How to deal with emotional rollercoaster after losing a loved one
Posted on December 01, 2016 by Manon Yona, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Losing a loved one is devastating. You go from sad to manic, to guilty and depressed again. So how you deal with this roller coaster of emotions?
Losing someone you love is probably one of the most horrific experiences in life. You go through a vast range of intense emotions. Being cheerful and upbeat one moment, to not seeing a future the next one. Everybody experiences this period in a different way. There is no right or wrong! However yours may be, you are bound to experience an emotional roller coaster:
You might recognize:
-Sadness because you miss that special someone. Crying over all the lost future plans and expectations. Defeated to wake up and realize it wasn’t just a bad dream.
-Angry that this is happening to you. Angry with the professionals that couldn’t prevent your loved one from passing on. Angry to be left alone. Angry about the unfairness of it all.
-Disappointed because “People don’t get what they deserve, this is just unfair!” You can lose your trust in a rightful world. Or even feel cheated on by a higher power.
-Fear of not being able to handle such an enormous loss. Not being capable enough to finish your responsibilities. Fear of the emotional pain.
-Relief when suffering comes to an end. Or perhaps you had a problematic relationship, that now seized to exist. You can feel a sense of relieve after a long time of impending loss.
-Guilt for being relieved! Another very common reason for guilt is called ‘survivors-guilt’. “Why am I alive and healthy, it should have been me.”
-Shame for having a pleasant moment. For not responding how you pictured yourself responding. Embarrassed that people around you become uncomfortable because of your sadness. Or pity you.
-Joy thinking about a shared moment. Laughter when you remember a silly thing about him or her. Or simply having a day to day happy moment.
The list goes on and on…
Every person’s grieving experience is unique. Grief is described in scientific literature as “multi-layered and complex”. There is no ‘supposed to’. No particular order, no maximum of 3 of the above. You don’t tick one box pride and continue on to an other. You can’t filter out ‘bad’ emotions and only feel the ‘good’ emotions. They just are what they are, without any particular value. Emotions can come mixed up, or by themselves. In pairs or complete party’s.
Are you desperately trying to hold on to a moment of joy? Only wanting to feel positive emotions? Perhaps suppressing bursting out into tears? Or feeling guilty when you laugh really loud because you’re supposed to be grieving?
As you might have noticed: none of these tactics actually work. Let alone benefit you in the long run. Suppressing emotions enhances them greatly, it makes them stronger. By focussing on changing your emotions, you allow those emotions to control you. From a biological perspective: you literally create more neurological pathways to that particular emotion the more you are trying to influence it. Like suppressing or clinging (which is fear of the pleasant feeling disappearing).
The only thing you can control, is how you deal with these emotions. In my clinical practice, I’ve come across many techniques to do this. The one I’m about to explain has been proven, time and time again, to be effective and relatively simple to learn.
Accept and respect the present emotion
Which is hard. Don’t get me wrong. However, we’re in luck with the way emotions work. They are often described as waves. They come, and go. And an other one will appear. Just like the waves.
1. Start by trying to recognize an emotion. Emotions trigger physical responses, which makes it easier for us to detect them. For example: If you feel a lump in your throat, notice something being there. Some people find it useful to visualize the location of the emotion. Picture for this example your throat.
2. Find the name for it. Label it ‘sadness’. You can say it out loud if appropriate, or in your head. You can call it by it’s name or even say: Hello sadness.
3. By doing this, you acknowledge and accept the emotion being there. You will feel the sadness, you might even cry. And just like the waves, it will go again. And that will be the end of it. You didn’t give it extra power. Perhaps a mixed one appears after: Hello Joy and Fear. Accept, respect, feel and just let the emotions be. Whatever comes next is okay.
Like learning any new skill, practice is essential. You can, for example, begin practicing by sitting at home on your couch. Set a timer for 2 minutes. Find a comfortable position and close your eyes. Try to identify any emotion that might come up and name it. Some find it easier to start with calling a certain emotion by sounds ‘brr’ or ‘iee’. The main goal is to acknowledge it’s presence. The more you do it, the easier it gets.
Before you know, emotions won’t scare you anymore! They will no longer overpower you. Simply say ‘hello’ and everything is okay. They will be there for a moment, and you will feel the emotions, not trying to alter them in any way. Just let them be there. And as one emotion will subside, others will appear. As a never ending stream. All we have to do is accept and respect their presence.
