Life Coaching 2 - Take An Accurate Assessment Of Your Reality.

Posted on May 26, 2017 by Creed Branson, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Part Two: Assess Your Reality

We are born with joy and curiosity. Everything is new. Every encounter fresh. In this regard we are a lot like Adam and Eve. Their home was without flaw. As children, we see the world as blameless and pure? How then do we lose our way? We are made in the image of God but somehow few ever realize their potential. Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” We want to blame Adam and Eve for tasting the fruit that led to the knowledge of good and evil but somewhere along the way we take a bite of the same fruit. Once eaten there is no turning back. Instead of seeking the purity of our youth we seek the pleasure found in a different fruit. The fruit is delicious but not satisfying.

Any traveler needs to know their current location before mapping their destination. This is true when traveling as it is true in life. This is why we make a critical anyalysis of the past and our current state.
Once we have addressed the past, it is time to focus on character. This will only work if you are commited to change; if you have the motivation, and are willing to take a hard look at yourself. Perfection is not required but a desire to become your ideal self is. Wise people are ready to take this step.

Do the Inner Work

A wise person is one who desires truth and is willing to do something with reality when it is out of sync with one’s ideal self. This is not to say to be perfect. Perfection in the Greek refers to the process of becoming better today than yesterday, not being without flaw. There is a limit to our growth as long as we have any of the following Spiritual Imperfections.

1. Pride – to condemn others and become impatient with their faults. To compare themselves to others
2. Avarice – they are never happy with the status quo. While this is good for a leader this fault can negatively affect one’s interior life
3. Fame – their motivation is for fame not service
4. Wrath – impatience, always on edge, lack sweetness
5. Gluttony – resist hard work of becoming who God called them to be
6. Envy – unhappy when others do well
7. Sloth – running from that which is hard. The aim is sweetness and feeling good. * Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazzero

Now I must admit I have experienced each one of these but it is much easier to see them in other people. A wise person learns from other people’s mistakes so s/he doesn’t have to make those mistakes.

There are times when we need the help of a professional to help us sort through life. Counseling or mentoring is a good choice for some. Coaching may be the choice for others. I have been the recipient of all three of the above, and each offers a benefit unto itself.
As you read the pages that explain each of the Seven Imperfections, I would encourage you to self evaluate and understand the areas where change is required.

Pride: Unchecked Comparison of Others

Do you suffer from this imperfection? When someone offers to help you, are you very selective because you see them as inferior? Are you quick to compare yourself to their abilities, talents or skills. Do you find fault in others to elevate your opinion of yourself? Do you have enough self-awareness to recognize this imperfection in yourself? Is this an area that you would like to change?

There was a time when I thought I was not smart enough. I think this is as a result of being called stupid by a classmate in 5th Grade. Since that time I have tried to prove him wrong. When I felt inferior to others my emotions would race back to that classroom. Whenever I was in a room full of people that I perceived as more intelligent my gut would churn, my body got stiff and my mouth would shut. My problem was I had an inferiority complex. My teacher, Mr. Trantum was influential in helping me deal with this problem but that is another story. Thanks Mr. Trantum!

Conversely, when I was among a group of people whom I thought intellectually inferior I would start making a checklist of their faults. I became very picky with authority figures. Once, in an accounting class, the professor was explaining a method of depreciation called sum-of-the-digits. When he offered a formula I had to raise my hand to one up him by providing a better formula. That didn’t bode well for my final grade!

If you suffer from the imperfection of pride I would ask you to answer some of the following questions:

1. Why do you suppose your behavior is like this?
2. What happened in your life that you need to address to be a more rounded person?
3. Have you lost or damaged a relationship with someone close to you and don’t know why?
4. How would you like to overcome this imperfection?
5. What have you tried in the past?
6. On a scale of 1-10 (1 being low, 10 being high) how would you rate your humility? Your teach-ability?
7. Do you have a realistic view of yourself?
8. Regarding your self talk: do you think about yourself often? Too much?
Are you ready to be more self-aware? Are you ready to take the necessary action to become the person you have always dreamed of being? If not now, when?

Avarice: Greed Unchecked

Avarice: extreme greed or need for material gain. These people never have enough of anything. Their default is to compare their possessions or learning or “fill in the blank” with that of others. Their true desire is contentment and they are seeking it in all the wrong places.
Pride is one of those things that takes a critical analysis of self and a willingness to confess because pride is not always obvious to others.

