Getting Our Needs Met Without Getting Hooked

Posted on February 04, 2017 by Catherine Oliphant, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Do ever find yourself getting upset, because you don’t feel understood? It is not easy to figure out what our needs are, communicate them, and figure out how to get them met. In addition, to getting our needs met, the other person meet their needs met, too. There are different ways of going about this, so let’s start with an example that is not that effective.

Cindy (made up this name): I don’t like it when you organize things the way you do. You’re going to cause more mistakes your way.
Me: (Feeling frustrated) I like the way I do things.
Cindy: Calm down.
Me: I’m frustrated, because you are trying to control me. I have a right to feel angry. This is the way that works for me.
Cindy: Whatever.

In looking at this situation, there is nothing “wrong” with it, but has anything been resolved? I’m feeling angry, which is not a comfortable place. Plus, what is my unmet need here? It is autonomy. I want to be able to choose freely and have a sense of freedom and space. Here is another way I could deal with this situation:

Cindy: I don’t like it when you organize things that way.
Me: (taking a deep breath, realizing Cindy has unmet needs, too.) Yes, I can hear your frustration. It seems like we have different ways of doing things. I need to be able to do things with some of my own flair to meet my need of independence. What do you think your needs are right now?
Cindy: I don’t know, maybe, knowing there won’t be mistakes from how you’re doing things.
Me: (sympathizing with Cindy’s position – feeling compassion for her) Yeah, I don’t want there to be a lot of mistakes, either. How could we meet your need for competence and my need for autonomy?
Cindy: I don’t know. It seems like it has to be one or the other.
Me: No, it doesn’t have to be either or. Let’s have a brainstorming session and look at different possibilities.
Cindy: Okay, it doesn’t hurt to try.

The above situation isn’t perfect, but no situation ever is. It can take time to figure things out. Here are some steps to getting our needs met.

1. Become mindful.
Realize when we are getting hooked. Take a deep breath, three if possible. If necessary, agree to meet a few hours later. Tune into what we are feeling. Notice any sensations we are feeling and the intensity. It is all important. When we get this far, we’ve accomplished a lot!
It’s important to keep in mind not to blame the other person for why we are feeling this way. The reason we are feeling this way is because we have needs that aren’t getting met. Brene Brown, in Rising Strong, talks about getting curious, and listening to the rumble within ourselves. Brene says we need to ask ourselves the following questions:

A. What more do I need to learn and understand about the situation? B. What do I know objectively? C. What assumptions am I making? D. What more do I need to learn about the other people in the story? E. What additional information do I need? F. What questions or clarifications might help? G. What’s underneath my response? H. What am I really feeling? I. What part did I play?

2. What are our unmet needs?
It is important to figure out, either alone or in a calm setting with the person we’re having conflict with, what are their needs and what are our. It can be uncomfortable to figure out our needs, but it is more uncomfortable to go without getting our needs met. Marshall Rosenberg, in his book, Non-Violent Communication, lists some basic human needs. While this list is not all there is, it can help us figure it out. Below is Marshall’s list of basic human needs.

Connection – acceptance, affection, appreciation, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self-respect, safety, security, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand and be understood, trust, and warmth
Physical Well-Being – air food movement/exercise, rest/sleep, sexual expression, safety, shelter, touch, and water
Honesty – authenticity, integrity, and presence
Play – joy and humor
Peace – beauty, communion, ease, equality, harmony, inspiration, and order
Autonomy – choice, freedom, independence, space, and spontaneity
Meaning – awareness, celebration of life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self-expression, stimulation, to matter, and understanding

3. Empathize with the other person’s needs.
Realize the other person is just like us. See the humanness in their predicament. We can connect by imagining what it must be like for them to have those unmet needs. We could say things like, “I imagine that’s been hard for you, I don’t even know what to say right now, thank you for sharing that…” Sometimes the strongest connection is our tone of voice, our facial expressions of compassion, and reaching out to take their hand. Empathizing is establishing a connection, and it is powerful.

It is also important to know that all feelings, no matter what they are, are okay. Having negative or hurtful thoughts, while they can hurt us deeply, there is much potential for growth and healing when they are worked through. Listening to ourselves and others with this compassionate perspective, takes out any judgment and instills care and concern. When we realize that all feelings and thoughts are impermanent, it takes the fear and pressure off. Plus, when we feel heard and cared about, eventually, those negative feelings dissolve.
Once we practice empathy, we are more likely to get our needs met, when the other person has felt cared about and heard.

4. Approach the situation from a solution focused perspective.
Instead of seeing the situation as “either/or”, we can approach it as trying to get both of our needs met. Listen to the other person’s suggestions with compassion and an open mind. I realize this can be difficult. Sometimes, it can be helpful to have a brainstorming session, with rules such as: no judging allowed, all ideas will be looked at, no making fun of ideas, etc.

5. Take this process slow and proceed with caution.
This process of figuring out our needs, empathizing, and meeting the needs is not easy to establish. I’ll be the first to admit that I struggle with it, but I’m committed to keep working on it. We are undertaking a process that most of us aren’t taught as children. It’s tough to learn a new process. It is a practice and will take time to learn. It will never be perfect, but practice will lead to growth and closeness. When we stay in the moment, instead of comparing what our progress “should” look like, it will take the pressure off of us. A metaphor to compare slowing down and taking this process one step at a time, would be like driving at night with our headlights only showing us what is a few feet ahead. When we keep on the path, by focusing only on what’s directly in front of us, at the moment, it’ll take the pressure off of us. We’re all doing the best we can, today.

There is a great acronym that I find helpful to keep me focused and to take it slow, without judgment.
S – Stop and pause
T – Take a mindful breath
O – Observe thoughts/feelings
P – Proceed with awareness and gentleness
Don’t give up, consistently practice. I challenge all of us today, to notice when we are feeling sad, scared, or angry, today. What is your unmet need?

Keep at it, and be gentle with yourself, wherever you are on your path,

Catherine Oliphant, M.Div., M.S.S.W.
Spiritual Life Coach
Facebook: Just Flow Spiritual Life Coaching
cloliphant@yahoo.com