To The Moon Alice!

Posted on September 30, 2016 by Angel Davis, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

I admit that when I read something that says, “..research shows,” I certainly pay closer attention but there’s also a level of skepticism that’s not far behind. Most of my doubts stem from the idea that there’s always exceptions to the rules. This morning I clicked on Facebook and noticed a post from my brother that peaked my interest. The caption read, “Science says lasting relationships come down to 2 basic traits.” I clicked on the link for two reasons. 1). My brother’s marriage is a pretty damn good one. If he thought the article was worth sharing, perhaps it was worth reading and 2). “..2 basic traits!” Really only 2? That made me think which was the bait I needed to know more and what led to this blog.

I was sitting in the cafe of a local grocery store sipping casually on a protein shake thinking so far the article wasn’t really telling me stuff that I didn’t already know. There were sentences about kindness and generosity propelling people forward in their marriage/relationships. Love and intimacy were created by those who were in it to win it and rejected by those on a sinking ship. At this point I could hear the familiar Charlie Brown sound of “Whah whah whah whah” jumping out of the article. There are people that love each other and work to build their relationship and d-bags that work to tears theirs apart. It’s not rocket science (literally since this article was not underwritten by NASA).

At this point I continue reading just to prove how “brilliant” I am because I have yet to learn anything new. We are now into reactions to connectivity. They use an example of a husband seeing a bird outside and pointing it out to his wife who can react in two ways: checking out the scene with interest and engaging in conversation OR being dismissive and put out by interruption. I’m not sure why but for some reason this peaked my curiosity. I begin to ask myself silently, “Do I do that? No, I don’t do that, right?” Wait, what about Chippy our neighborhood squirrel who visits our patio! DP and I pretend to be annoyed by him but we both make an announcement of his appearance any time he visits and then make a mad dash to lay out nuts for him and watch him go all squirrely over them (oh, come on. That was a good one). I relaxed a bit as it looked like I was a good little wife in training. Although I began to wonder why that of all things opened up some kind of internal inquiry. I read on.

Later a paragraph kind of jutted out from my iPhone screen like 3D magic. There were remarks on how people who have cultivated long lasting healthy relationships are consistently looking at ways to appreciate their partners with an intention of gratefulness rather than looking at ways to devalue their partner by focusing solely on their mistakes. It went on to say that you can be so focused on negative traits that you see stuff that’s not even there! In other words you make up stuff to fit the story you have created about your partner. This sentence resonated with me. I scanned my thoughts and asked myself, “Have I been doing that?” The answer was, “Sometimes, yes.” I had an Ally McBeal moment of imagining myself jumping out of my body and running through the store yelling, “Don’t look at me. I’m hideous!”

Knowing myself the way that I do, I knew that it wasn’t something done on a consistent or deliberate basis and certainly not consciously, but that didn’t matter to me. Up until now I had always been careful; avoiding the pitfalls of comparing my fiance to my late husband. I knew it wasn’t fair plus it’s a ridiculous notion given how different they are. Instead I realized that I had been holding my fiance to a higher standard than I ever did my late husband. Requiring more from him and in turn perhaps being harder to please leaving him to feel as if I’m often dissatisfied. I can’t tell you why. I’m sure I could come up with a few answers that maybe even the scientist in the article would vouch for, but truth is I didn’t care why. I was clearly not seeing clearly (wait, what did she say?). Instead of staring at my fiance straight on, I had been looking at him from an impossible angle muddling the viewpoint.

My late husband and I had a special relationship, there’s no getting around or denying that. It was special because of the way we grew within our relationship. It wasn’t perfect but from day one we both were committed to making it a relationship worth investing in. We were two flawed people who brought out the best in each other and I recognized that my fiance and I were no different.

I finished the article and sent it to my husband to be along with the admittance of my disappointing behavior. For Hollywood purposes I wish I could tell you that when I got home there were tears shed over carefully orchestrated music as we held each other grasping at hope to keep our relationship alive (I mean I do live in LA after all). None of that was needed. My fiance acknowledged me owning my shortcomings as he confessed his. We instantly got who we want to be for each other and who we want to be within our relationship. A quick kiss, quick showers and we were out the door to meet a friend for lunch. We gave the matter the attention it deserved and nothing more. So why didn’t it deserve more (this “why” I will gladly answer)? In a healthy relationship, love is never in question. My fiance and I love each other. We love each other enough to admit when we fall short of what’s expected. We love each other enough to never stop evolving.

I invite you to ask yourself what kind of person are you in your relationship? I know who I am and I was right, it’s not rocket science. You always have a choice. You can choose to live small or….

LiveBig!