Avarice, on the other hand, can be quite obvious. In today’s world this is called by many names; materialism, consumerism, greed, etc. First described by St. John of the Cross some 500 years ago, this imperfection was described as a relentless pursuit of learning for learning’s sake while abandoning the pursuit of a strong interior life. To be clear learning and becoming proficient is not what is being addressed here. The imperfection occurs when we avoid growth for the pursuit of knowledge or material gain. This interior pursuit would cause us to look at others’ needs over our own. We need clothes to wear but do we really need the numbers we see in most closets? We need cars to get from point A to point B but do we really need what many Americans find necessary?

Most interesting to me is a quick study of people who are in their 50s and 60s. These people generally pursue simplicity. They downsize, they see the beauty of their garden or their books or the simple sunrise and sunset. Wouldn’t it be great to discover this important lesson before spending thousands of dollars on material that is going to rust and decay?

So the battle here is to puruse contentment or what we commonly call happiness. After all isn’t this what America is all about; “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” This pursuit gets to the nature of spirituality. How about you? What are you chasing? Chances are if you are under the age of 35 your pursuit is to find your place in the world. If you are mid-life you are either taking a journey inward to discover the true nature of being or have discovered it and are attempting to have an impact greater than self. If you are over 35 and haven’t experienced this yet, you will. If you are in the twilight of your years it is the simple things that bring you joy.

1. Is rest an easy task for you? There is a difference between rest and sloth, which I will address in later
2. Where do you find true joy?
3. What hinders you from joy?
4. When you look back on life, what do you want to be known for?
5. How focused are you on your own needs?
6. Do you ignore the needs of others because of your desires?
7. Do you have sufficient self-awareness to make accurate assessments of these questions?
How would you improve your relationships with others? Are you able to truly answer this question? Do you have enough self awareness? These are but a few questions you may want to ask yourself. Do you want to look back on your life in 5, 10 or 20 years and wish you had better relationships with the people closest to you? Do you have a project or idea that could help other people? Why not start this process today?

Fame and Fortune or Humility and Service

This imperfection is most obvious when one takes more pleasure in the accolades of others and less in the service one provides.

Awareness of this temptation is of particular interest to me as I have fought this desire for many years. One of the reasons I have been purposeful in choosing a position that operates in the background is knowing how fame might negatively impact me. Conversely, in the world we now live, we must be willing to advertise our abilities, our certifications and our services. The allure to be the guy on stage talking about their latest book or leading a workshop at a national conference is appealing but this is a problem if this is what we seek. Our desire should be to help people and less on fame and fortune. In other words, as it relates to this imperfection, we tend to take credit for things instead of finding joy in our service. We may have extraordinary gifts or talents but understanding our purpose is far greater than fame. Honestly, the fact that I need to market myself in the way I have seen fit could be perceived as this very imperfection. May I always stay focused on my service and avoid the allure of fame!

1. Are you identifying more with others’ opinions and less with the service you provide?
2. Are you focused on your career over your family or friends? Your spiritual journey?
3. Are you living vicariously through your children or someone you admire?
4. Have you been accused of being selfish?
5. Do you gain too much satisfaction from praise?
6. How are you supporting your community?

Having trouble with these questions? Do you want to take steps toward contributing to something greater than yourself? When will you take these steps?

Wrath And The Daily Consequences

Easily irritated, lacking sweetness, have little patience to wait. You may know this better as anger or frustration or impatience.

Do you seek the truth? Or, do you always want to be right? Do you have a control problem? Are you easily irritated? Are you always in a hurry? Do you think slowing down is a silly waste of time? Do you struggle with anger? Do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

So here’s the thing, I am quite sure all of us can relate to this. This is typical in our culture. The rat race is alive and well; overscheduling our time or trying to accomplish more in this life than we could possibly achieve. This further manifests itself by how we respond. This is our stimulus/response reflex. Perhaps, the best way to overcome these struggles is to recognize the causes and avoid them. At the time of this writing, I live in the western suburbs of Washington, DC. Traffic is a nightmare here. While in my alst job, I struggled with being too easily irritated when I got in my car and drove on Highway 50 from my home to work. My response – take a different route or ride my bicycle. Riding my bike was great except when darkness came at 4:30 PM.

In my opening I referred to our desire to be right over truth. This is probably rooted in not being heard by our parents or teachers or someone we loved at a very young age. When we have to fight for attention at a young age we tend to carry this over to adulthood. In case you are wondering, this is true about many things. Just about every person on the planet was given instruction by which to live in childhood. This manifests itself by a tiny little voice in our head that tells us today how we are to behave. This, the inner critic.

