their good behaviors. Women should cultivate the opposite of these features- that is, if women would practice APPRECIATION and GRATITUDE and RESPECT they would find their marriage suddenly improved! One cannot be “Contemptuous” and critical while practicing gratitude and respect.

The same goes for you guys.

Lessons Learned: Traditional Marriage Counseling is a flawed creation that fails to take into account real and substantial gender differences and sex roles in marriage. In their “treatment” they conflate and equate female attack mechanisms with male defense mechanisms and (in the best case scenario) they try to blunt her blades while stripping the man of his armor so that her now slightly duller blades can still do damage to the now defenseless man. Even worse, they fail to address the root of the problem (woman’s loss of attraction for her husband which comes with sexual denial, unhappiness, Contempt and Criticism- aka Shit Tests) and appear to completely ignore the critical underlying issue of sexual attraction, probably because that would force them to acknowledge that men and women are attracted to different things.