10 Things You Dont Owe Anyone at All

Posted on May 08, 2017 by Erina Calder, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

We’ve all been in unhappy relationships. Friendships, love interests, work related connections and sometimes, marriages.

The saying goes “start as you mean to go on”. So why don’t we?

Sometimes we set up our relationships as we have seen our parents model theirs. Sometimes, we allow our own preferences to be eroded over time by a strong personality.

The trouble is this… when we accept someone else’s preferences as our own it causes us lasting unhappiness and thwarts our unique contribution to the world.

But there’s good news! As emotional adults we are supposed to change our relationships as we grow and change. We can reset boundaries, have conversations that are difficult, and even end relationships where our preferences are habitually dishonored.

This is important work, so naturally it’s not easy.

First, we have to understand and respect our own preferences.

Second, it’s only fair to tell others who have unwittingly (or knowingly) trespassed; what our boundaries actually are.

Finally, we have to be willing to follow through on consequences when people go over boundaries that you have previously discussed with them.

Note! Your consequence for an intentional boundary violation is always for yourself…not the other person. After all, you get to control only your side of things. A healthy consequence? Removing yourself from the situation or changing the dynamics of the relationship in some way.

Honest reflection is key. What is the behavior that makes you unhappy? Is it something they are really doing, or are you handing over your own power voluntarily?

To help the process of reflection, I created a list of 10 things I believe you don’t owe anyone at all.

1. Power over your emotional life. You’re the only one equipped to handle your emotions and they are created by the thoughts you think. If your emotions are out of control, it’s a great time to talk to a life coach, counsellor or another professional for help regaining control over them.

2. A say in your faith or political choices. Your choice of faith and political standing is unique to you. You owe no one a say in what you believe. Healthy dialogue encourages a sharing of personal beliefs in an atmosphere of mutual respect. If this is not possible, proceed at your own risk.

3. Control over your finances. Obviously in partnerships there are mutual agreements on how expenses are covered. This is not the same as someone trying to control how you spend your money. Flags should go up when someone is frequently critical or controlling about your personal spending.

4. A lie to avoid hurting their feelings. Lying is a dangerous activity. Are you really trying to avoid hurting their feelings or are you protecting yourself from having to be honest? If so, deeper work should be done to figure out why you feel the need to lie to keep the relationship going. Not telling the truth is always avoiding reality at a core level.

5. A change in your physical appearance. Your style of dress is deeply personal, and all your own. Obviously there are times when you have to clean up – going to work, a funeral, a wedding. Deeper changes like body fat, or basic physical appearance should be choices that suit your taste – not someone else’s preference. Your body is YOURS.

6. Your time doing recreational activities you don’t enjoy. You don’t owe it to anyone to spend your precious life moments engaged in activities you find neither satisfying or fruitful. If you choose to invest time doing something you don’t enjoy with someone because it’s fruitful – either for them or the relationship – thats your decision to make.

7. Knowledge of your thoughts. What you think on a moment by moment basis is yours and yours alone. You owe no-one an explanation beyond your comfort level.

8. Giving up your dreams for theirs. People often make an altruistic sacrifice for someone else – an expression of good character. This is not the same as the practice of giving up your dreams to live a life that suits someone else. This practise robs the world of your most important and noble contributions – and leaves you unsatisfied.

9. Access to your personal space. Every relationship is different – what suits one person won’t suit another when it comes to personal space. So figure out where yours starts and theirs stops. Your phone? Your personal bank account? Are you comfortable with them going through your papers? Reading your journal? Opening your mail?

10. The right to tell you who to love. We chose our friends and intimate relationships because we love them. No one can tell you who to love, because love cannot be forced. If the way you love oversteps the agreed boundaries of a relationship, then it’s time for open dialogue and honest discussion about where things are. Who you love – thats your decision alone.

Remember, no one can know your boundaries unless you first tell them what they are. It’s kind and reasonable to encourage an atmosphere of open dialogue about it. This way you can engage in relationship authentically and joyfully, with your freedom intact.

If you need help figuring out and setting your boundaries, call me to schedule a free consultation at 888-757-7177. Life Coaching is an effective and safe place for you to work on this.