Do You See What I See

Posted on August 28, 2017 by James Hartley, One of Thousands of Family Coaches on Noomii.

I was previously married for 20 years with children and all the things that come with a family and 2 decades of building a life with another person. I knew for a long time that there were problems in the marriage, but chose to see things differently and avoided reality as I was invested in making things work.  Well the marriage ended 5 years ago and I have learned many things since; most importantly that it takes both people in a relationship to make the relationship work.

I once heard that a relationship is like two people on a raft and in order for the the raft to move in a forward direction, both people need to be paddling in a way that propels that raft forward. If either person is working harder than the other the raft will veer off course and if one is not paddling at all the raft will turn in circles headed to nowhere. 

Very often when a relationship ends, there is one who is happy to be out and one who is broken, as that is not what they were hoping for as an outcome. Broken may sound bad, but can actually be good. Think of it this way, if the relationship was not put together well from the onset, (follow me here) the people in the relationship are not going to be functioning well either; so you have dysfunctional people trying to be in a relationship who are not matched up well. You cannot put flats on one foot, heels on the other and think that walking anywhere in a condition like that is going to be pleasant. You can however put two flats on or two heels and they can be different styles but as long as they fit and the heels are the same length you can comfortably walk. See, once broken you need to put yourself back together and you may need help with that (formal or informal) but the work needs to be done by you. Now here is the very best part of putting yourself back together; you can put yourself back together better than before. 

Know yourself and who you want to be.  Should you choose at some point to enter into a new relationship, identify what you want. You know what you do not want, because you learned that from your previous relationship. Be aware of the warning signs; you will pick up on the feelings within you.  When you are exploring a new relationship and the other person is sending out vibes that are familiar from a past relationship that was not well matched, you will sense it. 

I am in a new relationship now for the past 2 years with a wonderful woman who cares for me and shares with me. We pay attention to not “Peel Off The Bark” (read my previous post to understand the bark of your relationship). My partner really enjoys taking pictures. Something will capture her attention and she both feels and sees a need to capture it in a photo. She sees it in the moment and once it is in the form of a photo I can appreciate the moment but only after it has been captured and shared with me. If we were not different in how we view the world around us, I think relationships would be hugely boring. It is the sharing and caring that allows our differences to coexist and in turn propels the raft forward and on course. 

I am sharing a photo taken by Nicola, my partner, that inspired this blog. My title “Do You See What I See” has a lot to do with sharing and caring, as we may not always, and in fact very often, do not see the world in the same way.  It is in sharing/caring and letting the other person know how we see things that keeps us strong in love.

Remember when you are going through something, go through it.  If you need support, get it and get through it. A life coach can help.

There is a solution in all situations and the sun is always shining somewhere.