It’s that tiny little voice in our heads that keeps us from stepping out of our comfort zone. It’s the one that says, “you can’t do that” or “you aren’t good or smart or fill in the blank enough.” So we don’t confront the situation that we’ve avoided for days, weeks, months or years. We settle for less out of ease.
This I know about living a full life: we will have trouble yet we can find joy. Joy begins with releasing the things of the past to make room for the good things of the future.

1. What irritates you?
2. What are you doing about it?
3. What do you need to avoid?
4. What do you need to release from your past?
5. What do you need to say yes to?

Do you have someone that can help you process these questions? If so, reach out to them soon. A better life waits for you.

Impulse Control (Gluttony)

Impulse Control – resist what is best and choose pleasure like little children do.
We have all observed grown men and women behaving like teenagers. My guess is something happened to these people that makes them unable to escape the trauma thrust upon them during their formative years. Perhaps they were wronged by someone they trusted or they were unable to defend themselves against someone stronger or misguided. As adults they harbor bitterness or think the world owes them something or perhaps even worse.

Their cure as is the prescription for all of us is to confront the past and recognize that all of humanity is frail; and, our imperfections have been thrust upon others to their detriment. None of us can go through life without causing others pain. However, your life is no accident! If you need therapy you should reach out to someone today. Or, are you seeking to maximize your effectiveness? You are called to something better but comes disguided as hard work.

What do you do with this information?

Perhaps the most important step you could take would be to develop your self-awareness. Cognitive intelligence (IQ) is one thing but emotional intelligence (EQ) is the driving factor for success in life.

1. How are you going to get in touch with your emotions?
2. Your assertiveness?
3. Your emotional expression?
4. Your impulse control?
5. Your self-regard?
6. Your optimism?
7. Your interpersonal relationships?
8. Your self-actualization?
9. Your well being or happiness?

Do you want to know how your attitudes and actions effect others? If not now, when?

Envy: find it difficult when others succeed when you do not?

Envy – unhappy when others do well. Do you find it difficult when others succeed when you do not? Are you envious of others’ happiness or contentment. Do you cringe when you see someone who seems to have everything in life under control?

As with the previous imperfections, I think we can all relate to this now or at some point in life. I first read about this in Stephen Covey’s, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and he called this activity by another name – “scarcity mentality.” This is to say that there is not enough good to go around in the world. If you get something good then I’m not going get my fair share. This idea deals with the short term and is full of negative emotion. The opposite of this notion is abundance mentality, which is to say there is plenty of good to go around. The result: if you get something good I can be very happy for you. Where does all of this come from?

People with an abundance mentality are thankful for life and all the things life has brought them even through the difficult times. In fact, I would argue that without difficulty it is hard to find an abundance mentality. They know how they feel and why. They can express their feelings while considering the effect on others. They manage the stress in their lives. They have strong friendships and interact well with other people. They are optimistic, make good decisions and have empathy for people who are less fortunate.
How do I know all of this? Because I have been on both sides of this continuum. If you are honest with yourself, you have too!

Sloth. Running From That Which Is Hard

Sloth – running from that which is hard. The aim is sweetness and good feelings.
Perhaps the opposite of this is maturity. Maturity can be defined as delayed satisfaction. Sloth is simply putting off the thing that is difficult by doing the thing that is comfortable or easy or the thing we like to do. Sloth may be present because of fear. Fear keeps us from doing a lot of things in life.
Not many days go by when fear isn’t discussed with clients. Now fear isn’t a bad thing. If someone is chasing me with a knife I’m going to run. But this isn’t the kind of fear I am talking about. The kind of fear has more to do with people coping with a bad decision or a poor work environment or a domineering boss or any one of a number of things we can change. Sloth can also be a result of depression, stress, clutter and any one of a variety of bad habits.

Again, I think the definition of maturity can be defined as delayed satisfaction. Funny, I just checked Siri for a definition and she said, “the state, fact, or period of being mature.” Siri is no help in this regard. I’ll stick with my definition: delayed satisfaction. I think this can be directly related to impulse control.
The tool I use to measure Emotional Intelligence defines impulse control as, “Impulse control involves understanding the appropriate times and ways to act on emotions and impulses, and the importance of thinking before acting.” In other words, impulse control involves choice. Too much impulse control keeps us from speaking up or taking action because we are measuring the response from those affected. Insufficient impulse control and we say and do things that are sometimes inappropriate. Either way, this can lead to others seeing us as slothful. What are some ways to avoid sloth?

• Resolve in advance to work through a problem
• Understand your core values and align your time around them
• Identify all your roles and set a goal for each one
• Set at least one priority that will get you closer to each goal every week
• Eliminate the not important and not urgent from your life
• Hard work. Sometimes you just have to do something. You’ll feel great about the achievement afterwards.
• Discover your Personality Preferences and Emotional Intelligence

What next steps do you need to take to be a more powerful authentic you?

