Sex Is NOT a Sport
Posted on November 15, 2016 by Leilla Blackwell, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Why NOT having sex every day is a good thing in a marriage
Sex Is Not A Sport: Why NOT Having Sex Every Day Is A Good Thing
I enjoy sex… a lot; there are so many options and opportunities for pleasure, connection and even exercise, encompassed in one activity. I also talk about sex in marriage… a lot, usually with people who aren’t getting it right or simply aren’t getting it. Most of the time I work with couples to move them toward DAILY INTIMACY. Many people start off thinking that daily intimacy means having sexual intercourse every day. I define intimacy as loving experiences that bring you closer together, that you couldn’t do in front of others (Grandma for example) without making them uncomfortable, and you wouldn’t brag about paying someone to do it for you. If you get regular massages from a professional and might consider taking Grandma, then that type of massage wouldn’t be considered an act of intimacy for you.
Having sex everyday would certainly fit well within this description of intimacy and it’s a great way to kick start a new, or floundering old, sex life. However, daily sex in marriage or other long term committed relationship can easily start to feel:
• Expected
• Mechanical
• Monotonous
• Lifeless
It ranks right up there with brushing our teeth or taking a shower; it feels good, but we don’t do it for enjoyment or deeper connections with each other, we do it out of routine or need.
Some couples get stuck in the monotony; others go overboard avoiding boring, mechanical sex. They turn sex into a contact sport with assigned positions and sometimes even a team of players, all in a desperate attempt to keep things exciting.
As a woman, using sex as a means to an end would feel like I am being used as a means to an end. If the focus becomes checking off items on a checklist, or successfully implementing the plays in a playbook, I’d feel like the ball in a soccer game, being kicked around until I reach that goal. I need to feel like I am the goal, like loving and building a stronger bond is the goal.
If intimacy was contingent on including every sex act and resulting explosions, it would turn a beautiful experience into an Olympic event, and I must say there is a reason the summer games only happen once every four years. Sex is not sport, it’s not even an outlet. No five-point spread, no pat on the bottom for a good game.
When we associate extreme sex, or sex in general as the way to have a meaningful experience of each other, all other forms of connecting pale by comparison. We stop seeking the simpler moments, radiant appreciation and quiet presence fall away. We need drama and thrills. If we’re not having Olympic style sex, we’re having stadium sized arguments, which only disconnect us further.
Remember, I did say earlier that I love sex (a lot). My husband and I have a long standing, star spangled banner sex life, you know, with the rocket’s red glare and bombs bursting in air. We also practice daily intimacy, but not always daily intercourse. It feels good to reconnect with ourselves and each other in new ways as whole people, not just the sum of our parts. We come back together stronger, more aware of each other and our needs. Our love grows ever more resilient and unbreakable… win-win.
There are rules and recommendations across many religious and spiritual traditions, such as Judaism, Catholicism, and Hinduism that encourage abstinence periodically in marriage, either based on the woman’s menstrual cycle or the phases of the moon. Even Osho, in his talks on Tantra, encourages replacing lustful need with the desire to elevate our experience of each other in the most divine human expression available to us, sex. While I’m not suggesting that you take this up as a spiritual practice, tradition holds some practical truths that you can use to your advantage.
Five points for NOT having sex daily:
• Remove the pressure to perform and produce in quantity
• Space for more quality experiences of each other across the full spectrum of intimacy
• Opportunities to re-discover and re-awaken YOU as an individual
• You partner gets to notice and be reminded why they love YOU, not just sex with you
• Your cement your bond in more ways than just that one
Even in baseball, we can’t win the game with the bat connecting with the ball alone. The players need to run, catch, be aware of the other players’ positions, communicate, and support each other. Not having sex, doesn’t mean you disconnect from each other. So for those days when your bat isn’t connecting, here are some suggestions on how to play a good game:
• Flirt with your spouse
• Tease each other sensually and get comfortable with uncomfortable arousal
• Talk about what’s important to you while lovingly stroking each other
• Kiss
• Sleep naked together
• Really look at each other and see into each other
• Be playful and have fun
Sex is most enjoyable when it’s approached with a sense of discovery, exploration and appreciating every moment. After taking a time out from having sex, come back to it and let sex be about what feels good and right to both of you and build on that; uncovering the buried pleasure. Turn the game into an adventure!
Live with heart,
Leilla
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