Top 10 Things You Say to Yourself in Your Career—and What to Say Instead

Posted on March 23, 2017 by Carolyne Simi, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.

In a recent ad, Dove France took the negative inner thoughts from real French women and imagined how they would sound if people said them in conversation. The script was created by asking women to write down their innermost thoughts about their looks. Two actresses then articulated the worst thoughts in a cafe, within earshot of the same (unsuspecting) participants, letting them hear their own thoughts out loud. As eavesdroppers, they’re horrified that someone would talk to another in such a way, and some even intervened.

Even the actresses balked at some of the cruelest comments, which only serves to underline the point more: If we treated others the way we treat ourselves, we’d be the worst kind of bully.

This same negative self-talk comes into play in our careers. How do you “speak” to yourself about your work? Typically, the things we say to ourselves are the things we would never say to someone else. We blame, shame, call ourselves names, nag, belittle, and bully ourselves into staying small and giving up on our ideas and dreams for a better future.

But what if you traded self-criticism for self-compassion? What if you questioned your negative thoughts—and really listened to your answers? What if you treated yourself like you would a best friend or a loved one?

In my experience working with career transition clients, positive self-talk is an essential first step to help you look at your skills differently and give you the boost you need to invest in yourself fully.

Here are the top 10 negative things we say to ourselves about our careers, and positive ways to talk to ourselves to facilitate a successful change:
“I’m terrible at this job and mediocre at everything I do. I’m bored, stuck and stagnating, and it will never get any better.”
In Dr. Suess’s children’s classic “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” he imagines the worst place you can wind up on your journey through life … The Waiting Place.

“You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.”

If you’re currently in The Waiting Place, try to get incredibly specific about why you feel this way and identify conscious and hidden emotions. Listen closely to your response and be honest with yourself to help recognize the blocks that keep you stuck.

Then take a minute and remember all the things that you had to learn and experience to get you to this place, and see if you can shift your self-talk from “I’m stuck and miserable” to “I’m grateful for the learning and the growth—and ready to learn something new.” By acknowledging your past hard work and current knowledge, you’ll open your eyes to new paths and opportunities.

“No one appreciates me or values what I do.”
We all need to feel as though our work has meaning and purpose and that what we do every day is appreciated. If you’re feeling overlooked, undervalued and resentful, take a few minutes to list the positive contributions you make, both big and small. Seeing them all written down will help you shift your thoughts from “I’m useless” to “I’m a valuable contributor.”

“I have to be perfect and never show weakness.”
This one can be especially tough for women who have been raised to believe that they are supposed to keep a million balls in the air at the same time—and make it look effortless.

As a culture, Americans are particularly wary of showing any vulnerability and often feel that asking for help is shameful. But research into the areas of self-compassion and vulnerability has shown that those who risk showing the chinks in their armor are happier, more successful and develop stronger relationships, both at work and at home. So drop the bravado, ask for help, and tell yourself, “I don’t have to know or do everything; I’m part of a team.”

“I’ve made too many mistakes and bad career choices. It’s too late to change.”
Forgiving all the "wrongs,” both those you have done to yourself and to others, can help you get unstuck and get moving in your career, relationships, and life. Instead of holding on to shame and grudges, tell yourself, “I forgive myself, and I forgive others.” Forgiveness gives you closure and helps you heal from the perceived hurt that’s been done to you. When you forgive, you ultimately free yourself and open the door to more happiness.

“I’m all washed up and out of big ideas.”
Sometimes we get bogged down by the day-to-day minutia of the workplace, which can drain our energy and make us feel flat. When you’re uninspired, remind yourself of your own power and creativity by thinking, “I am connected to the source of all ideas and solutions.” Then make some time to lighten up and have fun! Giving yourself some “play time” is rejuvenating and clears the cobwebs for greater ideas and insights.

“I just got lucky this time.”
Many people, especially women, tend to minimize their successes and hard work by chalking them up to “luck.” But as the old saying goes, “The harder you work, the luckier you get.” Congratulate yourself on a job well done, whether it’s meeting a deadline, writing an email, or landing a new client. Tell yourself, “I did well just now; I’m proud of myself,” and give yourself a pat on the back, knowing that you are doing your best.

“Why did I say that in the meeting yesterday? How is that going to impact my job? Will I still get a promotion?”
Human brains are programmed to ruminate endlessly on the negatives in life as a way of training ourselves to avoid similar experiences in the future. This means that our “monkey minds” are constantly remembering negative past experiences and trying to apply them to future events, which manifests as anxiety and depression. If you find yourself stuck in the past or worrying about the future, remind yourself, “I live and work in the present.” Remember, the past is the past; you can’t change it. The future hasn’t happened yet. So the only moment we really have is the present. Staying in the now, being aware of the physical, acknowledging the moment—this is when we are truly alive.

“What if …”
Often in our careers we get bogged down thinking about what could or should happen to us, rather than on what we can do, which often means we give away our power without realizing it. Tell yourself, “I focus only on things over which I have control or influence.” Then let go of all the little things that you don’t control—like the economy, layoffs, promotions, and office politics.

“Why did my boss say that? He must think I’m an idiot. Did he miss our meeting because I’m getting fired? Is the company going under?”
We’ve all been there. We offer an idea in a meeting that falls flat, we hear disturbing gossip at the water cooler, and then our boss doesn’t acknowledge us in the elevator, and suddenly we’re convinced we’ve fallen out of favor and are about to get fired.

It’s easy to take small things and blow them out of proportion. Instead, stay grounded in what you know to be true and tell yourself, “I don’t engage in speculation; I deal with the facts.”

“I’ll never be as good as …”
We live in a highly competitive world, and it’s natural to get caught up in comparing yourself —often negatively—with others and feel like you’ll never measure up. Instead, shift that competitive tendency and focus on running a race only with yourself. Tell yourself, “I know that I am intelligent, flexible, hard-working and good humored.” Give yourself permission to love who you are and know and appreciate what you do well, and remind yourself of your positive traits every single day.