The Blame Game
Posted on January 03, 2011 by Tom Patterson, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.
When stress levels are high, the easiest thing to do is blame. The healthiest thing to do, by contrast, is to self-manage.
The dictionary says that to “blame” is to: “Hold accountable, hold responsible, condemn, accuse, find/consider guilty, point the finger at, incriminate.” The word “blame” is a derivative of the Latin word blasphemare, which means to “reproach, revile, blaspheme.” Sounds kind of intense, eh?
Members of most organizations know how easy it is for a “culture of blame” to develop—especially at times when people are feeling more stressed out. Members of families get this, too. In fact, the dynamic is the same in both arenas. It’s the dynamic that happens when individuals and organizations are unable to look inward, and have to find something external to hold responsible for their unhappiness, or lack of success. No one is completely immune to this, and it’s part of how we humans roll.
While the source of blame is typically anxiety, the result of blame is that family/organization members stay focused on outside sources for our unhappiness. Rather than getting in touch with our own internal resources and strengths to respond to things in a healthier way that results in personal and organizational growth, we identify others as the reasons we remain stuck and ineffectual.
I sure wish I couldn’t relate so well to what I’m writing about, but I can! I’m betting you can, too. As humans, don’t we all pretty much know what it’s like being on the giving and receiving end of blame? Common targets of blame include: my co-workers, my boss, my parents, my siblings, the President, Congress, my direct reports, the economy, my corporate culture, my teachers, and ________ (fill in the blank).
The thing about blaming, though, is that it prevents us from taking a good look at our own lives. It postpones reflection. It keeps the focus of responsibility for our lives in someone else’s hands.
The great news in all of this (contrary to what our fears may tell us) is that taking personal responsibility for what is ours, and letting go of what is not, will not kill us. In fact, it will set us free!
The fact is, we sometimes do live with, or work with extremely difficult people. But when we learn to take personal responsibility for our own behavior and emotional responses, we discover that the behavior of others no longer has the power to define us. In fact, since we no longer provide a “landing place” for their poor behavior, they can be forced to come face to face with their own dysfunction (though this doesn’t always happen, nor is it ultimately the point).
My approach to coaching is primarily focused on helping my clients become more self-aware, and better self-managers. We work on leading from a more personally-authentic, non-anxious place, and I will tell you that in that—there is great freedom!
