I AM A THIEF
Posted on September 30, 2016 by Angel Davis, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Our inability to receive blocks someone else's ability to give.
I was staring in the mirror doing some light stretching before my Afro-Funk fitness class, when one of my fellow classmates approached me. She started inquiring about my ankle brace and wondered why I where it. I proceeded to share with her about cracking my ankle while roller skating on my 31st birthday (which is a pretty delightful story with a lot of great moments but I’ll have to share it with you another time). I explained that I also wear braces on my knees when I work out due to inheriting genetic problems. For some reason she was shocked by this. I assumed it was because she thought I was too young to have such issues but I was wrong. She said, “But you move so beautifully and effortlessly. I would never have known that you experience pain. I always follow you in class because of the way you move and keep up with the rhythm.” I thanked her for being so complimentary but informed her that I’m always all over the place and struggle to keep up the pace and choreography. We laughed and got into our positions to start class. As I’ve mentioned in the past, my instructor always connects the physical to something emotionally tangible. As we are now in the Fall season are movements were rooted to reaping and sowing. Though the routine was high energy and filled with quick movements it’s what came out of my instructor’s mouth that left me breathless. She said, “There is a giving and receiving that comes with our harvest. When you’re sowing you gotta get in there and prepare the ground for what we are planting. Then you reap what you’ve put into the soil and you take it in and share it with others, but often times we don’t know how to receive. We struggle with receiving. How many times do people compliment you and want to do something for you and you give them a million reasons why their compliment is unjustified and why you are unworthy of their gifts (er, you mean that thing I did right before class started..)? When we do that we rob other people of their ability to give or sow.” Clearly I thought about that.
This may seem simple-minded but I really never thought about the other side of the compliment; what’s behind that unexpected gift. I get the feeling good part. Certainly I love the pleasure I get from brightening someone’s day with a kind word or gesture, but I never sort of contributed that to our karmic or spiritual journey.
I thought I had grown past this lesson. It’s rare that I react the way I mentioned above when people express generosity towards me. Most times I say, “thank you” and leave it at that. What my instructor said awakened something in me. It was as if she held up a mirror full of recent encounters where I could only hear the things I wasn’t saying to people. The silent thoughts were loud and obtrusive:
“..She doesn’t really think you’re pretty. She thinks you have cancer I mean why would someone willingly cut their hair as short as yours unless they were dying?”
“You think what I do is cool but you don’t really think I’m qualified, right?”
“I think it’s less about my parenting skills and more about the fact that my daughter is just a grounded little soul. I’m a mess of a parent.”
What’s the point of planting if I’m unwilling to enjoy the bounty later? I have no problems giving to others so why do I prevent them from doing the same to me? I am always mindful of sowing good things out there in the world. It’s very important to me and something I am very committed to. Would I like to reap the benefits from the work I put into it, yes, of course (who wouldn’t?). Yet I’m scared. I’m scared that if I stare at that mirror too long I will see all the chances of receiving I have blown over the years. I will see the images of the people I have stole from. I have robbed them of their chance to be or do something greater than themselves. While it’s true I have grown, I can see clearly now that I have grown to get TO this lesson not PAST it.
In order to master this level of myself I will have to move beyond my stories and/or doubts of self-worth. I will have to understand the balance of give and take. I want to commune with the Universe on a level of complete trust and openness. Currently it’s as if I’m stranded on the side of the road waiting for the perfect car to take me to my destination. The Universe keeps driving by encouraging me to get it and I in my foolishness keep walking ahead (really I shouldn’t be hitching at all because getting in the car with strangers is very dangerous. I mean the Universe obviously has good intentions but how do I know it’s not someone pretending to be the Universe in disguise if I get in that car? This was a really bad metaphor).
Maybe it’s foolish of me, as a coach, to let you see me so vulnerable. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so transparent but there’s something in me that says somewhere out there someone needs to hear my journey. The seasons are changing. Are you rejecting the crops you’ve worked so hard to grow? It’s harvest time, kids. A time for pumpkin spice, everything that’s nice and picking the fruit that enables us to…
LiveBig!
Angel Davis currently resides in Los Angeles, CA. Connect with her on Facebook: facebook.com/ucanspeakeasy or Twitter: @speakeasyangel. For more information go to www.angeldaviscoaching.com
