Your Brilliant Moment

Posted on April 28, 2017 by Frederica Peterson, One of Thousands of Executive Coaches on Noomii.

There is nothing more tragic to me than to watch someone miss out on life because of a set back. Sometimes it is a consequence of a bad decision or choice, or you could be a victim of a circumstance, whatever the reason it does not give you the right to not move forward to enjoy the life you were given. There is nothing worse then going through your whole life being a “victim” and allowing that “thing” to victimize you over and over again. I know this may sound a little harsh but sometimes we need to hear things straight up to knock some sense into us. Problem with victims is that they feed off of the sympathies of others. Now hear me, I am not talking about someone that has just lived through a tragic experience and is going through the painful process of trying to heal and get back up. We are human and as such who we are and our life experiences and belief system will usually dictate how long that recovery process will take. What I am referring to is those people that do not try to recover. They stay stuck and want you to help them stay stuck. They revel in being a victim of their circumstances and want us to coddle them there. It gives them the excuse not move forward because they “can’t” and they can do no wrong because everything, and I mean everything, every action is not their fault because they are a “victim”. That is who I am referring to.

I am sure some of you are down right angry reading this right now because it sounds offensive, mean spirited, unsympathetic or uncaring about the plight of others. Or, it may be that this describes you and I have just “outed” you. Whatever the reason, I respectfully say, get over it! For any of you that know anything about me, you know that I am committed to helping people live up to their potential. It sounds so positive, so empowering and for some even vigilant. Well, there is a side to this that is not so pretty. Sometimes I have to get dirty, real dirty, down in the dirt and the mud and other “stuff” because that is where people are. I have to help them get up and get out and for me that is by any means necessary and brutal honesty happens to be one of my specialties.

So you may be thinking to yourself, who does she think she is, judging people? It is so easy to judge someone when you haven’t walked in his or her shoes. Ha! Let me tell you something, I have been through my own hell walk and had it not been for the brutal honesty from some brave souls I would not be living…no, thriving, in my life right now. Here’s the thing, having a passion to help others is usually one of the gifts you acquire when you have gone through something. When you have been through the fire and came out carrying buckets of water for others to survive as well.

When you have been through some things you can see some things. You can read people from a different lens. You know what is real and what isn’t. You can see broken when others can’t because you lived it. So what I would say to those of you that don’t understand is that I have a story myself, which might shed some light on my personal knowledge on this subject.

I wasn’t quite sure when I was going to be able to start talking about this publicly but there was a conversation I had with someone the other day that ignited this torch I am carrying right now. As you may know, I have this radio show, “Shifting the Atmosphere with Frederica”. It is about transition. I have people come on my show from all walks of life and levels of success and they share their story. Through that dialogue they are able to share the things they learned along the way to help inspire others. It’s funny, all of us have a story of how we got where we are but these people are special. They have gone through their journey and now they have dedicated their life to helping others. So, my question to you is when you tell your story what is your intention, to help and empower, or to commiserate in order to gain the sympathies of others? I will tell you I was the latter part of this for many years of my life.

In my early childhood years I lived with my parents but one of them was mentally unstable and suffered with psychotic episodes occasionally. Her fascination with demonic forces and knives almost claimed my life several times. Living in this type of environment caused me to learn to live in “survival mode” always on guard and stressed. As an adult I am able to understand what that means but as a child the reality is that I didn’t understand what was happening I just learned to cope. That was my normal. It is easy to say, well your father should have done this or that but unless you lived it you wouldn’t understand. We were all coping with the situation the best way we knew how. Now, many of you may think I hated my mother but that was the farthest thing from the truth. I have nothing but love for her. She did the best she could, she was not in her right mind but when she was, there was no doubt in my mind how much she loved me. The funny thing was that even at that young age I tried to understand how her mind was processing things. I was always fascinated with the human psyche, which is why to this day I am very astute with assessing people. I have a special intuition beyond what others see.

Going through this type of trauma as a young child did a lot of damage to my own psychological health especially my self-esteem. It was fragile. I was always a little different because I was very sensitive and I got bullied on a regular because I stayed as far away from drama as possible so when it came to fight or flight, I ran. My little body could not endure any more unnecessary pain, psychologically or physically. Of course, I could not articulate that but that is what was happening. Kids can be so mean; of course they looked at this as a weakness so I was the target of many. As I got older, this flight mentality remained. I would not fight back when others disrespected me and again was looked at as being weak, when in reality it was a protective mechanism. As you can imagine this made me a target for a lot of wrong doing because people felt they could get away with it but over time the anger started to build up. So there began to be moments of fight but when I came out swinging I usually had a sword (my tongue) and there were casualties. Over time and over the years I finally sought out counseling and was able to really move through that time in my life and the subsequent incidents throughout my life that tried to keep me down.

My point is that I really could have used this as an excuse to not evolve. I will say that it did stunt my emotional growth for many years and I used to use it as an excuse when I would fail at relationships, personal and professional accomplishments, etc. It is important to note that the excuse was usually what I said to myself. It was the thing that used to fuel that conversation in my head to validate that I wasn’t enough, or that is why this happened or that happened. This literally helped me justify all of the disappointments and hurt in my life. I was miserable and I was holding myself back. I was not living, or thriving in the person that God created me to be. It was the thing that allowed this baby eagle to be placed in the chicken coup for years! But through it all this passion inside me was building. All of the stuff in life that tried to make me a victim didn’t win because I finally made a decision not to let it. So when I tell you, “I can see it”, “I get it”, “I have been there” and “It’s ok you will get through this” I really mean it. Let’s be clear, I am NOT a counselor, just a coach on a mission!

We all have a story, but what are you doing with yours? I only shared mine to give you a sense that I have been through some things myself (and you only heard a small piece of it) so I am not just sitting here on my throne passing out judgment on others. I am sitting here on my computer in my office coming up with strategies to help free people from the things that are holding them back from living up to their potential because I believe other people’s lives depend on it.

By stepping out here and doing what I believe I was born to do, I have helped transition some people into their best life and I can’t tell you how amazing that feels! If everything I went through was to equip me to help free some people, then bring it because I know we were built to sustain trials! God literally created us this way. You don’t think he knew that we would have trouble in this life? Yes, he knew it! In fact we cannot reach our full potential without it! So, if you are going through life trying to avoid the pitfalls in the sand you are not growing or thriving and the really scary part is that more than likely you are trying to influence others to do the same whether directly or indirectly. Or even worse, maybe you are like I was, trying to “hide” all your stuff and look perfect so that you won’t be rejected and use that false sense of security to judge but not be judged? Well, I have a news flash for you, it will catch up with you eventually and the more you try to hide your stuff the more you will draw attention to yourself.

My point is this; it is not pretty, sexy or glamorous trying to walk through your life allowing yourself to be a victim. At some point you have to get tired of it. I am sure those that are around you are worn out. Put your big girl or boy shoes on and do something about it so that you can process the pain properly and get on with your life. I will assure you, there is someone that is waiting for that new you. The whole world is waiting on that new you. What if someone told you your most brilliant, life-changing moment is at the bottom of your pity bucket? Would you empty that thing or let it sit down there and die?

Inspired by Frederica’s new virtual class, “Transitions with Frederica”. For more information visit my website at www.uniqueinsightscoaching.com/classes