Let Your Life Speak

Inner work works! Those experienced with coaching can attest to this. Parker Palmer’s, Let Your Life Speak, speaks to me in a fresh way every time I read it. There is much I could say about this little book; however, my biggest takeaway can be found in the title, Let Your Life Speak. Palmer’s journey was to find his “ideal self.” Palmer was a Thomas Merton disciple, and Merton’s writing caused me to fall in love with Christianity.

The journey begins when Palmer’s family and friends told him what he should do with his life. This is a little misleading because those words were never really proclaimed. Many a lawyer, enginneer, code writer, government contractor, entrepreneur and professionals of all sort share this same story.

Now they are realizing fulfillment is fleeting. Status quo is no longer acceptable. This is a significant transition in life – midlife! But it doesn’t have to be a crisis.

The journey to understand our ideal self is afoot.

Who Are You Really?

Reality Testing is one of 15 elements of Emotional Intelligence. Those high in understanding reality are objective. They are principle centered. They know the facts and accept them. They also know intuition is important and use it if they have good instincts. These people usually have a high level of self awareness.

So how do you develop your self awareness?

Short answer: begin with assessments.

• Myers/Briggs Temperament Indicator (MBTI) is a great first start. There are a variety of other assessments that idetify preferences such as DISC, Insights and others.
• Another good assessment is StrengthsFinder.
• Probably the best way to truly understand how others see you is 360 Feedback. In my coaching practice I use Emotional Intelligence testing for both individual insight and 360 feedback. Improving self awareness is a journey.

Core Values

One reason our resolutions fail is we continue to live inconsistently with our core values. Are you living consistently with your core values? Do you believe your usefulness determines your success? How are the answers to these two questions in harmony with one another?

How Are Your Core Values Determined?

There are number of things that determine your core values. Below are four:

1. Your family of origin: the things you admire most in the people who have positively impacted your life
2. Events from your past; both good and bad
3. Your personality, talents, strengths and weaknesses
4. Things that make you angry or offend you

Identify Your Core Values

Inc published this and is a good beginning point in developing your list of values. Additionally, you can simply start a series of top 10 lists.
Try these:

1. What 5-10 things from my family do I most admire? Make me angry?
2. What 5-10 things do I most admire from the people I love the most?
3. What are the top 5-10 `good things occurred in my past? Bad things?
4. What 5-10 things do you learn from your free personality assessment?
5. What 5-10 things make you angry? Frustrate you?

On the angry list identify the opposite of the meaning. This would be something you value. For example, it offends me when people believe the worst in others. As a result, one of my core values is compassion. This is also somewhat aspirational. My other core values are adventure, restoration and curiosity. As Mahatma Ghandi said,

Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.

What Is Most Important In Your Life?

Yes, I think this is the right question. Past the need for food and shelter the two most important needs for all of us is the desire for community and the pursuit of meaning. So the answer to the question for me is people and meaning.

W. Edwards Deming was an organizational genius. Reading Deming is where I first put some of these pieces together. This is where I learned that all of humanity has a need for community, a need to contribute and a need for meaning in life.

Your core values determine what is most important in your life and drive our actions whether we realize it or not. Core values describe the why of our actions in life. You are most alive when you are living out your core. Place me in a coaching session when someone is experiencing real break through and I come to life.

As a Christian I find the answer to the “most important in life” question in the bible. The short answer for me is the Gospel (the Truth of a triune God) and Community (living interdependently with other people) and by living (or attempting to live) the way God created me to live: not in its original state but in its restored state, by knowing my core essence and doing my best to live that way.

Where do you find meaning?

Unfortunately, many think their work is where they will find meaning. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Some say the most important in life is family. What happens when you live as if your work is the most important thing in life, but say your family is most important? Short answer: cognitive dissonance. In other words, you are living inconsistently.

How do you break this habit?

All humans have emotional needs. When these needs aren’t met we drift. Begin by understanding the things that cause you to drift from your mission. Of course, this assumes you have clarity on your mission. And further, how you plan to fulfill this mission.

The U.S. Army uses a, “Be, Know, Do” model for leader development. Being is about character development. Knowing is about intellectual development. Doing is about behavior. All this is good stuff, however, like every model, this one is lacking. In the Army, as well as just about any organization that recognizes reason and logic as most important, one’s emotional state is often overlooked. I think this is because many have been taught that feelings are fleeting and we simply can’t trust them. This process suppresses feelings. When we don’t pay attention to our feelings we aren’t in touch with them. Being out of touch with our feelings causes us to take action to cover or mask them. We do this naturally and many times with no awareness.

