Finding Our Way

Posted on October 10, 2017 by Dr Larry Cohen, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

It is tragic that so many unhappy people make a conscious choice to angrily attack those around them. When I am on the receiving end of such negativity, I am overcome by feelings of powerlessness. I often believe that nothing I can do (or say) will stop the unhappy, angry offender from attacking me. At first glance, it seems that people say mean and hurtful things to us without motive. They are just MEAN! They are HATERS! And all too often, my indignation, hurt pride, and feelings of powerlessness make me falsely believe that I am destined to be victimized by nasty people over and over again. Some people don’t just say mean things – they do mean things, too! I often mistake the MEAN ACTIONS of others as a personal affront and a sign of complete disrespect. This meanie is someone to hate, and I WON’T STAND FOR IT ANYMORE! So why do we?

THE ROLE OF RESENTMENT – A SELF-INFLICTING WOUND.

During a part of each day I find myself unhappily experiencing resentment. I resent how others treat me, or I resent the disrespect others show me. I find myself swallowing these resentments whole, trapping the negative energy in my body, where it slowly eats away my soul. If this is so harmful for me, why do I choose to harbor the hatred and intolerance of nasty people? This is illogical, as their hatred and mean-spirited nature is there’s, not mine. Harboring resentments, at the very least, wastes life energy. Just how much of our life and happiness are we willing to give up in order to keep the resentments alive? How much happiness am I denying myself by being angry and resentful toward those who have “wronged me”? In the aftermath of an attack by others, I find myself lingering in “victimhood” – doing nothing to change things, and silently hoping the nastiness will pass and never come again.

A human truth is that many of us live in pain, and most of us do not know what causes our pain. Are we in pain when we feel good about ourselves, or are we in pain when we aren’t feeling good about ourselves? with no sense of self-worth? We’ve all heard that nasty people just don’t like themselves, and take it out on others. When we look at the evidence, it becomes clear that nasty people choose offending behaviors (by treating others badly through word and/or deed), because they lack a healthy sense of self-worth. They prey on those who also struggle with appropriate feelings of self-worth because they feel POWERFUL when they act abusive toward someone else. This is called one-upmanship. That is, even though I feel bad about myself and who I am, if I make you feel bad about who you are, I win.

WHY BOUNDARIES ARE ESSENTIAL TO PERSONAL HAPPINESS

Individuals with a healthy sense of self-worth protect themselves from abuse by setting appropriate boundaries. They stand up for themselves, or don’t become bothered by lesser-attackers. Having an appropriate level of self-worth inherently protects you from verbal abusive. “I know I have worth as a person. I know that I am a valuable person. Yes, I make mistakes just like everyone else, but I accept my mistakes as JUST THAT. They are mistakes, and I will learn from them and grow. I am not a bad person because I make mistakes. I just make mistakes.

Now here’s the great news! Setting functional boundaries can be taught. One doesn’t have to feel great about oneself to learn how to set boundaries. Boundaries are an incredible thing. Setting boundaries allows you to shake that victimized feeling. Boundary setting is empowering. The act of setting a boundary is an act of self-protection – and acts of self-protection naturally lead to increased feelings of self-worth. By protecting yourself, you act kindly toward yourself, and TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF inherently leads to increased feelings of self-worth. You begin to realize that you are worthy of protection from abuse, which can only mean one thing: YOU ARE A PERSON OF VALUE. We don’t protect things that have no value. Successfully learning to set internal boundaries emphasizes the necessity of setting external boundaries. External boundaries focus on how to protect your physical self, including how close someone may stand next to you, and how you define and protect your sexual boundaries.

Learning to set appropriate boundaries takes practice, and is not without its challenges. For example, setting appropriate boundaries does not mean that you should wall yourself off from the world. Boundaries need to be flexible and malleable. Walls are not flexible; walls may keep you safe from being hurt by others, but they will keep you isolated and alone. To practice setting your internal boundary, practice protecting yourself against the abusive words of others. A good way to visualize how to set appropriate internal boundaries is to imagine yourself enclosed in a protective bubble. Imagine that at the front of the bubble is a protective door. The door can only be opened from the inside, and not from the outside. Because of this, you are protected from abuse, while reserving the right to open the door to let in loving, caring words, and allow for a close relationship with another person. Remember, this door cannot be opened from the outside, thus preventing others from permeating your boundary without permission. No longer a victim, you now have control over how you manage your relationships, be they abusive or not. When abusive words come your way, listen but don’t digest them. Let the abusive words slide right off the bubble, and watch them as they fall to the floor, discarded.

Creating and using good boundaries empowers you to make your own decisions regarding how the world will affect and interact with you. You can now make a conscious choice NOT to open the door and let in harmful, abusive language and behavior. By practicing self-protective boundaries, you become truly empowered and in charge of what you take in, and of what you reject and discard.

HOW CHILDHOOD TRAUMA & VERBAL ABUSE PREVENT HEALTHY LEVELS OF SELF-WORTH

Your mother says, “You are such a stupid child! Don’t you see how easy it is to do this?” Whether you’re a child or an adult, this mother’s comments are clearly abusive. We all understand that it takes varied amounts of time for individuals to master a task. We also know that children are not fully developed, either mentally or physically, and they may encounter challenges completing tasks when an adult would not. By calling you stupid, your mother is IN FACT CALLING YOU STUPID! To you, your mother’s words cannot be wrong. She is your mother, and you rely on her to keep you safe, and keep you alive. It is at this point that a child begins internalizing parental opinion. Calling a child STUPID, just once, can scar a child for life, leading to a lifelong struggle with feelings of self-worth. If the verbal abuse continues, the child’s core belief about who the are can lead to a difficult and unhappy life. Incredibly, it is the mother perpetrating the abuse. To children, parents are GODS – they rely on their parents for absolutely everything. These experiences lay the foundation for the child’s – and later the adult’s – struggle to find feelings of true self-worth. Pia Mellody (1989) writes that anything a parent says or does that is ‘less than nurturing’ toward a child is abusive. For many of us, Mellody’s definition of abuse will turn our so-called wonderful childhood upside down.

LET FOREGIVENESS LEAD YOU.

Forgiveness is essential in our lives and in our relationships. We must forgive ourselves, as well as those around us, for our human mistakes – however grievous. We must strive to do better, to be better, and to treat others better – with loving kindness and respect. A therapist once told me, “Larry, holding a resentment is like drinking poison, and waiting for the other person to die.” Resentments will eat at you, create anger and unhappiness, and waste large blocks of your precious time on this earth. Resentments are ugly and bitter. There is too much hatred in our world today. We must commit to lessen it.

To find happiness, we must open our eyes and see the TRUTH. Too much pride leads to anger, and wounded pride can insidiously transform us into bitter, unhappy people. Pray to let go of the anger you feel for others, and never forget that the hurtful, hateful people who abuse those around them are living in their own special hell. Have compassion for those who hurt you. Continued resentments and fear drive abusive behavior, and only freedom from resentment and fear can stop abusive behaviors. Forgive yourself, forgive others, and learn from those who do neither.