Thank You

Posted on October 23, 2016 by Dennis Tyrrell, One of Thousands of Executive Coaches on Noomii.

Thank You…
Can you think back to the last time you actually wrote a thank you note to someone? Not a text or an email, but actually took the time to handwrite a thank you note? Depending on where you’re at on the generational scale or the part of the world you originate from, handwriting a thank you note may be common practice. But, if you’re like me (and I know most of you are), it’s been a long time since you hand wrote a thank you note. In fact, if I’m being honest, the last time I remember “needing” to write a thank you note was after my wedding 26 years ago. I’m not saying that thank you notes didn’t get sent out after my wedding, but I think that everyone reading this knows; I’m not the one that sent them. Let’s just say; I was fortunate to find a partner that understands etiquette and social graces better than I do!
When we think about writing a thank you note, big ‘life events’ typically come to mind: graduations, engagements, weddings, births, etc… We make the time to handwrite thank you notes for gifts we’ve received in celebration of our special moments. ‘Life events’ should be celebrated! And let’s face it, there’s no better way to celebrate than by receiving ‘gifts’!
Receiving ‘gifts’ from other people is an AMAZING experience! Think about it… Someone thinks enough of you to actually take the time to give you a gift, whatever it may be. It makes us feel good to be celebrated. And why shouldn’t it? We all enjoy and need to feel ‘special’ every now and again. Truth is, gifts make us feel good…
Several years ago, I found myself at what I consider to be the lowest point in my life. I literally felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was miserable! So, I took a bold step and made an appointment with a therapist. I got to my first appointment, and I was ready to get ‘fixed’. I wanted to figure out why I couldn’t just be happy like everyone else. The therapist and I started a long process of exploring my past hurts. Really?? I didn’t need to explore anything! I knew exactly what my past hurts were as well as who the people were that hurt me. But, I continued to go…
During a particularly difficult session, my therapist suggested that I go home and write letters to all the people that had hurt me (apparently, I needed to get my “anger out”). With a great deal of pissing and moaning, I reluctantly began writing my letters. I was writing with furious anger, often times ripping the page with my pen. Every time I sat down to write, I could feel the RAGE building inside of me. But wasn’t that the point? An ‘outlet’ for my anger? A way to keep from ‘exploding’. I never found writing these letters to be particularly helpful. Yes, I got angry and really let those people that hurt me ‘have it’ (on paper). Truth be told, the only thing I got out of writing those letters was ANGRY, which led me to dwelling on those ugly parts of my life even more.
I continued to go to therapy for a while longer, but ended up really frustrated as I didn’t ‘feel’ any better about myself than when I started. So, I eventually left therapy and went on about my business of being miserable. But, I couldn’t stop thinking about those letters full of vitriol and hate that I had written. Why didn’t this exercise work for me?

As I sat down to write my letters, I did exactly as I was instructed:
1. think about the past hurts
2. get angry
3. write my feelings down
4. tell the people off that hurt me
5. release it and forget it
If you just want to emote in writing, this exercise may be helpful to you. However, if you’re trying to move forward with your life, this exercise is worthless as it’s flawed from the start. Think about it. The first step in the process is to ‘think about your past hurts’. Before you even sit down to put pen to paper, you’re in a negative, possibly hateful mindset. What else can you possibly see or feel besides anger and hate, when you begin something with anger and hate? See the point I’m getting at? When you begin any process with a negative, hateful state of mind; you have an excellent chance of a negative, hateful outcome. This whole exercise is based on digging up and stewing about things we can’t change. And it certainly does nothing to move anyone FORWARD!
What if you approached this exercise from a different state of mind? What if you weren’t looking to tell someone that hurt you to go “F” themselves? Consider this for a moment… What if before you started to write that ‘letter’, you look for reasons to THANK the person that hurt you? Whoa… Pump the brakes! Thank the person that hurt me?? That’s right, THANK the person that hurt you…
I’ll be honest, the thought of writing a thank you note to someone that hurt me was difficult. I had a hard time knowing where to start. I mean, the people that hurt me left some really deep emotional scars. What could I possibly ‘thank’ these people for? As I began to think about some deeply emotional events in my life and the people that hurt me the most, I had a hard time coming up with things to be thankful for. My first few attempts at writing from a mindset of gratitude were challenging, to say the least. I truly was looking for reasons to be thankful, but the negative emotions and inner chatter kept creeping back in. After a few days of really mulling this over, I challenged myself to think of only 1 person and 1 hurtful thing to say thank you for each day. As a couple more days passed, I found this process getting easier. I began to notice my anger towards the people that hurt me subsiding little by little. After about a week of coming up with 1 person per day to say thank you to, I was finally able to complete my first thank you note to the person that left the deepest scars. Without a doubt, this was an emotional process for me. But, I was no longer carrying the emotional baggage that had become so heavy. I no longer needed or sought an ‘apology’ that I knew deep down I was never going to get. Once I began thanking the people that hurt me the most, my feelings toward that person softened. With the vitriol and rage gone, I realized that the people that hurt me the deepest, are actually the people that gave me the greatest gifts in my life.
Thanking the people that have hurt you isn’t about excusing or minimizing their bad actions, but releasing yourself from the cycle of victimization. The simple fact is, the deep emotional pain I experienced in my life made me who I am today. My values, belief systems, determination, and resiliency were all forged through my pain. By thanking those that hurt me, I was able to change the way I viewed those people. Not viewing these people from a context of hate and rage didn’t erase any of the painful moments, but allowed me to move forward without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was finally liberated from my painful past.
The reality is, we all carry around emotional wounds and scars from people that have hurt us. Everyone that has made it far enough in life to read this article has been hurt in some way, shape, or form. The question is, what are you going to do with that hurt? There are only 2 real options at this point. You can continue to drag that baggage around with you and stay stuck, OR, you can learn to view your past hurts from a perspective of gratitude and empower your future.
The great thing about life is we can choose to view our past pain and hurt however we want. Our experiences, even the painful ones, have provided us with an infinite supply of resources and options to unburden ourselves if we choose to view those experiences differently. Next time someone hurts you, don’t be so quick to tell them to “F” off. Take a moment to view the experience from a place of thankfulness and gratitude. Celebrate the gift their hurtful behavior gave you…
So… I ask the question again in a little different way. When’s the last time you wrote a thank-you card to someone that hurt you??