Develop Your Self Awareness

Self-awareness is more than our view of self. It is an awareness of our thoughts, feelings and actions. And, perhaps more importantly, how thoughts , feelings and actions effect self and others.

As a composite, self-awareness includes; self-regard, self-perception, emotional self-perception and how we impact others by our actions and feelings. When thinking of self-awareness many will err on the side of an inflated or deflated view of self. Self-perception is being honest about our skills, talents, strengths and weaknesses. As we interact with others they form an opinion of us.

We gain self-awareness through objective feedback and honest evaluations of how we impact others. Mentors, supervisors and coaches provide objectivity. As mentioned, there are a variety of tools that lead us to understand self. Most assessments reveal facts. But knowledge can be quite different than wisdom, which is the very thing that would seem to define self-awareness. C.S. Lewis said,

“True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”

Personality testing and strengths testing are very productive tools in understanding or confirming one’s self-awareness. However, this is only the beginning. For example, if someone identifies as an introvert there are times when they must interact with others. In fact their success may demand it. As a coach I would not expect a client to be something they are not. In this example, more of an extrovert. I would explore how this client might develop some part of their emotional intelligence as a solution. Assertiveness and flexibility are two of 15 elements in emotional intelligence would be explored for benefit.

Self awareness is developed through practices in focusing your attention on the details of your personality and behavior. It isn’t learned from reading a book. When you read a book you are focusing your attention on the conceptual ideas in the book. You can develop an intellectual understanding of the ideas of self awareness from a book, but this is not the same. With your attention in a book you are practicing not paying attention to your own behavior, emotions and personality… more

Those competent in self-awareness understand and generally feel good about themselves. However, the process of gaining self-awareness can be very painful. Those experienced in 360 feedback know how shocking the data can be. Their goal isn’t freedom to act as they will but rather to act in a way that is most effective. The self-aware understand how their feelings and actions impact those around them. As important as these two areas they know their goals and are busy working an improvement plan. 1 The EQ Edge, Third Edition, Steven J. Stein and Howard E. Book

What Defines You?

Early in our careers, we are focused on earning a place in society; to develop our profession, family and friendships. At mid-life (approximately 35 years old), we all start asking if this is all there is to life: go to college, get a job, get married, have children all the while living with a feeling of emptiness. Mid-life transitions are all very similar. We get a feeling and start thinking that something isn’t quite right. We begin to struggle on this journey by remembering things we did as a child and wonder why we stopped that activity. Something is missing in life!

When I was in my mid-life event, I started gardening because I am typically not a sensory person. This makes more sense to those who understand Myers/Briggs personality testing. I make the most of my decisions based on intuition. Once we take this inward journey, we live there for a while and do crazy things out of need to fill this emptiness.

In The Hungry Spirit: Beyond Capitalism, A Quest for Purpose in the Modern World, Charles Handy describes the difficulty of connecting with his ideal self:

“I spent the early part of my life trying hard to be someone else. At school I wanted to be a great athlete, at University an admired socialite, afterwards a businessman and, later, the head of the great institution. It did not take me long to discover that I was not destined to be successful in any of these guises, but that did not prevent me from trying, and being perpetually disappointed with myself.

The problem was that in trying to be someone else, I neglected to concentrate on the person I could be. That idea was too frightening to contemplate at the time. I was happier going along with the conventions of the time, measuring success in terms of money and position, climbing ladders which others placed in my way, collecting things and contacts rather than giving expression to my own beliefs and personality.”
Handy later listened to a different voice and connected with his, ‘ideal self.’" Coleman, Boyatwzis, McKee, Primal Leadership, 117

I once worked concurrently with three federal governement contracted engineers around the age of 35 who were asking these questions. I helped each of them develop a plan that included transitioning out of their current role to the work that included contributing in a greater way to society.
While on this journey, a skilled coach can help you recognize what you are sensing, ask the right questions and help you emerge as a new and different person with an awareness of next steps to take on your journey.

Baby Boomers

Probably the largest generation of people in America are asking how they retire but still contribute. These Baby Boomers have been retiring the last decade or so. But retirement for this group is quite different from their parents. Boomers are much healthier and want to contribute even in their old age. Significance becomes more important than success. We ask the what’s next questions. Unmet dreams of our past can be renewed. After climbing the ladder of success, we wake up and realize we’re on the wrong ladder. These are a few of the reasons I became a professional coach.